WHAT did Prince Philip says to a Polish research scientist as he toured Cambridge’s Medical Research Council’s Laboratory of Molecular Biology (LMB)?
a) “Watch out for the Germans”
b) “Liz’s plumbing’s gone bit leaky”
KATIE Price uses her Sun column to opens up on Alicia Douvall, the ambulatory cosmetic surgery menu:
“Alicia Douvall has admitted she’s had so much surgery she can no longer smile at her daughter Papaya.”
Happily, plenty of others will…
TOP model Cara Jocelyn Delevingne saw fit to show off her new tattoo. It’s the letters“CJD” on her hand. Chances are high that this is precursor to theCJD brand on key fobs, handbags and phone cases. It might lead to a chain of eateries and Waitrose ready meals. But we can slap this one under fail. A quick look an the acronym finder tells us that CJD stands for:
CJD Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease
a fatal degenerative disease of the human brain, thought to be caused by an abnormal, infectious form of cellular prion protein.
Mad cow, indeed…
BY now you must be wondering what Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have been up to. Well, he’s taken to calling himself Yeezus and she’s got gates that Bambi and Thumber would have admired. Here’s a selection of headlines that followed an apparent coming together of his hot, throbbing metal and her portals:
“Kanye West’s Lamborghini Trapped In Kim Kardashian’s Electric Gates”
In LA everything is electric
Feel the weight!
With sound effects!
Eat yer heart our Stu Francis:
THERE is a thrill in spotting a famous face. Some people will play it cool when the hearing excited murmurs that a famous face is close by but most – and I am one – will want to see the star.
My first celebrity spot was Derek Underwood, the Kent and England cricketer. He was sat in a Bournemouth pizzeria with Kent’s Bob Woolmer, the late South African team coach. I was one table over with my dad. It was he who spotted the players. Gesturing at my napkin and silently sliding a pen over towards me, dad thought it would be a good idea if I went and over got their autographs. Back then a signature was considered proof of the meet. I went over. They were charming. I had practically no idea who they were. But, still, I had the proof that I’d met them and that was everything to me and my father.
Nowadays autographs are considered naff. Photos are the thing. And because mobile phones have cameras, and phones are ubiquitous, the star can be snapped at any time. But, then, not everyone wants to be a paparazzo. Not everyone wants to be brash and invasive. So. You take a photo from afar and hope you captured the legend. On the Tumblr Crap Paps, such photographs are recorded.
Who are they. Go to the end of the story to find out:
A. The distance shot snap.
DEMI Moore is a name that smack of contradictions. Nominative determinism views Demi Moore as an Anglo-French woman who asks for half but wants more. Her new lover is called Will Hanigan. And, yes, he is, as his name suggests, all about his penis, which in keeping with his job as a pearl diver features a single pearl embedded in the shaft *.
The NYDN reports on the man Demi met on a yoga course:
“He had a pearl inserted in his penis when he was in his late teens. It is pearl farming tradition and he would always joke about it in Australia. He’d boast it’d give girls extra stimulation in the bedroom.”
It might also give the ladies an extra reason to squeeze real hard and hang on. But, then Willy is au fait with prizing open oysters and holding his breath. Sheesh. The sex is going to be great. Unless another pearl diver spots the glint in Willy’s trunks and whips out his own harpoon.
WHEN the Oklahoma tornado raged, The Daily Show co-creator Lizz Winstead thought it an idea to politicise the destruction. She tweeted:
She has now deleted the tweet.
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GEORGE Michael was trying to shut the door on his car when he tell out of it. The singer was travelling at 70mph down the M1 when the accident occurred.
Well, so says Katherine Fox, 23, who was in a car behind Michael’s silver Range Rover.
“I saw blood everywhere and a man on the ground. I thought someone had run across the road and been hit. I asked what had gone on and was told he tried to open the car door and shut it again because it wasn’t shut properly and apparently fell out at 70mph.”
HERE’S one for the file marked National Anthem Disasters. At the 2013 Memorial Cup game between the Portland Winterhawks and the Halifax Mooseheads, singer Alexis Normand was booked to sing the US national anthems. She forgot the words. French-Canadian Normand could made some up in the mode of Ella Fitzgerald’s memorable make-it-up-as-you-go-along version of Mack The Knife (see below). Alas, she didn’t.
MICHAEL Jackson never died. He just put on weight and stopped keeping his trousers up by pressing his hand on the gusset. Also, this video proves that Jackson really is someone’s dad. Gerra load of that dancing:
And that’s how Jackson got to be naked from the waist down, yer honour…
WE never did get to bid for the used bikini Farrah Abraham, star of Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom. wore for her porn debut. The outfit was pulled from eBay over hygiene concerns. The pink bikini was advertised as “encrusted” in “crystals“. She calls them crystals. We call them stains. Your boyfriend calls them pearls. (Right now millions of mums of adolescents are working de-crusting unguents on bed sheets.)
Incredibly, someone had bid $14,700 for the second-hand bikini.
By now many of you will be wondering who Abraham is and if she can help you make a mint from selling your soiled undies. Well, she’s the former star of MTV’s Teen Mom who took her four-year-old daughter Sophia along to Vivid Entertainment for porn contract negotiations. She then recorded a porn film for big bucks.
ON Sorry I Haven’t A Clue, Tony Hawks sings The Smiths’ Girlfriend in a Coma to the tune of Tiptoe through the Tulips:
Note: Tiptoe Through The Tulips lends itself to laughs. Scroll to the bottom to hear Tiny Tim flower walking with care.
THERE’S nothing quite like mishearing lyrics is there? Well, good news! Here’s a video, to kickstart your weekend, which looks at the hits of the 90s, which mishears all your favourite lyrics and shares them with you!
2 Become 1 by the Spice Girls takes a sinister, Operation Yewtree turn, while Britney Spears single ...Baby One More Time makes her look even more mental than usual.
Radiohead’s Creep becomes less of an anthem of disenfranchisement, and something more ‘base’.
And Hanson? Well, you’ll just have to see what they’re on about.
WHEN Angelina Jolie announced that she’d had a double mastectomy to greatly reduced her high risk of getting breast cancer, we listened. Like her or not, her actions were brave. But on twitter, many took another view. They pitied Brad Pitt for having lost “his” breasts. They called Jolie selfish. They called her not a woman. They perverted karma into a kind of painful retribution. They tweeted:
EXTRACTS from Poptastic! My Life in Radio, by Tony Blackburn, as selected by Eamonn Forde. It turns there is more to Tony than admiration for Neil Sedaka and pressed trousers. Here’s what Tony didn’t cover in his first autobiography, 1985′s Tony Blackburn: The Living Legend.
First few facts about Tony for our overseas and younger readers:
Blackburn’s was the first voice heard on Radio One in 1967. In his album Tony Blackburn Sings, he crooned a version of The White Cliffs of Dover. The rest of career saw him become remarkably uncool.
Now for the extracts. Nice!
”I’d say that seeing Bobby Vee perform was far more enjoyable than watching The Beatles in their prime. I was never big on Elvis – I prefer Perry Como – and I’ll take Alvin Stardust over David Bowie any day.”
THE Sunday People had “exclusive” news of Mark Lester and Michael Jackson’s kids. In “JACKOS KIDS PATERNITY BOMBSHELL”, we learn:
The 54-year-old actor, who was Michael’s best pal for 30 years, donated sperm to the superstar a year before the singer’s first child was born.
Lester has “sensationally revealed he could be their read dad”.
THE Beatles play Sack My Bitch Up at Shea Stadium, 1965. (It’s what they wold have wanted):
BEING a Beatle isn’t easy. When you’re trying to do a show, you’re met by most gussets and a wall of screams. However, in Brazil, they like to do things a bit more Biblical.
And so, to Sir Paul McCartney who played a show in South America and found himself hit by a plague of grasshoppers.
During his 3 hour gig in Goiania, Macca was bombarded by the insects. Tom Jones gets a hail of knickers, and poor old Paul gets a mouth filled with horrible bugs. But, then, he is Beatle (geddit?!).
A SIMPLE haircut prompts most ludicrous fashion and tabloid writers to hoot about celebrities like they’re shape-shifting lizards, when really, it is just a human who fancied a change.
Endless columns are written, debating about whether a person getting some new clothes or a hairdo is a good thing or, indeed, what it suggests for their future.
Most of the time, it means absolutely nothing, just like a hair cut in the real world.
HOWEVER. Someone got their hair done differently and you can barely recognise them. Seriously. Like they’re a shape-shifting lizard or something. Look at this woman. Any idea who it is?
“[I might] end up with a woman, raising my children….That’s how androgynous I am.”
It all depends on who the agency sends over.
ALL hail the new Disney Princess, a fairy-nosed, thick-haired, thin – THIN! – big-eyed cartoon of dreamy perfection. VitaminW notes how Disney have worked their magic on Merida, break-out star of the 2012 cartoon film Brave.