Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
The Adams Family
‘MICKY Adams should have known better – no sooner had he pleaded for an end to the ‘trial by media’ of his players then the Press were scrabbling around for more dirt on Leicester City’s ill-fated trip to La Manga.
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| Leicester City held yesterday’s training session behind closed doors |
Of course, it didn’t help that he immediately declared that the three players, currently being held in a Spanish jail on charges of rape, were innocent.
‘If they are guilty of anything, it’s being unprofessional 24 hours before a training session,’ he told a packed press conference.
And he dismissed claims that club captain Paul Dickov raped a holidaymaker, while Keith Gillespie held her against the wall and a third player cheered from the sidelines as ‘drunken excess’.
The Mail is not alone in being amazed that even now the club does not seem to appreciate the seriousness of the charges brought against its players.
Adams even said he would pick his side on Saturday from all players fit and available, ‘regardless of whether they are charged’.
That would conceivably include Dickov, Gillespie and Frank Sinclair, if (as seems unlikely) they are released by Spanish authorities by the weekend.
As for the truth of what actually happened in the hotel room at the Hyatt, it depends on what paper you read.
The Mirror says the three alleged victims were filmed by CCTV cameras laughing and joking – evidence the defence wants to use to show they were not traumatised as they claim.
The Mail claims Leicester City are considering hiring private investigators to look into claims that the three women are hookers.
Two English holidaymakers and a Spanish businessman all claim to have been propositioned by the women, who are of African descent but German nationality.
‘They looked like escorts to me – provocatively dressed, two in tight jeans, one in a skirt and all wearing high heels,’ said company director Pepe Martinez.
‘I certainly got the impression – and so did the two people I was with – that they were prostitutes.’
But the women’s lawyer adamantly denies this.
Encarnacion Gomez tells the Sun: ‘They are not prostitutes. They never had any consenting sexual relations with any of the players.
‘They are married with children and had simply come here for a weekend in the hotel.’
The trial by media continues.’
Hewitt And Cry
‘BEATING up photographers is fast becoming a celebrity sport and, given how irritating the paparazzi can be, not one of which we wholly disapprove.
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| ‘Who wants a piece, then?’ |
Some stars, such as actor Sean Penn and Coldplay’s Chris Martin, have made something of a career out of snapping at the snappers.
But while most are happy to use their fists against the shutterbugs, James Hewitt is pictured in the Mirror attacking freelancer Toby Cohen with a brolly.
The Royal love rat, who the paper helpfully reminds us had a notorious affair with Princess Diana, was arrested and held for four hours following the incident.
Another cameraman Greg Brennan explained: ‘Toby stepped forward to take a picture and the next thing we knew Hewitt lunged at him with the end of his golf-sized [sic] umbrella.
‘We were stunned.’
Not too stunned, however, that they couldn’t take pictures of the incident and sell them to the highest bidder.’
Going Solo
‘IF James Hewitt is the king of reality TV after his win in the Back To Reality show, there is no doubt that Kerry McPudding is the queen.
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| ‘And his thighs are that wide!’ |
And the Star reports this morning that porky husband Bryan McPadding is to quit Westlife after more than five years of massive worldwide success.
The paper says he broke the news in an emotional meeting with the band, saying that he wanted to spend more time with Kerry and their two kids.
That’s the good news; the bad news is that he is planning a solo career…and not as Ginsters’ Pie Taster In Chief.
If Kerry could be excused for worrying about her weekly shopping bill, which will go through the roof now her husband is at home all the time, then we have something to put a smile on her face.
Or rather the Express has something to put a smile on her face – Coffee Tights.
‘Forget step classes, fad diets, seaweed wraps and liposuction,’ the paper advises. ‘Scientists say they have discovered a new pain-free method of losing fat on the thighs – caffeine-filled tights.’
Austrian lingerie firm Palmers has developed the tights, which contain microscopic capsules of caffeine that are supposed to stimulate the breakdown of fatty tissue.
The company claims that the tights start working if worn regularly for just three weeks and women can achieve a two centimetre reduction on each leg.
And as if to prove this, the Express puts a picture of the cellulite-ravaged legs of two middle-aged celebrities – Jerry Hall and (pre-op) Demi Moore – beside the lycra-encased pins of some 18-year-old model.
The results, we can confirm, are amazing.
‘They really work,’ says 24-year-old Austrian Marcella Mueller.
The tights come in five different flavours – espresso, latte, cappuccino, macchiato and frappuccino. Also available in decaffeinated.’
Labelled With Love
‘WE have health warnings on packets of cigarettes, we are about to get health warnings on bottles of alcohol, so why not health warnings about the dangers of unprotected sex?
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| Just who is on the other end of the line? |
As the Mail reports that an epidemic of sexually transmitted diseases is hitting Britains teenagers, fuelled of course by the liberalisation of school sex education programmes under this Government, it is a question that needs asking.
And Robert Whelan, director of Family And Youth Concern, is on hand to ask it.
Young people today are growing up in a culture where there is widespread pressure to have promiscuous sex, he says. We ought to be telling them that such behaviour comes with a health warning attached.
But where do you attach the health warning? It is a potentially painful question and one to which we have no easy answer.
One suggestion would be to put them on condoms, but the Mail has a better idea teenagers should be taught to say no.
For years, schoolchildren have been deluged with resolutely non-judgmental advice, free contraceptives, leaflets such as The Cool Lovers Guide To Slick Condom Use and the abortion-inducing morning-after pill, it says.
The consequences? Last week, it was revealed that under-18 pregnancies have risen again this is a nation that already has Europes worst rate of teenage pregnancies.
In America, where there has been a swing back to the teachings of traditional morality, the picture is very different. Pregnancies, abortions and STDs among teenagers have fallen sharply.
With the Government now not sure whether to encourage people to have safe sex or to encourage them not to have sex at all, Anorak turns to the Mirror for a third way cybersex.
Britain is fast becoming a nation of cybersex addicts, says the paper, which claims that more than half of us have surfed the Internet for porn and one in six of us has indulged in cybersex.
The country is divided as to whether using chatrooms and instant messaging for sexual gratification constitutes adultery in the same way person-to-person sex would do, but it is clear that there are two major advantages to cybersex no pregnancy and no risk of STDs.
In which case, the Government can solve the teenage STD epidemic at a stroke by combining sex education classes with computer studies.’
Matching Red Faces
‘THERE is nothing more embarrassing than turning up at a party to find that someone is wearing the same dress as you.
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| Meg’s legs brought gasps from the audience |
Imagine their horror when Claire Sweeney and Kirsty Gallacher turned up to the Tric Awards gala to discover that they were wearing exactly the same white trouser suit, especially when Claire had to present Kirsty with an award.
Spare a thought for Meg Mathews who was completely overshadowed at the Fifa 100 awards when supermodel Yasmin Le Bon turned up in exactly the same Roland Mouret peephole gown.
And sympathise with the fashion editors of the Mail and the Express, both of whom decided to run a feature on celebrities wearing the same dress on the same day.’
Sex, Lies And Videotape
‘THE Queen might be a fan of Kirstys Home Videos, but there are some other home movies being broadcast in the States that make for more uncomfortable viewing.
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| ‘It would really turn me on if you pretended to be dead’ |
The Express has watched American broadcaster NBCs two-part documentary Princess Diana: The Secret Diaries and reeled in shock.
Reportedly shot by Dianas former voice coach Peter Settelen, the eight hours of audio and video tape are, in the papers opinion, sensational.
Claimed to have been made in the 1990s, the tapes contents are best revealed in excerpts.
On the day of her marriage to Charles, Di says: I was very, very deathly calm. Deathly, deathly calm. I felt I was a lamb to the slaughter and I knew it, but I couldnt do anything about it.
She did try to marry a different man, mixing up Charles multitude of middle names, but it was a weak plot from a desperate woman and came to nought.
It was the worst day of my life, she notes, with an obvious nod at that wedding dress. If I could write my own script, I would have my husband go away with that woman and never come back.
That woman is Camilla Parker Bowles, whose wedding gift to Charles of a pair of Chanel cufflinks (two Cs entwined) sparked a honeymoon row.
She also relates an illuminating tale of how after a Royal funeral Charles became frisky. The next minute he leapt on me, she said, and I thought this was very strange.
If not more than little improper.
But what goes for the norm among our gentrified classes is often beyond the ken of humbler souls like ourselves.
We can only say how thankful we are that Charles managed to control himself during the funeral of his former wife. If not for us, then at least for the young princes…’
Daughter, Daughter Everywhere
‘AFTER voyeurism of the worst sort, in which Diana continues to speak from the grave (or that flat above Paul Burrells florist shop) like a well-manicured ghoul, its time to see that else is being caught on camera.
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| By Royal Appointment |
And by fluke it is none other than the Purveyor of Home Videos by Royal Appointment, Kirsty Gallacher.
The Sun has a nice shot of the Queens favourite presenter looking fit and ready for action in her new sports bra.
Plucky Kirsty also makes it onto the front cover of the Star, where its a hearty Bra-vo for Kirsty.
Her Majesty must be delighted to see that Kirsty is finally being given the space her talents deserve.
And those talents extend to her being the daughter of a famous sportsman (her father Bernard played Ryder Cup golf), an achievement that takes in hundreds of other daughter/presenters.
Among them is Gabby Logan, nee Yorath, whose father Terry played professional football, and who now presents, like Kirsty, programmes on the television.
Gabby fronts a show called The Premiership, a hard-edged investigative broadcast where the movements of suspected sexual felons and their associates are picked over in minute detail.
Exposure to such lowlife can get to a girl, so shes headed off to the Caribbean for some rest and relaxation, in a bikini.
The Express has a short of Gabby in her black two-piece, and produces another picture that stirs memories of another lithe blonde who was so at home beneath the winter sun.
Her name was Diana, and although her father was no top-flight sportsman, he like his daughter, did like to play a round.’
Cereal Adulterers
‘WE are horribly stuck on our self-made image of Charles gently frotting Camilla as his granny, our dear Queen Mother, lies in state.
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| Poundbury village hall’s annual wind ‘n’ grind contest was a hit with the vicar and his wife |
The link between Charles libido and funerals is proving to be an unsavoury one. It needs sweetening up, perhaps with a dash of Guinness and some milk.
If Charles wants to learn the full recipe, he should hot-foot it down to his model village of Poundbury, Dorset, and read the ingredients printed on the side of a box of Dorset Cereals High Fibre muesli.
A less costive Charles will then be free to tup Camilla without any need to be shown pictures of graveyards while his lover whispers Procol Harems Whiter Shade Of Pale into his ears.
He will wind and grind like a Jamaican.
As the Express reports, the locals on that Caribbean island are including a bowl of the cereal and a dash of the black stuff in their foreplay.
Jamaicans cant get enough of the stuff, which they claim boosts their sexual stamina.
Although, what with Camilla being Camilla and Charles being the way he is, a bowl of the blend of fruit and nuts might not be enough.
Perhaps a coffin-ful of muesli should be the first order of the day…’
Prince Of Hearts
‘WE now know what Prince Harry will be like when he grows up.
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| ‘The great thing about black is that it goes with everything’ |
He will travel the globe, dance with movie stars and sunbathe on the decks of yachts with the scions of wealthy businessmen and grocery store owners.
He will take a keen interest in sport (and those who play it), shop until he drops at department stores and tell his innermost fears to a portly butler.
And he will do this while wearing a succession of meringue-like evening gowns, two-piece cerise pink suits and a smile that says vulnerable yet sexy.
You see, as the Sun remarks, Harry is ‘JUST LIKE MUM’. He may well be just like his dad as well, but it’s safest to stick with what we know for sure, and that is what the Sun tells us.
In stage one of Harry’s metamorphosis into his mum, he’s in southern Africa befriending the desperate and needy, who, as luck has it, come in the neat shape of attractive black children, accessories that went with many of Diana’s famous outfits.
The little black number snapped holding Harry’s hand is called Matsu, who became orphaned when his parents succumbed to the voracious AIDS virus.
‘He wants to learn more about the AIDS problem,’ explains a spokesperson for Clarence House. ‘He wants to see what work is being done and tackle it.’
While this is indeed a noble pursuit for a young lad to undertake, it is deemed newsworthy because, as the Express says, it ‘follows in Diana’s footsteps’.
‘The royal {Harry] launched a crusade to confront the horrors of Aids [sic] in Africa by cuddling and playing with children who have lost their parents to the disease,’ says the paper.
This is undeniably behaviour in the mould of Diana, whose selfless work in the medical world made many a patient feel warm and fuzzy for a few seconds.
Anyone who wants to see Diana’s selfless crusade to save the sick and black can consult the many photographs of her going about her hugging.
If you want to see Harry’s campaign and what a terrific bloke he is, you can look at today’s press…’
Kiss The Bride
‘WHILE the rebranding of Prince Harry moves on apace, taking him far away from Hooray Harry, The Playboy Prince to Charity Work Harry, others plan to be made anew.
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| The Dwights |
And they are David Furnish and Elton John, who hope to be the Furnish-Johns or John-Furnishes or Soft-Furnishings just as soon as they are able.
The Express brings news that Elton plans to marry his lover when the law in the UK alters to allow same-sex marriages (they are both male).
‘We’re definitely going to do it when it gets passed,’ says John, the would-be groom or bride. ‘I would like to commit myself to David. I already have in my mind anyway.’
The Civil Partnership Bill is expected to become law sometime next year, and will mean that gay couples will enjoy the same rights as married ones.
Something Elton knows all about thanks to his first marriage to one Renate Blauel (female) in 1984, which hit the skids sometime in, er, 1984.
But back then, as the Star says, the world was a different place and Elton was not friendly with the likes of David and Victoria Beckham.
And if any married couple can inspire John and Furnish to make a go at things, it’s those two. Say it after us, Elton: ‘Day-vid, I love you. You are my rock. You are my meal ticket. You are my career.’
Of course, John and Furnish don’t have to use our words, and ever the lyricist we are sure Elton can pen some great vows for the occasion.
‘Bernie..!”
You Saxo Thing
‘EVER since we told you about dogging, the phones have not stopped ringing.
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| The Dogger’s Delight |
Many have made the error of partaking in such illicit sexual depravity while actually in control of a speeding car, forgetting to park up first.
And that’s not how it’s done. That is doughnutting, and it’s a danger to you and those around you. Especially if, as the Mirror says, you are doing it in a Citroen Saxo.
In ‘Unsafe Saxo’, doughnutters learn that the French-made mini is, according to a study in Which? magazine, the least safe car in an accident.
Of course, the list fails to include all cars, and we note that the arousing Trabant, the car responsible for an entire generation of East Germans, is not included in the tests.
Anyone wanting to test-shag a Trabant for research purposes should pop along to the home of retired motor engineer Graham Goodall, who shares his Peak District estate with 49 of the little aphrodisiacs.
But locals are not all happy living so close to a den of vice, and the Mail reports that many have moaned loud and long and now the Peak District National Park Authority has ordered Goodall to remove at least 40 of his harem.
‘The park authority is trying to shaft me,’ says Goodall. ‘I have consulted a barrister and been told that they have no right to serve this notice.’
We quite like Mr Goodall and, being champions of equality, whether it be for same-sex couples or man-and-machine relationships, are raising a petition to help the eccentric in his hour of need.
But we need a celebrity to get the ball rolling. So if you’re reading this, Mr Stan Collymore, how’s about sparing a hand to help a fellow car lover?
But – WHOOOAAA! – best to park up first!’
Denver Booted And Suited
‘THE Express brushes away its usual hyperbole (‘Looking at gypsies gives you cancer’) and litotes (‘There is no small problem with gypsies giving you cancer’) and gives it to us straight.
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| Becks models Lambeth Council’s Recycling Department’s new uniform |
‘Serves you right for wearing that jumper…’ says the paper’s headline above a story of how David Beckham had his car clamped while he and La Posh dined out in London.
The jumper, which the Express claims is tantamount to a criminal act, is then revealed in all its technicolour hideousness and commented upon by people expert in such knitwear.
It’s a grey, blue and pink diamond-patterned golfing jumper. And to reinforce its unpleasantness, the paper asks Geoff Souster, a tailor on Savile Row, what he thinks.
‘For someone who is at the forefront of fashion,’ he says, ‘this latest look is beyond belief, as he appears to have confused sartorial elegance with gypsy chic.’
And for doing that the Express believes Beckham was correctly stopped in his tracks and fined.
And he’d be rightfully deported, if he didn’t already live in Spain, a place brimful of mind-altering gypsies…’
And So To Bed
‘AFTER exposing the hidden dangers of car parks yesterday, the Mirror today looks afresh on nursery rhymes.
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| Jack couldn’t get the hang of the reverse rider position |
And it takes a peek at an historian who claims to have found the real meanings in those sugary-sweet sing-songs of childhood.
Chris Roberts, a librarian from London, says that Goosey Goosey Gander is not a charming ditty about exacting revenge on godless old people, but a song about the spread of venereal disease.
This is shocking stuff, lifting the veils from our eyes and showing that the old nursery was just a precursor to the modern Internet in posing a danger to children.
For instance, if you want to hear about under-age kids having it off, forget searching the web and cock an ear to Jack And Jill.
The Sun has spoken with the same librarian and now knows that Jack and Jill were dashing up the hill to have sex. The water was a lie.
What’s more, it’s likely that some sicko Victorian portrait artiste got the entire depraved episode on canvas and then distributed it throughout the Empire via a shadowy chain of cable and carrier pigeon.
But while you gag at the sickness of that, the Sun notes that Rub-A-Dub-Dub is about a peep show and Oranges and Lemons – ‘Here comes the chopper to chop off your head’ – tells the tale of a bride losing her virginity, or ‘maiden head’.
And little Jack Horner was most likely the inspiration for the movie, American Pie, what with the plums and so forth.
But, unlike Jack, we do not wish to delve in any deeper, and only hope that such filth is soon expunged from Britain’s musical heritage in a mass burning of books and nurseries.
Say what you like about Eurovision, but it’s as innocent as one of Bo Peep’s much-abused lambs, at least before she got her hands on it…’
Sunny Disposition
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‘HAVING survived so much, it cannot be easy to shock the Queen.
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| ‘Eddie’s a bender, Eddie’s a bender’ |
What with her mother’s teeth, Charles and Diana’s affairs and the discovery that her roots are less in England’s shires than the Teutonic mountains of Germany, the Queen has seen and heard it all.
But sailors aboard the frigate HMS Lancaster are not taking any chances. When the Queen sets foot on the ship this Friday, she will not encounter one member of the crew, who has been specially removed.
The scourge of the seven seas is revealed by the Mail to be a parrot called Sunny. And he has a track record.
When what the Mail terms ‘top brass’ visited the boat recently, Sunny, although locked in a cupboard, could be heard cursing and ranting.
‘Bollocks!’ shouted Sunny. ‘Arse!’ ‘Slag’! ‘You ain’t seen me, right.’ He whistled the theme tune to The Great Escape and yelled: ‘Zulus, thousands of ’em.’
‘She learns new words all the time and mimics what people say,’ says the ship’s logistics officer.
As such, it will be a relief to the crew that Sunny is not aboard at the time of Liz and Phil’s visit.
A few short minutes with them and Sunny could be banging on about slitty-eyed Chinese, Aborigine spear-chuckers, Indian electricians and why Princess Anne looks like a horse.’
Evans Above!
‘PAUL seems to have developed a bizarre desire to turn himself into the late Barry Evans (right down to the Ratners jewellery).
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| ‘Twenty quid on Pat at 3-1 on’ |
Not content with sleeping with one of his wives, Paul has now turned his attention to the other: Natalie. Even by EastEnders standards, its an odd pairing – but when has characterization ever got in the way of a random storyline?
Paul has been helping to look after Jack after Barrys death and has got close to Natalie, even sharing a couple of snogs in the Vic (who says romance is dead?). Janine accused him of using Natalie to make him feel better about his part in Barrys death, so Pauls started to back off.
I cant work out whats going on, Natalie told him. This is all so weird. Tell it to the scriptwriters.
Another bizarre new coupling is Vicki and Ash. Clearly, the scriptwriters have no idea what to do with these two pointless characters so have decided to put them together. Unfortunately two planks of wood dont make a plot: although they can make a very handy coffee table.
Ash and Vicki have got close after he talked her down from jumping off a bridge when she was drunk.
Vicki had found out about Sharon and Dennis sleeping together and understandably she felt repulsed by the whole thing. After talking her down, Vicki rewarded Ash with a kiss (hed have probably preferred a box of Roses) and now Ash is teaching Vicky all he knows about gambling.
As Ash is a bankrupt, its probably not going to take too long.
Elsewhere in The Square, the Tariq-Ronnie kidney op storyline continues to grind out. Theyve both recovered from their operations (unfortunately) and the family have offered to let Tariq move in as thanks for saving their brothers life.
The good news, however, is that, with all of them under one roof now, all its going to take is one well-packed letter bomb.
In another equally bizarre and pointless storyline, Mo and Pat have decided to have a dieting contest to see who can lose the most amount of weight. Surely Pat has an unfair advantage – all shes got to do is take off her earrings and shed be a good stone lighter.’
Dog Days (And Nights)
‘REMEMBER the days when the worst thing likely to happen in a car park was kids violating a parking meter to rob a few pence for a bag of Fruit Salad chews?
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| Stan’s career has been dogged by controversy |
Well, wake up! There’s a whole new generation of perverts out there, getting their kicks in every corner of England’s tarmacked and pleasant land.
The Sun names and shames one such sicko on today’s front page. He’s Stan from Cannock in Staffordshire, he’s married, and of an evening he likes to do a bit of ‘dogging’ – sex with strangers, including group action and a little light voyeurism.
Oh, and he’s also a former England footballer called Collymore.
Stan’s hobby is a bit like ‘roasting’, only you do it in provincial car parks rather than luxury London hotels. It’s cheap and cheerful – at least until the tabloids get wind of it.
The Sun’s undercover ladies strung Stan along on a tour of local dogging haunts and received a series of propositions via text message on their mobile phones.
But when he was informed who the lovely ladies were, the Radio Five Live pundit committed the ultimate broadcaster’s crime – dead air.
‘Collymore fell silent, then switched off his phone,’ reports the paper.
‘What I have done is digusting and I’m so ashamed,’ said Collymore last night. ‘But I’m only human – I can only beg for forgiveness.’
No need to beg, Stan – help is at hand. Agony aunt Deirdre explains that it’s all about ‘low-self-esteem’ a degrading double-hyphened sickness that is reaching epidemic proportions.
And like most sick trends, there is no shortage of people ready to capitalise upon it. And Deirdre helpfully provides a phone number through which ‘meetings are organised across the UK’.’
Several Pints And One Short
‘THE Mirror reports that Clare Short was so drunk that she abused the police when they asked to see her security pass at the Labour party conference.
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| ‘But a Samaritan, as he travelled, came where the woman was…’ |
‘She was p***ed out of her head and screaming and shouting,’ said the high-ranking officer who dealt with the case, and was ‘a hair’s breadth’ from being arrested.
In the end, she only escaped prosecution thanks to the intervention of a former homeless person with a heart of gold, who wrote to the police to asked them to have mercy on poor Clare.
That man was Tony Blair, and paper said that the incident happened at the Labour Party conference.
But that was quite a while ago, wasn’t it? Indeed so. In fact, this wasn’t even the most recent conference. It happened in 1997.
So why is it in the papers? Well, Tony Blair obviously didn’t want it to get out that Short had embarrassed herself, or he wouldn’t have helped her in the first place. And the story has been sat on for nearly seven years.
But now Tony and Clare don’t seem to get on any more, and suddenly the story appears prominently on Page 2 of Labour’s most loyal newspaper.
It’s a mystery all right, and one to which we will probably never know the answer.’
Named And Shamed
‘RIGHT, hands up anyone called Cheese! Thank you. Now, would you all go and stand over there, please. That’s great.
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| ‘Anyone up for a roasting?’ |
OK, hands up anyone called Onion! Great! Now, if you could all go and stand next to the Cheeses, that would be lovely.
Now, how would you like to go and make idiots of yourselves by attending a giant party to celebrate the 50th anniversary of Walkers’ cheese-and-onion flavour crisps?
You would? Great! It’s this Friday, and the venue is Leicester City’s football stadium.
But a word of advice to anyone thinking of attending. If you stop in any car parks in the Midlands area and a gentleman suggests that you get together in a sandwich, just say ‘no’.
He’s probably got his dates mixed up and mistaken you for the Roasts and Chickens.’
Horses For Courses
‘STOP the French eating our ponies, pleads the Express.
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| ‘Stop playing with your dinner, Marcel’ |
No, not so we can eat them ourselves. And, most definitely, not because the Somalis have eaten all our donkeys and are now looking for alternatives.
But because it is plain wrong.
Campaigners at the Horse And Ponies Protection Association are astonished by new European Union legislation, the catchy Welfare Of Animals In Transport Directive.
This, apparently, will scrap Britains Minimal Value scheme, which has effectively barred the export of equine beasts for meat by imposing prices too high to make it economically viable.
That will now go, leading to the export of Dartmoor and Shetland ponies (an hors d’oeuvre) and many former pets winding up as the dish du jour at some Frenchmans table.
And a new horse-breeding programme in Ambridge…’
Going The Country Way
‘IT is a little known fact that The Archers are not a family of ruddy-cheeked Englishmen and women but a band of Afghani and Albanian immigrants.
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| Archie was a more wooden performer than he sounded on the radio |
The Archers did once exist as humble tillers of the land but, what with the state of agriculture, they sub-let their plot to some migrant labourers and now fence stolen goods from a lorry in the Costcutters car park at Saffron Walden.
As such, we are not surprised that standards in Ambridge have been on the slide and now pretty much anything goes.
So steel yourself, dear reader, for the next unbearable truth in the unmasking of the Archers as the Express reports on what will be the villages first gay kiss.
The scene will see Adam Macy (Ibrahim al-Chong) and Ian Craig (Olga Svokaski), the new Grey Gables chef, lock lips in a passionate embrace.
We have tried to ensure that the kiss isnt anything too dramatic or sensational, says an unnamed programme source, but its a forlorn hope.
For those, like us, who hanker for the days when the country was an innocent place where people played with a straight bat on the village green and when a gay Morris dancer meant a happy one, we remind you that this is radio.
Just as 1950s radio ventriloquist Peter Broughs little pal Archie Andrews was revealed when he appeared on TV to have licks and a gody made of wood and glue, know that a gay kiss is as rare a sight in the country as a happy farmer.
Or, indeed, a gay one…’
Prince Among Men
‘WE had never thought of Prince Edward as a champion of womens equality – until now.
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| ‘Eddie’s a real brick’ |
Whereas other less progressive men would leap forward to help a damsel in distress, Edward knows when to hang back.
So when Sophie Wessex, his wife, pulled a muscle while skiing and was reduced to walking with crutches, Edward knew what to do and, vitally, what not to do.
The Express looks on as Sophie puts a metal limb onto the steps as she boards the private jet that will bring the couple home from a well-earned break in St Moritz.
And it notes how Edward picks up a small manbag-style case and steps back.
He knows not to fuss and pander to his wife, who sees the steps not as a way to break her neck but as a challenge, as Tenzing and Hilary once viewed Everest.
But even with Eddies lesson in love, ways take time to change and leaping from the Royal pack came a middle-aged man, who dashed up the steps to get in Sophies way.
Graciously, proud Sophie accepted the offer of help (how she must have seethed within) and then looked on as the same male chauvinist pig dashed back down the steps to fetch her daughter, Lady Louise.
It was then time for Eddie to make the climb, and once aboard the aircraft to educate the old throwback in the ways of the modern world.’
What Katie Did Next
‘IS SUN-thing up Jordan? asks the Sun.
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| Jordan |
Which is a bit rude, when you think about it. But add a little comma after up, and a more kindly intention is revealed.
The picture shows Katie Price reading yesterdays Sun with a look of incredulity on her familiar face. And yesterdays Sun, for those who dont remember, bore news that her rival, Victoria Beckham, had gone to the same hairdresser as Katie and demanded that they dont make her look like that dog Jordan.
The paper was handed to Katie as she left a swanky or should that be posh? London restaurant. Oh thanks, she said. Ill have a read of that.
And she was as good as her word. An onlooker who saw her drive off says: It seemed she was reading extracts down the phone to a friend.
This story looks set to run and run ’
Living The Dream
‘AND the Posh-Jordan war broke out on a new front yesterday.
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| Beckham |
The Star reports that Peter Andre has leapt to his girls defence, saying that hell deck Becks if necessary. However, he also said that he fancies Posh which presumably means that Becks will also be expected to deck him in return.
This thought has occurred to Peter too. Let me tell you this, said the multi-talented-yet-delusional Australian hunk, if me and Jordan end up in a serious relationship, its going to end up being between me and Beckham, isnt it?
If you say so, Pete. Meanwhile, Katie is understandably furious. Hes in real trouble, she said. I am furious. I just hope he said it tongue-in-cheek. It sounds too comical for him to have meant it.
Maybe. On the other hand, to borrow a phrase from the world of football, the lad can be anything he wants to be even David Beckhams rival.
And whos to say that if he wants it enough, he wont live the dream? Remember, sometimes dreams really do come true. In the pages of the Star, at least.’
Paper Talk
‘THE MIRROR lands on our doorstep with a reassuring thud. But hang on a minute, the front page is full of some rubbish about Clare Short (whoever she is). Wot, no Jordan?
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| At last! An entire magazine devoted to our favourite celebrity |
Let us explain. Or rather, let Mirror columnist Sue Carroll do it for us. Carroll has helpfully provided us with a handy cut-out-and-keep-or-frame list of 20 things she loves about Britain.
And number four is the diversity of our newspapers. In other words, just because the Sun and the Star plaster Jordan over their pages every day, it doesnt mean the Mirror has to join in.
In any case, they dont need to, because STARTING NEXT WEEK theres a FABULOUS FREE MAGAZINE. Yes, 3am magazine is Britains first handbag-sized free glossy mag devoted to the world of your favourite celebs.
The first, to be sure. But not, we suspect, the last ’
Bearing False Witness
‘POSH: THEY ARE FALSE, announces the Star. 72 per cent of Brits say she HAS had a boob job.
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| 100% of you said you’d rather see this than a picture of Posh’s chest |
Thats 72 per cent of those who voted, by the way. And in case you are wondering who these public-spirited voters are, the paper provides a vox pop, complete with pictures.
The women give considered opinions. Kate Westwood from Solihull says she doesnt like Posh, but thinks her breasts are far more subtle than Jordans, which she describes as ridiculous.
Eleanor Kilner – a student of astrophysics, and so ideally qualified to comment says Posh looks great, and believes that the surgeon did a great job if they are false.
The men are less inclined to get bogged down in detail. Trainee cabbie Glen McNeil reckons that men dont care, as long as theyre boobs.
Ian Ward from Bromsgrove says that he couldnt care less what she does, but thinks she probably has had them done.
But the last word goes to Kathy Lette, the fun-loving punster and author of chucklesome novels such as Mad Cow and NipnTuck.
Her boobs are so big that its not that shes had breast implants, its more that her breasts have had a Posh implant, quips the Australian genius, whose talent is so big that its not that she has had lots of brilliant ideas, its more that lots of brilliant ideas have had Kathy Lette. Or something.
Anyway, the people have spoken, and we can move on to more pressing issues ’
