Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Jimmy Savile, formerly Sir Jimmy Savile in life, is all over the news.
The Sun says “Savile abused 63 people at Stoke Mandeville hospital”.
This is fact. There are no inverted commas around any part of it.The Sun then belts out other facts:
Victims aged between five and 75 were patients, staff and visitors
Savile’s older brother was a predatory sex beast
Savile’s hospital victims included cancer patient and burns victim
Cliff Richard – still Sir Cliff Richard – is on the front page of all the tabloids.
The Mirror (front page): “Cliff Richard Facing New Sex Claims”
Not too long ago that shocker would have been that Sir Cliff had ever had sex, preferring tennis and al fresco singing to nookie. Now we read that “police are probing new claims of sex abuse with Sir Cliff Richard are more alleged victims came forward”. An “officer”, revealed to be South Yorkshire Police Chief Constable David Crompton, says”This investigation has increased significantly.”
Crompton made his comment in a letter to Home Affiars Committee chariman Keith Vaz.
Page 9: “I have no idea where these absurd & untrue allegations come from,” says Cliff. The Mirror fails to tell its readers that Cliff said that on his Facebook page:
I have no idea where these absurd and untrue allegations come from. The police have not disclosed details to me. I have never, in my life, assaulted anyone and I remain confident that the truth will prevail. I have cooperated fully with the police, and will, of course, continue to do so.
Beyond stating that the allegations are completely false, it would not be appropriate for me to say anything further until the investigation has concluded, which I hope will be very soon. In the meantime, I would, again, like to thank everyone for supporting me through this unbelievably difficult period.
Jasmine Tridevil, the woman with THREE breasts is on the cover of the Daily Star. The paper has a scoop. Yes, it is true. The third breast is not a breast at all. It’s a huge marshmallow, a rolled up sock, a deviled dumpling or whatever other cunning device Alisha Hessler shoved in a bra to dupe the media, and ruin the Daily Telegraph when its chief political writer Peter Oborne quit citing Jasmine as the stuff you find under your nails when you scrape the news barrel’s bottom.
It’s left to the venerable breast experts at the Daily Star to expose the bare, naked truth:
And there on Page 3 s the thermal fact, as reveales by a Gwrman TV channel’s thermal camera.
Unless it is real. And the third breast delivers cold drinks only…
It’s Oscar season. And gearing up for the movie biz’s AGM, are Mike Kleton and Morgan Miller with their “Mobarazzi” star maker. New Yorkers are now all the beautiful people…
Dapper Laughs creator Daniel O’Reilly is a fool. When he was being accused of condoning and encouraging rape, he made the mistake of trying to explain himself. Dapper Laughs went on TV, this time as his perma-tanned geyser look-alike O’Reilly, and told the BBC Newsnight viewers about his rape jokes:
“That joke may have gone a bit too far and I may have said too much but by no means do I stand behind that and I’m embarrassed by it… I didn’t realise I was causing that much of a problem.”
Having portrayed his fans as impressionable dolts, O’Reilly then stated that Dapper Laughs was dead.
As @jamiesont tweets:
To still be a Dapper Laughs fan after he trashed you on Newsnight requires idiocy which takes you to a whole new unexplored level of stupid.
This mea culpa pleased the Newsnight viewers, who, one imagines, are not O’Reilly’s main fanbase to begin with. It was on-message. The fearless new post-Savile Newsnight will not bury important matters like an ITV2 comic making a joke at a privage gig. It will showcase its sound morals but summoning O’Reilly to its naughty step.
Julia Roberts’ mother has died. Roberts is an actress. Her mother wasn’t. Her mother was not a public figure. This is a moment of private grief for a private person. So. How does the Daily Mail report it:
Lest you think the Mail has bought nine paparazzi photos – a thing the paper vowed to stop doing after Princess Diana died – and was gawping at private grief, the ‘Daily Mail Reporter’ tells us its there to support the actress:
As news broke, the star’s friends rushed to the actress’ side as she began the difficult task of visiting her mother’s home in West Los Angeles, California. While many may struggle to enter their late loved ones home on the day they died, the 47-year-old appeared to be determined to get everything in order.
She’s an inspiration. But can Julia Roebrts be so great at the funeral? Let’s hope the Mail is there to show us…
Shit First Drafts has “found a couple of drafts of the Fifty Shades of Grey script”:
Clickbait journalism is the current trend. The newspapers realise that brand loyalty means nothing. It’s all about the instant hit. So. The Independent looks for a topic riding high on the news cycle. It spots Bobbi Kristina. It sheds crocodile tears – one young woman’s mental turmoil is a public “tragedy” – and muses:
“Those who have been following the Bobbi Kristina tragedy maybe surprised to learn this…”
The “surprise” is that Bobbi Kristina is getting better, at least physically…
It turns out that Afton Elaine Burton, aka Star, only wanted killer Charles Manson for his body. She’s marry him then keep him for ever.
Daniel Simone says Burton and one Craig Hammond wanted to use Manson’s lifeless remains as a tourist attraction. He be placed in an hermetically sealed glass box some demented Snow White, Nazi Lenin or Jeremy Bentham*.
Donald Trump says his hair tsunami is real. Barbara Walters and Joan Rivers have both touched the hair on the telly. And still the rumours persists that Donald’ Trump’s hair is real – but real what?
A Dr. Sean Bednam, from Dermatology and Hair Restoration Specialists, looked at 300 photos of Donald Trump, and declared:
“Donald Trump did not have a hair transplant, and, he doesn’t have a toupee. This is all his own hair, and it is exactly how he styled his hair when he was younger.”
So. How do you get the look. In 2008, the Daily Mail explained how:
What does America think of the Baftas, the British Academy of Film and Television Arts awards? A look at the New York Times tells us the anwer is not very much. Or nothing.
One night after British acting’s AGM, and the NYT’s Arts section features not a single story on them awards.
It might be hard luck that the Baftas are staged on the night of the Grammy Awards. But it’s lamentable that Breaking Bad spin-off Better Call Saul ‘DNA’ is bigger news.
EASTENDERS actor John Altman is from the method-one school of acting. Speaking to the Sun, Atlman, who played EastEnders‘ nasty Nick (think middle-aged Sid Vicious without the charm) “revealed he once took heroin, just like his junkie alter-ego”.
Actor took drugs! It is a shock.
“Everything Nick’s taken I’ve probably taken at some point or another — dope, LSD, cocaine, opium. The first time I did opium was in an opium den in a tower block in the back streets of Calcutta, and I smoked it from a pipe. I threw up afterwards, but when I got back to my hostel I drifted off into this incredible hallucinogenic dream.”
We love dolls, or action figures (as you macho lads call them). We’ve seen the weirdest celebrity dolls of all time. We’ve seen dead dolls. And we’ve spliced and diced more Barbies then you can shake a nagging finger at.
On Imgur, Uh Jess shows has been makin his own dolls. He’s taken Barbie (always Barbie gets it) and turning them into David Bowie, as seen in the 1986 film Labyrinth.
The clunking dialogue. The ability to fold yourself in half and turn your partner into an origami swan. The hands made for w***ing and clutching a ‘martial sex aide’. Yeah. 50 Shades of Grey was made with Lego in mind:
In making American Sniper, Bradley Cooper transformed into Chris Kyle, hero of the Clint Eastwood movie about the late Navy SEAL:
“Walsh added that Cooper didn’t just use his workouts to create the right look for the role. He used them as a springboard to transform into Chris Kyle. The intensity of the workouts got him into the right frame of mind. Cooper would often place a picture of Kyle on the wall of the gym and he blasted Kyle’s personal playlist during workouts, listening to the kind of music that defined Kyle, everything from Metallica and Slipknot to Toby Keith. . . . Bradley Cooper started the program at 186 pounds and ended at 225 with roughly the same percent body fat. By the end of the program, he was performing rack pulls with 425 pounds for 10 reps.”
Cooper’s an actor. What about the real thing?
This isn’t the defining film of the Iraq War. After nearly a quarter century of war and occupation in Iraq, we still haven’t seen that film. I’m beginning to think we’re incapable as a nation of producing a film of that magnitude, one that would explore the civilian experience of war, one that might begin to approach so vast and profound a repository of knowledge. I’m more and more certain that, if such a film film ever arrives, it’ll be made by Iraqi filmmakers a decade or more from now, and it’ll be little known or viewed, if at all, on our shores. The children of Iraq have far more to teach me about the war I fought in than any film I’ve yet seen — and I hope some of those children have the courage and opportunity to share their lessons onscreen. If this film I can only vaguely imagine is ever made, it certainly won’t gross $100 million on its opening weekend.
The biggest problem I have with American Sniper is also a problem I have with myself.
It’s a problem I sometimes find in my own work, and it’s an American problem: We don’t see, or even try to see, actual Iraqi people. We lack the empathy necessary to see them as fully human. In American Sniper, Iraqi men, women, and children are known and defined only in relation to combat and the potential threat they pose. Their bodies are the site and source of violence. In both the film and our collective imagination, their humanity is reduced in ways that, ultimately, define our own narrow humanity. In American Sniper, Iraqis are called “savages,” and the “streets are crawling” with them. Eastwood and his screenwriter Jason Hall give Iraqis no memorable lines. Their interior lives are a blank canvas, with no access points to let us in. I get why that is: If Iraqis are seen in any other light, if their humanity is recognized, then the construct of our imagination, the ride-off-into-the-sunset-on-a-white-horse story we tell ourselves to push forward, falls apart.If we saw Iraqis as humans, we’d have to learn how to live in a world far, far more complicated and painful than the difficult, painful one we currently live in.
The movie is not real. It’s made to entertain. If you get your news from Hollywood, then you’re not that into news:
The news Ghostbusters movie is an all-female affair. It’s going to be fan-tastic. Dan Aykroyd and Bill Murray were at the top of their games when the first Ghostbusters film hit the big screens. But who needs them when you have a script like this?
Spotter and scriptwriter: Sean Mullins
The daughter of late American singer Whitney Houston has been found unresponsive in a bathtub in a home in Georgia, US police say.
The BBC adds:
Bobbi Kristina Brown, 21, was found by her husband and a friend, police said. They immediately started resuscitating her until police and medics arrived.
She was taken to a hospital in Roswell where she was said to be breathing.
Whitney Houston was found dead in February 2012, aged 48, in a bath in a hotel in Los Angeles.
Lisa Holland of Roswell Police Department told People: “Obviously we all know her mom died this very same way.”
Was that necessary? Because the Mail adds:
The LA County coroner said her death was as a result of drowning and effects of atherosclerotic heart disease and cocaine use
So. The same way?
Chelsea Handler has sat topless on a naked camel. It’s a statement, Handler says:
“A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can’t live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And, You don’t even have to be topless. L’chaim.”
Chelsea Handler lives in California.
Compare and contrast the views of Amal Clooney, wife to actor George Clooney.
On January 11 2015, Amal was at the 72nd Golden Globes, an acting AGM at the Beverly Hilton Hotel.
She sported a “Je Suis Charlie”, a nod to the journalists murdered for expressing an opinion.
Free Speech. No Buts.
On Janaury 28, Amal Clooney is a member of a legal team representing for Armenia at the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg, eastern France. Clooney is among the lawyers arguing at the European Court of Human Rights against a Turkish man convicted in Switzerland for denying the 1915 Armenian genocide. She is challenging a decision that ruled the manÂ’s right to free expression was violated.
Je Suis Charlie Hebdo. They just don’t want to be him.
Hey, it’s our right to demand an edn to free speech!
Back to the drawing board.
The Sun has news of pneumatic Playboy model Loredana Chivu (as seen above):
Playboy model’s dad killed himself after daughter’s nude shoot
A PLAYBOY model has revealed her father killed himself after she stripped off for a naked photo shoot. Loredana Chivu, 25, had always been close to her dad but he was furious when she appeared nude for the adult magazine aged 18.
What a horrible story.
He cut off all contact with his daughter and the pair didn’t speak for months. But when Loredana went to his house to make peace, she was horrified to find his lifeless body hanging in the attic.
Hollwyood has run dry of ideas when you get the third film Ghostsbusters made with an all-female cast. The Hollywood Reporter notes:
Melissa McCarthy, who was already in talks for one of the leads, has signed on for the Paul Feig-directed reboot, and the studio is now negotiating with Kristen Wiig, as well as “Saturday Night Live” players Leslie Jones and Kate McKinnon…
CNN spots that naysayers:
As some of the Twitterati accused the ladies-led “Ghostbusters” concept of being a “gimmick,” Feig swiftly responded, “Interesting how making a movie with men in the lead roles is normal but making a movie with women in the lead roles is a ‘gimmick.’ #its2014.”
Morgan Freeman nails Black History Month and ends racism, just like Rosa Parks and her fried chicken did
Morgan Freedman nails Black History M0nth and the obsession with division:
The Republican National Committee has congratulated civil rights hero Rosa Parks for her role in ending racism”.
Meanwhile…over at NBC it’s fried chicken fot all the folks (via):
Such are the facts…
Celebrity Big Brother is making news in the tabloids. In the Sun and Star (now the only paper for topless stunnas – watch those readership figures soar!). Both papers have a league table of how the housemates are getting along.
The top two spots in the Sun’s list are occupied by Sun columnist Katie Hopkins (“bloody hilarious” and “no longer heartless”) and Sun columnist Katie Price.
Over in the Star, the Number 1 hosuemate is “laugh-a-minute” Keith Chegwin, who in the Sun‘ is “starting to crack” and “needs to crack a few more jokes”. Chegwin was once the hsot of Naked Jungle, the the Channel 5 “gameshow for naturists”. That was when Channel 5 was owned By Richard Desmond, who also, er, owns the Daily Star.
Such are the facts…
Fantastic! Ray Charles tries to get arrhythmic and tone-deaf English kids to sing ‘Hit the Road Jack’ in 1964
Fantastic! Ray Charles tries to get arrhythmic and tone-deaf English kids to sing ‘Hit the Road Jack’, 1964.
It’s from the film Ballad in Blue. Yeah. These were the better kids (when they hit the high notes they all turn into Hayley Mills):