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Key Posts | Anorak - Part 211

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A Good Stuffing: Gordon Ramsay’s Naked Lunch

THAT’S panicky TV chef Gordon Ramsay on the front page of the Sun (“Don’t mention the F-word”), Mail, Mirror (“IN THE SOUP”) and Star (“Becks saves Gord”).

Is the F-word football? Is Ramsay teaming up with the Beckhams on Celebrity Soup Kitchen, in which celebrities try to survive in a suburban shopping precinct, enduring a series of Borough Tucker Challenges, such as eating kebab remnants and bin diving for used condoms?

The Mail clears up the confusion by its prosaic headline: “’Family man’ Gordon Ramsay is accused of seven-year affair.” Yeah, the f is for “f*****g, a thought that is never too far from Ramsay’s lips.

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Posted: 24th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Nebraska’s Butt Bandit Comes To A Sticky End

TO Nebraska, where the Butt Bandit has been tracked down. The actions of a “lone deviant” are at an, er, end.

As reported:

Since spring 2007, imprints of an individual’s naked behind – created with lotion or petroleum jelly – have been appearing on windows of businesses in Valentine, Cherry County.

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Posted: 23rd, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (5) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Gordon Brown Reacts As Sarah Palin Boost Turkey Sales

SARAH Palin gets to see Turkey from her house, and the press gobbles it up.

The LA Times wonders if the birds can be killed after they’ve died. And Americans choke on their murder burgers and go mad for vegetarianism:

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Posted: 23rd, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comment (1) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


NBC Cancels Global Warming

WHO knew that global warming could just be cancelled, it being, after all, a media phenomena:

NBC Universal made the first of potentially several rounds of staffing cuts at The Weather Channel (TWC) on Wednesday, axing the entire staff of the “Forecast Earth” environmental program during the middle of NBC’s “Green Week,” as well as several on-camera meteorologists.

A cold wind.

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Posted: 23rd, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (2) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


The BNP List Is A Dead Loss

THAT leaked list of BNP members continues to make headlines.

The Sun leads with the news, “Palace pair are in BNP”. This is illustrated by a picture of not the dear old Queen Mum, but Her Majesty.

Inside, the members are revealed to be HRH “storeman Paul Murray and a retired porter”.

As a source tells the paper:

“Although his [Murray] name is on the list he has told us that it is only on there because he was invited to a social event that he did not attend.”

Also on the list is a Talk Sport Radio DJ called Rod Lucas. He says he joined up for “journalist research”.

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Posted: 23rd, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (53) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Baby P: Like Diana’s Death, I Was There

TO the Sun the story of Baby P is being told in numbers and gestures.

The big news is that 700,000 people have signed its cut-out-and-send petition that calls for members of Haringey social service and medical staff to be sacked.

At the cemetery where Baby P’s ashes are scattered, the Sun has erected a plaque to “BABY P”. It’s a land grab for readers’ hearts and minds.

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Posted: 23rd, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (13) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Sarah Palin Shows Gordon Ramsay How Meat Is Murder

SARAH Palin shows the US that the turkey on their plate was once alive and full of blood and brains.

The US rears between 250million and 300million turkey for laughter each year.

And in the LA Times strict vegan Elizabeth Snead notes:

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin pardons Tom the Turkey, then blabbles on, making little to no sense (as usual), while talking turkey and politics to a news crew. What she does not know is that at least two helpless turkeys are being slaughtered alive in the background, their legs wiggling as their heads are stuffed into a grinder by a smiling camera-hog executioner.

Nice to see someone who enjoys their work, huh?

Slaughtered alive. The swine! Can’t the killers wait for the birds to die in their sleep and then kill them?

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Posted: 22nd, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (10) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Come All Ye Faithful: The Madonna of Orgasm Church

“THE orgasm is God, the orgasm should be worshiped,” says Carlos Bebeacua from Lövestad in southern Sweden in the Kvällsposten newspaper.

“The orgasm is the ultimate feeling of lust, it shouldn’t be limited to ejaculation. You can reach it through art or by looking at a landscape and thinking ‘Wow!’”

Henceforth the Madonna of Orgasm Church (Orgasmens Madonnas kyrka). Last week a court ruled it had the right to be registered as a faith community.

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Posted: 22nd, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (3) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Madeleine McCann: Do Libel Laws Damage The Investigation?

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

IN The New Year, a House of Commons inquiry will investigate press standards, privacy and libel laws.

The cross-party Culture, Media and Sport Committee is now looking for views on a wide range of key topics affecting the press from newspaper publishers and any other interested parties.

The case of missing Madeleine McCann will be high on the agenda.

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Posted: 22nd, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (155) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Baby P: The Mother Revealed, Dad’s Grief And The X Factor

BABY P Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Baby P in the news…

DAILY MIRROR: “Baby P mum bid for new ID after jail”

Who’s to say she will get out of jail?

The mother of tragic Baby P could get a new identity when released from jail, it emerged last night.

Could. Such are the facts…

Tory MP Philip Davies said: “The taxpayer may have a huge bill to protect her rights. It’s offensive.”

May. Such is the outrage…

THE SUN: “A father’s grief for tragic Baby P”

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Posted: 22nd, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (17) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Go West Luck Bronx Mowgli Wentz

OH, the simple joys the of the celebrity name. We look forward to them as we humans once used to look forward to the names of atom bombs, new sexually transmitted diseases and colonised lands.

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Posted: 21st, November 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Nicola McLean’s Optics Illusion To Timmy Mallett’s Little Kilroy-Silk

IN the I’m A Celebrity Jungle “our Nicola” McLean “has still got her boobs out”.

Only she hasn’t. Nicola’s boobs remain restrained in her top waiting for the moment when despair takes root in the celebrity camp and she can uncork out her nipples and dispense a hearty broth (left) and nip of gin (right) to one and all.

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Posted: 21st, November 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


GM Ford And Crysler Keep The American Dream Burning

THREE CEOs – Rick Wagoner of GM, Alan Mulally of Ford, and Robert Nardelli of Chrysler – are supporting the beleaguered trade in private jets by refusing to travel by anything else.

As ABC news reports:

THE CEOs of the big three automakers flew to the nation’s capital yesterday in private luxurious jets to make their case to Washington that the auto industry is running out of cash and needs $25 billion in taxpayer money to avoid bankruptcy. Even as their companies fail, Ford and GM CEOs continue lavish lifestyles.

Hats off to the trio for reminding the politicos wrestling with the economic crisis what it is Americans are fighting for. It’s the American dream, stoopid.

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Posted: 20th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (8) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Baseball For Jesus And Jews In Hell

ANORAK’S look at religion making news.

FROM the Rapture Ready site:

Just last night after baseball practice, my 11yr old son and I were driving home when someone almost pulled out in front of us. It could have been a bad accident. After I blew my horn and mumbled to myself about how ignorant some people could be, my 11yr old said “Oh well….we would have just gotten to Heaven a little sooner. You know how much I like baseball, Dad, but I am ready to go now.”

Strike one…

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Posted: 19th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (12) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Bush And Brown To Invest In Piracy, The World’s Growth Industry

PIRACY is booming. It’s the world’s growth industry.

Over the newswires, Anorak learns that a Hong Kong cargo ship has been attacked by pirates in the Gulf of Aden near the Yemen coast.

The good ship Delight is loaded with 36,000 tonnes of wheat.

Says one UN insider:

“They’ve got oil for heating and fuel, and now they’ve got wheat. If they can hijack a boat carrying the G20 leaders, they will have democracy.”

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Posted: 19th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (7) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


NHS Doctor Admits To Terrorism, ‘If You Want To Be Technical About It’

NHS Doctor Admits To Terrorism, “If You Want to Be Technical About It”, by David Burge, Anorak Satire Correspondent

AN NHS DOCTOR accused of car bombings in London and Glasgow has admitted in court that he is a terrorist according to English law.

“Sure, I guess, if you insist on stereotyping anybody who blows up a few car bombs or drives a flaming Jeep into an airport as a quote-unquote ‘terrorist,'” said Bilal Abdulla, 29, sarcastically making air quote gestures with burnt stubby fingers as prosecutors read him the legal definition of terrorism.

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Posted: 18th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts | Comments (10) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


A Cockatoo With Every Happy Meal

McDONALD’S is giving out a free endangered animal with every Happy Meal.

Hold on a moment, smiling animal killer, that whale is not for eating. Sure the gherkin fits neatly over it’s blow hole, and the fighting wallaby’s pouch serves as a decent pot for your curry sauce, but these animals are stuffed toys.

So, don’t worry kids. Keep eating that ground up cow and that mashed up and shaped chicken. Those animals are not endangered, nor are calves and baby chicks in the least bit cute.

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Posted: 18th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Iowahawk Says ‘Watcha Cocks’

‘ELLO “Mateys”!!!

Dave Burge here, from “across the pond” in the good ol’ “U.S. of A.,” where I am proud to be joining the new Anorak as a “writer.” Although I originally hail from Iowa — your former American colony famous for its delicious corn and pigs and methamphetamines — I currently reside in the “Windy City” of Chicago, home to Barack Obama and many other celebrity mobsters. In the U.S. I blog as “Iowahawk” but thanks to Anorak’s new lowered standards I will be dropping in occasionally to report the latest on politics and pop culture from this side of the Pacific.

When editor Paul Sorene invited me to join Anorak as a correspondent, he warned me that I may not always translate very good because “we are two countries separated by a common language.” After thinking about it for a minute, I’m like, “whoa dude, that don’t even make sense.” And then he’s all, “it’s a famous saying by George Bernard Shaw.” So I go, “hey scro, tell this George Bernard Whatever to put down his crackpipe, because ol’ Dave knows him a thing or two about talking to you Limey wankers.”

Posted: 17th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts | Comments (49) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


The Big O: Creating The Obama Generation

IN the article “Change You Can Conceive In” Newsweek’s Jessica Bennett seeks to discover what babies were conceived at the moment of Barack Obama’s election victory.

She’s looking for the Obama baby boomers.

Of course, Obama was only elected a few days ago, and what with gestation and all, pregnancies have yet to be bedded down. But no need to wait – her best line appears at the article’s start:

The theory is almost too perfect to be true. Barack Obama, the son of politically progressive parents, was born Aug. 4, 1961—almost nine months to the day after John F. Kennedy was elected to the White House. Is it possible Obama was conceived on that historic night?

Hey, honey, let’s try the political progressive position. It’s a bit like the missionary of old but we get to talk all the way through and by the end we have to have reached someone else’s front doorstep.

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Posted: 17th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Alistair Darling Apologises For His Bad And Fraudulent Investments

ALISTAIR Darling writers a letter embargoed until June 2010:

Dear Northern Rock, Royal Bank of Scotland, HBOS and Lloyds TSB investor,

“The investments that you made in good faith never existed. The money was used in a futile attempt to recover losses incurred by me in the hope that I could repay everyone who invested.”

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Posted: 17th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Money | Comment (1) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Jordan And Peter Andre’s Roll On Sex

FOR too long Peter Andre was unable to get close to his wife, the fragrant (tones of used adolescent tissue over base notes of horse-drawn caravan and strawberry mentos) Katie Price.

For many months pop acorn Peter nestled under Katie’s embonpoint, never seeing the sun and resorting to looking healthy with self-tanning gels that had no fear of streaking because in Pete’s world it never rained, just lightly perspired.

Then Katie went to Arm-ewika and deflated. Peter would now, finally, be able to get closer to the woman of his dreams.

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Posted: 17th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


George Osborne Creates Panic In Currency Markets: Update

GEORGE OSBORNE says sterling is to collapse.

– Keep talking Geroge – it’s working!

George Osborne is powerful man and the markets hang on his every word.

“Osborne defensive as markets brace for fall,” says the Guardian’s front-page headline.

“We are in danger, if the Government is not careful, of having a proper sterling collapse, a run on the pound,” he tells the Times…

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Posted: 17th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Money | Comments (3) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


The Original Christmas Cross For A Whiter Jesus

ARE you looking for “an effective way to express your Christian faith this Christmas season to honor our Lord Jesus?”

You are. Happy say!

“Now you can…. with the ‘Original Christmas Cross’ yard decoration”, brogught to you by the American Family Association

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Posted: 17th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (2) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Baby P: Socialist Liberal Conservatives To Blame And Sterilising The Guilty

BABY P Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Baby P in the news

THE SUN (front page): “SOCIAL WORKERS NEW SHAME”

When a tortured and murdered baby isn’t shaming enough…

“BABY P GRAN: I WARNED HARINGEY”

Says she: “They didn’t want to know.”

The last photo of blond, blue-eyed Baby P — taken days before he was found dead in his blood-spattered cot

Blonde…

On page 5, the Sun produces a petition. It’s already been written: “All blonde children with blue-eyes should be saved first and…” Or:

“I believe that ALL the social workers involved in the case of baby P, including Sharon Shoesmith, Maria Ward, Sylvia Henry and Gillie Christou should be sacked and never allowed to work with vulnerable children again”.

Meanwhile, Baby P’s mother is free to have more children, and so too his step-dad and lodger Jason Owen. Discuss…

“…I also demand that the doctor involved with Baby P, Sabah Al Zayyat, should lose her job and not be allowed to treat the public again.”

Says the grandmother: “I blame myself.” Can she be banned from being a grandma?

But one local has produced her own petition. Stephanie Biber has plastered a poster to the windows of the Hornsey and Wood Green Labour Party headquarters. The legend runs:

“Sharon Shoesmith you have blood on your hands. Council tax payers of Haringey refuse to pay council tax until Sharon Shoesmith is sacked.”

Says Ed Balls, the swivel-eyed Education Secretary:

“People are asking how these despicable acts of evil can happen in this day and age and in Haringey of all places.”

Yeah, the bucolic splendour of one of the most impoverished, dirty, depressing places in the entire country. If there, then anywhere…

TREVOR KAVANAGH: “Leftie Mafia close ranks over Baby P”

P is for Politics…

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Posted: 17th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (10) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Africa’s First Family: Obama Wins New York World Series

THE euphoria over the election of Barack Hussein Obama as the 44th President of the United States of America may have died down, but there remains a feeling – on the street, in people’s homes, in cafes and bars – that this momentous event is still percolating through society and will continue to do so for months, probably years, to come.

I live in a predominantly black neighborhood in Brooklyn, on the border of Crown Heights, where a race riot erupted in 1991, and Prospect Heights, a small, rapidly-gentrifying area where just a couple of generations ago few whites would consider living.

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Posted: 16th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts | Comments (2) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0