Red Tuesday: Banks Fall, The Experts’ Top Tips And Spending Is The New Saving

MORE news that no-one knows what’s going on in the money markets as the Sun screams: “BLACKEST DAY”. Or as the Mirror puts it: “BLACKEST MONDAY.”

Black Monday is the name given to Monday, October 19, 1987, when stock markets around the world crashed. Should not yesterday be “Blacker Monday”?

Readers may be confused. To be in the black means to be free of debt; it is in the red that suggests debt and poverty. The Sun’s headline should read: “REDDEST DAY.”

Anorak

Posted: 30th, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (24)

Soldier Ant: Ant And Dec Fight In Afghanistan

DECLAN Donnelly and Ant McPartlin are in Afghanistan.

While the enemy has boy soldiers, we have soldiers who look like toddlers. The Mirror leads with news that both are under attack.

The tots are in the war zone on the pretext of presenting our squaddies with Daily Mirror Pride of Britain awards, plastic medallions featuring the faces of EastEnders Mitchell brothers and the legend: “REAL NEWS… REAL ENTERTAINMENT, 40p.”

Anorak

Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Jade Goody Wants Daily Mirror Readers To Tell The Kids

“HOW DO I TELL THE KIDS?” asks Jade Goody on the Mirror’s foremost news page.

Jade speaks not only of all the world’s children, but specifically of her own. Jade wants to know how to tell her children she has cancer. And the Mirror wants its readers to help.

Anorak

Posted: 27th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (8)

Amy Winehouse Is Sick On Harvey Nichols

HARVEY Nichols loaned Amy Winehouse £25,000-worth of clothes. And the store got it all back. As the Mirror notes:

“She ended up in the loos, where she was violently sick. She eventually couriered them back on Monday, but didn’t wrap them separately. So sick had gone on all the clothes.”

“Even worse, green, furry mould had developed on some gowns, making them unwearable. The store has now asked for its £25k back.”

Of course, this might be the start of a new fashion. Ashley Cole has been notified….

Anorak

Posted: 25th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Who’s Saari Now: The 12th Rule Of Tabloid Journalism

THE 12th Rule of Tabloid Journalism states:

“Each and any incident that can be linked to a website on the internet must be. If victim or perpetrator of crime or deed has a social networking account it should be mentioned at all times, preferably in the headline. The inference should be that the web was the trigger to the action.”

Example:

Matti Saari, 22, shoots and kills 10 people at a school in Kauhajoki, western Finland. He had posted online videos of himself at a gun range. He killed himself.

Headlines:

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 24th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)

Credit Crunch: Sue Carroll Is Down There With The Have Nots

SUE Carroll, the Mirror’s well-paid blonde, white columnist is considering the credit crunch, and hits upon the idea that when money is tight the poor suffer.

In “It’s Britain’s poor who are really feeling the credit crunch”, Carrol opines:

As a nation we’re feeling stressed, physically under par and tired. I get that.

Adding:

There’s nothing more repellent than listening to the haves pretending they’re down there with the have-nots.

Yeah. That is just so pathetic…

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Laughing At The Unemployed City Boy Terrorists

THE Mirror is celebrating the loss of so many jobs in the City. Thousands – secretaries, traders, money makers, revenue, caterers, wealth generators, bar staff, cleaners and more – are looking at redundancy and the Mirror, voice of the worker, is delighted:

Brian Reade:

But I’m still laughing so hard at the sight of those City Boys departing Avarice Towers with their possessions in champagne boxes, that my face is redder than a glistening new Ferrari.

Or redder than an unpaid utility bill. Happily he then wishes death upon them.

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (9)

Madeleine McCann: More Kate Fury, Juliet Stevenson Feels And Ben Affleck Returns

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

DAILY MIRROR: “Kate’s fury at leaked diary story”

Such is Kate McCann’s weekly tabloid fury, it’s a wonder she has any time to do anything other then be furious.

Kate McCann was last night said to be devastated by the unauthorised publication of her diary. You mean those extracts that appeared in the News of the World, sister paper to the Sun, the Mirror’s main rival..?

Lawyers for the McCanns are thought to be demanding an apology and payout for the Find Madeleine fund. The McCanns did not comment.

A payout? Well, if her words sell newspapers, it seems fair.. Unless they are in the public interest?

DAILY MAIL: “Truly, madly, deeply disturbing: A missing child leads Juliet Stevenson to some grisly secrets in a dark new drama”

Anorak

Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (573)

Cheryl Cole’s Private Affair Made Public

CHERYL Cole is back with her vomitous Ashley Sole. She wearing her wedding ring. Although, the Mirror says it might be a ring that was a present for her second anniversary.

Or it might be a spaghetti hoop that got lodged in Ashley’s throat, or a clutch of diamonds that became entangled in the toilet paper and stuck to Cheryl’s fingers?

Anorak

Posted: 18th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Four Facts About Paul Gascoigne’s Drinking

“INFO maniac UK,” screams the Mirror. “Average Briton absorbs 13 new facts per day.”

But which facts? Luckily, Paul Gascoigne is here to help readers. Gazza is by the Metz public house, in Dunston, Gateshead.

DAILY MIRROR: “Desperate for a drink at 9.44am.” Fact!

THE SUN: “Desperate for a drink…” at 9.45am. Fact!

DAILY EXPRESS: “9.30am: Gazza tries to get a drink.” Fact!

DAILY STAR: “Gazza is desperately trying to get into a pub at 9am”. Fact!

Now for 11 more facts to complete the day’s quota… Who’s in the Spurs First XI tonight?

Anorak

Posted: 18th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (11)

Celebrity News Of The Day: Jennifer Aniston Is Rushing

THERE’S a picture of Hollywood actress Jennider Aniston in the Daily Mirror. But why?

“Jennifer Aniston seems to be in a bit of a rush – perhaps she’s heading for a date with a new Friend?”

Yeah, perhaps…

Anorak

Posted: 18th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)

The Idiots Guide To HBOS And The Singing Malteser

HSBOS bank collapses, proof that capitalism works and you’re never to big to go under. (See Lehman Brothers.)

Big news, then. But the red-tops have a problem: they need to make their readers understand what Lehman Brothers was. They do this by finding an easy point of reference and talking down to them in words of one syllable or fewer.

THE SUN: “MASS EXIT – 40,000 face axe, including Howard.”

Howard..? Is he the boss of the failed outfit? In a way yes.

Anorak

Posted: 18th, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (11)

Suicidal Thoughts With The Daily Sport

ANYONE know what percentage of suicides read the Daily Sport? And for another study, does reading the Daily Sport encourage feelings of suicide or are you already suicidal when you buy it?

And for a few pence more, why not just buy the Daily Mail and learn that things can be much worse and usually are.

Much to debate, then, in light of the Press Complaints Commission’s decision to censure the Daily Sport for a “gratuitous article that glamorised suicide” after the tabloid published a “Top yourself tourism” list.

Anorak

Posted: 17th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)

Kate Moss Snorts Cars And Brings Down World Financial Markets

KATE Moss snorts petrol fumes, says the Star. Says Kate Moss:

“I’ve heard it’s one of the most preferred scents in the world – maybe that’s something to study for my next fragrance.”

Moss, as chance has it, has launched her new fragrance, a celebrity vehicle with top notes of Cortina backseat and extracts of mini cab. It’s called Velvet Hour.

And Cocaine Moss’s car news does not end there. No way.

The Mirror says Kate Moss car has been broken into and she fears a £200k ring has been stolen from it. For shame!

Anorak

Posted: 16th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)

Lehman Brothers’ Workers Save Jobs By Playing Bingo

YOU join us for another game of Tabloid Bingo. Today the tabloids are counting the numbers of bankers falling from the windows of Lehman Bothers’ offices.

DAILY MIRROR: “About 4,500 Lehman Brothers staff …may lose their jobs.”
They have chance…

DAILY MAIL: “Some 4,500 Lehman workers lost their job in Britain”

Damn!

Anorak

Posted: 16th, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (4)

The Idiots Guide To The Lehman Brothers

LEHMAN Brothers bank collapses, proof that capitalism works and you’re never to big to go under.

Big news, then. But the red-tops have a problem: they need to make their readers understand what Lehman Brothers was. They do this by finding an easy point of reference and talking down to them in words of one syllable or fewer.

THE SUN (front page): “CRASH – BANG – WALLOP”

Jobs have been lost. Lehman’s hasn’t half a sixpence to its name. But what does it man? Well:

“Manchester Utd sponsor AIG could be next.”

That’s right. Man United fans might be forced to buy a new shirt. And with the season but a few weeks old. For shame!

Anorak

Posted: 16th, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (8)

International Madeleine McCann: And Eye For Denise Pipitone And Finding Rose Pizem

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

DAILY TELEGRAPH: “Italy’s Madeleine McCann ‘found safe and well after four years’”

Italy has it’s own Maddie. Like Isreal? Are we working throught alphabet? If so, look out Jamaica…

Urgent DNA tests are being carried out on the eight year old girl found in Greece to see if she is Denise Pipitone, who vanished in 2004. She missing from outside her grandmother’s house while playing.

And?

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 12th, September 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (474)

Sarah Palin Watch: Paris Hilton’s Moose In Lipstick

SARAH Palin Watch: Anorak’s look at Sarah Palin in the British media…

BRIAN READE (Mirror): One of Reade’s “Big Questions”

“SARAH PALIN admitting she still gets up at 3am to hunt moose. If she fails to make vice-president, will she do a showbiz column with Paris Hilton and Kelly Osbourne called the 3am Moose.”

Back Obama can use that joke against women’s looks, if he likes…

Anorak

Posted: 11th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (10)

Victoria Beckham Leeches Jennifer Lopez

VICTORIA Beckham has new hairdooo.

It’s front-page news in the Sun, Daily Star, Daily Mirror (PETER PAN POSH”), Daily Mail (“short Becks and sides”), and the Daily Express (“Urchin”).

The Sun’s Page 3, Keeley Hazell, says “it suits her”.

Readers get to see her Poshness’s new haircut as she steps out with Jennfier Lopez, aka Jenny Who Owns the Block.

As the picture shows, Posh is the one on the left, who has seemingly leached the colour from the once orangey-brown J-Lo.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)

The Large Hadron Collider Has Killed Everyone

THE LARGE Hadron Collider has killed everyone. If you are reading this you are dead. If you are not reading this you are dead.

DAILY TELEGRAPH:

Gill Hornby: “Before the world ends, I just wanted to say: I told you so”

In my own branch of Astrophysics, CKtC – or, to give it its full name, Curiosity Killed the Cat – we jolly well wish they wouldn’t.

Stalking celebrities for science: Alexander Fsachem needs celebs to make sense of the universe on the BBC…

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 10th, September 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Strange But True, Tabloids | Comments (42)

Daily Mirror Rerouts Cisco Away From Prince Harry

THE story so far: the Mirror says Prince Harry Baseball Cap is at his Boujis club, where he is involved in a binge drinking exhibition with one Cisco Adler.

Says the paper’s 3am Girls one day on:

“So Cisco participated in his own flashy drinking games rocking up a massive bar bill, unlike Harry who merely cosied up and relaxed with Chelsy. Bless!”

The Mirror has the story covered, from all angles…

Anorak

Posted: 10th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Madeleine McCann: Seeking Britain’s Armchair Detectives

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

DAILY MIRROR: “McCANNS HEADHUNT COPS FOR NEW MADDY SEARCH”

As Anorak told you yesterday, the Our Maddie hunt could, maybe, might, you never know, see ex-British police involved. Everyone’s an armchair detective… Or Cluedo.

The Find Madeleine Fund has asked for lists of retired or about-to-retire officers from forces across the country.

Beats playing golf… What do we know so far?

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 10th, September 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (472)