Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Did you see the stories about Mini-Me Vern Troyer and ‘the blonde”? Yesterday the Mail and others published a photograph of Troyer at Leeds United FC.
He was there with Eleonora Cellino, daughter of United’s owner Massimo Cellino.
It might come as shock to many Troyer and Leeds watchers that ‘the blonde’ has a name.
Another Sun on Sunday weekend and with it comes another story of how one member of the X Factor Stereo Kick range “dipped his wick 3 times a night”.
STEREO Kicks singer Casey Johnson bedded a girl three times in a hotel room after a night out clubbing.
I once watched The Alarm get pelted with bottles, cans and at least three big ceremaic cider jugs. They played on. Terry Hall, of The Specials, isn’t going to take it. When a face in the crowd at Nottingham Rock City tosses a can towards the stage, Hall reacts.
Language is very spicy. You’ve been warned.
Bill Cosby is under the cosh. The actor who played cuddly Cliff Huxtable in the Eighties – a kind of safe suburban Black Man Can Jumpers – is accused of being a rapist.
No trial. Now arrest. No charges. Bill Cosby says he’s innocent. He says:
“I know people are tired of me not saying anything, but a guy doesn’t have to answer to innuendos.”
But the media is onto him. CNN declares:
From TV dad to accused sexual predator
Celebrity chef Jack Monroe’s most recent story for The Guardian tells readers:
pizza with kale pesto recipe – I make a lot of pizza for the kids as a treat – and don’t feel at all guilty about sneaking wholemeal flour into the base and vegetables on top.
If the woman who cooks to a budget (one that’s getting bigger) doesn’t feel guilty about wholemeal flour in a child’s pizza (has she no conscience?), maybe her tweets with prick her into mental unrest.
A recent one opines:
Because he [David Cameron] uses stories about his dead son as misty-eyed rhetoric to legitimise selling our NHS to his friends: #CameronMustGo
In 2009, Mr Cameron’s six-year-old son Ivan, who suffered from cerebral Palsy and epilepsy, died.
We don’t know what young Ivan would have made of Monroe’s charm, but maybe she can create a Twitter account in the child’s name and use it to contact David Cameron and get her views across in a more sensitive manner?
Tweet 1: “@IvanCam: I never knew wholemeal pizza could taste so good. Thanks Jack Monroe”
Santa’s ‘Close Friend’ Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen And The Papers Say The Rubbish Magical Journey Is ‘Amazing’
Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen designed The Magical Journey, near Sutton Coldfield. And Santa Claus himself endorsed it:
“Father Christmas has selected the Belfry Resort and also asked his close friend Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen to create a ‘North Pole Outpost’ that will be a winter wonderland of magic and drama.”
Vistors calls the place “appalling”, “cheap” and “rip off”.
This Christmas why not sit back and liten to the sounds of former Coverntry City, Aston Villa, Norwich City and Manchester United footballer Dion Dublin? It’s for charity.
And it might be pretty good. Dion has muscial roots.
Lewis Hamilton the Formula One drivers’ contest. The news media goes wild for the circus. And the newspapers have to decide if they lead with the British sportsman who stood in his car and waved the Union flag, or focus on his American lover Nicole Scherzinger:
The Sun: Lewis and Nicole Scherzinger both win! He drove. She worked wonders with the radio.
In the Daily Mail, it was all Nicole. She wins! And those bitten nails have recovered well.
The Times leads with Lewis and Nicole. What she dosn’t know about traction is not worth knowing.
Likewise on the Indy.
The Mirror leads with the Lew & Nic show. It graciously photoshops Lewis into the picture of the beaming Nicole.
The Daily Star has no photograph of Nicole in a bikini. The paper that once supported the EDL leads with the mixed-race Briton waving the flag and a neat headline. The Star is winning.
The Express prefers to overlook Lewis Hamilton and focus on how great Ukip are. The mixed-race British champion can wait for Nigel Farage to tell us how he’ll send ‘em back.
What no Nicole? The Telegraph realises that Lewis Hamilton’s car had no passenger seat.
And the Guardian, too. He sat alone in the car.
Not so says the Metro. This was Nicole’s win. And, yes, she is kisisng his helmet.
The final table:
Nicole: 6 front pages; 7 front-page photos; one solo
Lewis: 7 front page; 7 front page photos; 2 solo
Lewis Hamilton narrowly pips Nicole to the F1 title. Better luck next year, Nicole.
When Patti Smith and David Lynch from the BBC’s Encounters series they talked about the movie Blue Velvet and the series Twin Peaks. Smith says of the Russian band Pussy Riot:
“These girls did something absolutely original. As even a mother or a grandmother, they are in my prayers.”
They also talk about hair:
Former beer model and ITV presenter Melanie Sykes’ estranged husband has been talking to the Sun. The couple enjoyed a whirlwind ramncne – he first spotted her on Twitter. After marriage. Mel told one and all, “I’ve never met anyone before who I have the kind of synergy that I have with him.” Who doesn’t crave synergy in a love story.
They hit it off, as the Sun reports:
Toy-boy Jack Cockings, 28, said the I’m A Celebrity star slapped him during heated rows. He said Mel, 44, even hit him on honeymoon — after she downed eight cocktails by the pool then drunkenly lashed out.
Is he filing a criminal complaint for alleged domestic battery?
“She went to slap me, but missed because I pulled away. She went again and landed that one. The slap around the face shocked me — especially because it was on our honeymoon. It ended up with me restraining her.”
WHEN the Associated Press sat down to talk with Bill Cosby about his new TV show, the conversation turned to allegations that he has sexually asaulted women:
“With sexual assault allegations gaining increasing attention, The Associated Press reviewed an on camera interview with Bill Cosby earlier this month and made the decision to publish his full reaction to questions about the claims.”
An allegation is just that. No criminal charges have been placed.
What I like about this is the AP journalist’s fearlessness. With no prior agrement that anything said would be off the record, the AP’s Brett Zongker broached the hot story.
Cosby ‘s response was odd. He later asked Zongker not to publish the video. Zongker said he could not gurantee that. Why should he?
At every level, an interview must be entertaining. And this is. The subject matter is dark and disturbing. But we are all interested in it…
GEMMA Collins is out the I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here! jungle and the Sun says she’s been bullied. No, not by a TV producer encouraging her to eat a kangaroo’s anus. Gemma’s been bullied by footballers on Twitter!
QUEENS Park Rangers ace Charlie Austin, 25, branded Gemma “the female Shrek” in a string of abusive posts on Twitter. His ex-Burnley team-mates Kieran Trippier, George Porter and Kevin Long also joined in.
Calling Gemma Collins Shrek is appalling. Hats off to the Sun for highlighting this shocking abuse:
Calling another human being Shrek is a shocking low, says the Sun:
The Sun ends with:
Their taunts came as the FA rolled out a week-long anti-bullying campaign.
Footballers are such bullies – even the ones who look like Shrek…
WHY did weeping Gemma Collins quit the I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! jungle? The Sun knows:
DEVASTATED Gemma Collins last night revealed her four days in the jungle had been haunted by the memory of her bitter break-up with her boyfriend. The Towie star — who dramatically quit I’m A Celebrity yesterday — admitted she was struggling to cope after the bust-up with Alex Moss hours before flying to Australia.
BOB Geldof has used his Band Aid brand to help Ebola victims. Once more the celebrity chorus asks if Africans know it’s Christmas. Do you sense the whiff of celebrity colonaliasm, with Africa and its Ebola virus a backstory to those good Western hearts? Is his grandstanding annoying you? Or should you just appreciate the effort – after all, if it helps the victims so what the good cause is a celebrity vehicle?
Anyone listening to the BBC this week could be forgiven for thinking that the musician Bob Geldof had just emerged from Africa, like a latter-day Dr Livingstone, the first westerner with news of a deadly new virus..
Bob Geldof walks into this international effort as a nostalgia act from the 1980s. He seems unaware of all the parodies of his charity singles. One spoof, ‘Africa for Norway’, is a video showing Africans recording a charity song to raise funds for radiators to keep Scandinavians warm in winter. ‘In Norway, kids are freezing,’ runs the first line. ‘It’s time for us to care.’ The video asks us to consider what Africans would think of Europe if the only images they saw were of the freezing and the dying. (This winter, incidentally, at least 20,000 British pensioners are likely to die of the cold — an annual event. Where is the charity single for them?)
As one Liberian student put it this week, Geldof is suffering from a ‘white saviour complex’. Listen only to Band Aid and you might want to give to Africa but never invest there. You would not guess that any African country could have an economy, still less that they have hospitals, doctors and administrators who are making the biggest contribution to fighting Ebola…
The very title of Geldof’s song, ‘Do they know it’s Christmas?’, suggests that Africans are as ignorant as they are poor and sick. Apart from in Arabic north, Christianity thrives in Africa rather more than it now does in much of Europe — so there is a somewhat high awareness of when Christmas falls (in January, for Ethiopians and Egyptians). In Britain, people will most certainly know it’s Christmas but we’re less likely than ever to mark the occasion by actually going to church. In Geldof’s 1985 Live Aid concert, David Bowie knelt and said the Lord’s Prayer in front of the crowd. It is unthinkable that any pop star would try to do this now and expect the audience to applaud — unless they were touring Africa.
John Wight is also unimpressed:
Band Aid reinforces negative stereotypes of Africa and Africans. It reflects a colonial mindset that is so deeply entrenched in Western culture that we aren’t even aware it exists. The sight of a bunch of rich pop stars parading themselves as paragons of virtue and heroes is crass and eminently offensive. While it may allow them to wallow in self congratulation and positive PR, it is paternalism of the most grievous kind.
Laura Seay is literal:
The original version “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” was awash in negative stereotypes of Africa and the Ethiopian people Live Aid purported to help. The song treated Africa as an homogeneous place, “where nothing ever grows, no rain or rivers flow” and “where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears.” It also claimed that “there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmastime,” a factual inaccuracy that betrayed the lyricists’ ignorance of both basic geography and the giants of 20th-century literature.
In addition to conflating an entire continent with one country, Band Aid’s portrayal of the crisis ignored the man-made dimensions of Ethiopia’s 1984 famine; people were starving not simply because of the regional drought, but because of direct interference by governing officials who used starvation to punish the ethnic groups they considered to be political enemies.
The 30-year anniversary version features rewritten lyrics that somehow manage to be even more inaccurate than the original ones were. Let’s start with these lines:
There’s a world outside your window, and it’s a world of dread and fear
Where a kiss of love can kill you, and there’s death in every tear
And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom.
The idea that no one in Liberia, Sierra Leone, or Guinea will be celebrating Christmas, or that “Christmas bells…are the clanging chimes of doom” is beyond ludicrous; it betrays a total ignorance of the importance of Christianity in each country’s culture, the sense of joy and celebration that can arise among all people even in the most dire of circumstances, and the fact that most West Africans – even in the Ebola outbreak zone – are not in fact suffering from Ebola.
The tune is catchy. And should the lyrics be taken literally?
There will be snow in Africa this Christmastime.
Especially in the Ski Resorts of Maluti Mountains in Lesotho and Oukaimeden in Morocco. Later on in the year you could also find snow in Tiffindel and even Sutherland in South Africa…
Things do grow in Africa.
Rather a lot of our fruit and veg for example.
“Where nothing ever grows, No rain nor rivers flow”
It’s not the moon!
In 2007 African nations accounted for around 14% of UK imports of fruit and vegetables.
Here is some tea growing in Rwanda, Africa (which consists of 54 different countries by the way).
My real problem is Geldof’s insistence on shaming Adele for not appearing on the track. “Adele is doing nothing,” said Geldof at the weekend. “She’s not answering the phone… she’s not writing. She’s not recording. She doesn’t want to be bothered by anyone. She won’t pick up the phone to her manager. She’s bringing up a family, you know.”
This is as condescending as the song itself – do Africans know it’s Christmas? Given that over 500 million people living there are Christians, we must presume the answer to that is yes – and worse, it is a form of bullying that has sneeringly been dressed up as do-gooding.
The message is loud and clear, even if the music isn’t: Geldof is here to save West Africa from Ebola, and Adele, with her peculiar un-celebrity desire to sod the limelight as she brings up a toddler, is a selfish little woman who must be publicly humiliated.
…on receiving the proposed lyrics on Thursday – two days before the recording was due to take place in London – I was shocked and appalled by their content. The message of the Band Aid 30 song absolutely did not reflect what Africa is truly about and I started to question whether this was something I wanted to be a part of.
I pointed out to Geldof the lyrics I did not agree with, such as the lines “Where a kiss of love can kill you and there’s death in every tear”, and “There is no peace and joy in west Africa this Christmas”. For the past four years I have gone to Ghana at Christmas for the sole purpose of peace and joy. So for me to sing these lyrics would simply be a lie.
In truth, my objection to the project goes beyond the offensive lyrics. I, like many others, am sick of the whole concept of Africa – a resource-rich continent with unbridled potential – always being seen as diseased, infested and poverty-stricken. In fact, seven out of 10 of the world’s fastest growing economies are in Africa.
Still. Catchy tune…
EVER been to a disco that made you feel awkward, terrible and upset at the realisation that you were among your people?
John Waters hitchhiked his way across the USA. He’s written it up in Carsick.
“I have probably 8,500 books all catalogued and everything. I’m a book collector. The novelizations of movies which no one collects? I collect them. I also collect porn parodies of literature. So yes, I collect all kinds of books.”
The first two chapters of his book are fictional. He wonders what thrills await him, such as giving head during a demolition derby and being murdered by a serial killer with a thing for film directors.
“Some people skip [the introduction] and they don’t realize the first two parts are fiction. They say, ‘Did that really happen?’ Do you really believe my singing anus did a duet with Connie Francis?”
Save it for the movie…
ONE Direction singer and sort-of dancer Zayn Malik has “blasted drug abuse claims made about him by a presenter on live US TV.”
The Sun’s story goes:
After the singer, 21, missed a trip to America, Today Show host Matt Lauer asked his four bandmates: “There have been rumours of substance abuse, what’s going on?”
Zayn last night told The Sun: “I’m really angry and upset by what was said on The Today Show. I was really ill at the weekend, that’s why I couldn’t fly to America.”
Zayn was so angry he called the Sun. That’s the paper that reported back in May:
ONE Direction’s Zayn Malik was at the centre of a drug-taking storm last night after he was filmed allegedly smoking a cannabis joint.
After a load of fans had burnt 1D souvenirs and declared Zayns a bad ‘role model’ in the Sun, the paper published a transcript of what he and bandmate Louis Tomlinson had discussed.
Dan Wootton, who brings us today’s Zayn shocker, late told readers:
ONE Direction’s Harry Styles is furious Louis with Tomlinson and Zayn Malik have risked the band’s future with a cannabis-smoking video.
What utter balls. Even if he was smoking weed, it never did the careers of this lot any harm.
‘Angry’ Zayn tells Sun readers:
“As soon as I’m feeling better I’m going to join the guys and carry on with the promotion for the album. I was gutted to have to miss album release day. But I’m going to be back as soon as I can.”
Hell hath no fury like a slighted 1D-er!
Lauer raised unsubstantiated online rumours about drug use in front of millions of viewers, during a massive televised gig by his band in front of 15,000 fans in Florida.
Rumours? This is what the Sun wrote:
Harry believes they were stupid and reckless after a leaked film shows Zayn puffing on a spliff in a tour van and Louis appearing to do the same.
The Sun has clearly stated that Zayn was smoking a “spliff” and featured in a “cannabis smoking video”.
The same Sun now says there are rumours that Zayn has taken drugs. Not in the Sun there haven’t been – in the Sun the allegation is presented as fact. Until today, when those apparent facts are reduced to allegations:
In May the band called in lawyers after a video emerged of him allegedly smoking cannabis in the back of a tour van in Peru…
But last night a source revealed: “Zayn usually accepts that rumours are part of his job. But he’s completely raging about Lauer’s comments. He’s utterly shocked. Sure he might have smoked a bit of dope in the past, but substance abuse is a completely different thing. It’s also disgusting that the other boys would be put on the spot like that based on rumours on social media.”
Lest you slack-jawed readers think that smoking weed is substance abuse, Wootton is here to enlighted you. Sure, the NHS says smoking dope and drinking booze can constitute substance abuse – and the Sun agrees – , but the Sun’s Wootton knows better:
ZAYN is devastated and furious that such damaging suggestions have been made so publicly by a respected TV host. He may have been caught on film smoking some weed this year. But “substance abuse” is a quite different suggestion.
Weed is not a subsatnce, says the Sun.
I was with One Direction on Friday night when they guest edited my Bizarre column, then on Saturday morning as they recorded the Band Aid single. Their schedule is manic as they promote their album Four. It was inevitable one would get sick or exhausted. I’ve no doubt that is what’s happened.
Cancel the drugs tests…
THE Sun leads with news of singer Adele and Live Aid 30, the Bob Geldof-driven charity single for Ebola victims:
The Sun is disapproving of Adele, who failed a summons to ask us if Africans know it’s Christmas:
Sir Bob: Adele didn’t answer my calls, she’s doing nothing – Diva no show as stars record Band Aid song
No show? She’s doing nothing. The heartless, self-obsessed ‘diva’. How very dare she ignore Our Bob. ono was there. Mr G21 is doing his bit to save mankind (and tax).
SOCCER legend Paul Gascoigne looks blue as he is seen for the first time in public since being sectioned last month.
‘In public’ now includes walking your wheelie bin down the driveway. It might also include popping to the shops, buying petrol and sitting in your garden. Were the “troubled” former Newcastle, Spurs and Everton footballer taking his bin for a walk, perehaps with a dog or cat inside it, this might be news.
MODERN journalism is much about lists. You make a list and it is news. Things kicked off in 1977, when millions of people (my father mong them) The Book of Lists, compiled by David Wallechinsky, his father Irving Wallace and sister Amy Wallace.
It was a cracking book, a top toilet read. It was a valuable resource when I wrote the quiz questions for the TV show Jeopardy (What is the impossible job?).
CONGRATS to Kelly Rowland, the former Destiny’s Child singer (the one on Beyonce’s left shadow) has given birth. She tells People magazine:
“We are blessed to report everyone is healthy and happy! The dad picked out the name. It has to do with his family.”
That name is Titan Jewell.
He’s either a members of the second order of divine beings, or else a keen WWF fan:
BEN Rogers recalls a moment in the life of Oxford philosopher A J “Freddie” Ayer.
He recalls a conversation between Mike Tyson, Naomi Campbell and the Oxford professor:
KIM Kardashian’s bum makes a hot cup of coffee:
WHEN Kim Kardashain’s naked backside “broke the internet”, our pal Erin picked up her skewer.