Royal Family | Anorak - Part 29

Royal Family Category

The Royal Family, the House of Windsor, in the news and on a horse

Royal Air Force: Princes Andrew And Eddie Venture Forth

prince-andrew.jpgTHE tabloid rule dictates that pictures of Prince Andrew should feature him with head rolled back and teeth bared in a bray.

Wherever possible, a four iron or putter should be inserted between said teeth.

The putter is out of shot, but the Mail captures Andrew in the mode as he prepares to board a flight to America. For his tour of the former colonies, Andrew will have at his service a 12-seater plane, available at a cost to the British taxpayer of £100,000.

Says his spokesman: “Given the number of engagements this is the only way of doing it.”

But surely, we could find a cheaper solution. Why not send both Andrew and his brother Edward on the trip and so cut down on the expense of a plane?

Each can be passed off as Prince Andrew, or at a push Princess Anne, to the Americans, who should not spot the difference, especially if Eddie can be persuaded to travel everywhere with a golf club tucked under his arm and Andrew takes to wearing a jester’s hat…

Posted: 4th, February 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (3)

LA Calls For Britney Spears Personal Safety Zone

spears-police.jpgSAYS Los Angeles City Councilman Dennis Zine: “I don’t want a repeat of what happened to Princess Diana with a celebrity in Los Angeles.”

What happened to Princess Diana with a celebrity in LA? Does Paul Burrell know? Will the controversy never end?

Mr Zine goes on: “We had to have 12 officers escort [Spears] to the hospital that if not for paparazzi would have been used to prevent crime somewhere else.”

The argument for the escort is to protect the public from “dangers posed by the horde of celebrity photographers pursuing the pop star”. Zine says paparazzi are increasingly endangering celebrities and bystanders with their aggressive behavior and car pursuits. The city needs 12 officers in cars and helicopters to calm the situation.

Of course, if so many police are available to protect Britney Spears and Angelinos from photographers, might it mean that they were not too busy protecting them from murderers, thieves and processing criminals? Or are snappers the sink of all humanity?

“It is a major issue we have to address. We are in a celebrity town,” says Zine. “Celebrities have a right to live in peace and freedom.”

Police Chief William J. Bratton sheds light on the matter by saying Spears is “certainly in great need of assistance”. Such is the celebrity police.

The solution put forward by Zine is not for more crime, meaning less available officers, rather for a minimum “personal safety zone” around individuals targeted by the media. He suggests a zone of clear space in order to protect public safety on streets, sidewalks and at access points to emergency care facilities and private businesses and homes.

It is a cracking idea. We look forward to it being implemented, and Spears walking down a street in the centre of a protective mobile police cordon*.

“Nothing to see here, folks”, say the cops, their keen eyes looking not in at the celebrity in their midst, rather out, scouring the scene for photographers and other nefarious forces…

* Police officers are encouraged to get an agent and enunciate.

Posted: 2nd, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Royal Family | Comment

Feel The Burn With Sarah Ferguson

hell.jpg“THE Duchess of York nearly burnt her house down yesterday after leaving a scented candle alight in a toilet.”

So reports the Sun in story that could only be more blessed with Anorak’s pet irritants had Fergie been distracted from her housework by the sight of Noel Edmonds’ conversations with God on Deal Or No Deal.

It is a little known truth that the fires of hell are infused with the scent of roses, David Beckham Instinct and lavender. This is something even the good folks at the Westboro Baptist Church believe to awful to reveal to sinners. (Their Heath Ledger tribute can be read here.)

Hell may also feature Fergie dressed in a Laura Ashley-print Leotard inviting you to measure her waist and then guess her weight, for eternity…

Posted: 30th, January 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment

Toff Shop: Kate Moss And Princess Beatrice Go Shopping

beatrice-fergie.jpgWE no longer keep up with the Royal Family, but seek to be their betters.

A survey of what Anorak’s typing pool knows of Her Majesty reveals that she keeps breakfast cereals in Tupperware boxes, enjoys Kirsty’s Home Videos on the telly and manages racing pigeons.

The Queen is, of course, so afar above us that she has no need to care. While OK! celebrities plump the cushions and wear suits shiny enough to shave in, Royals slum it in cords and Wellington boots.

Thoughts turn to such matters as we read in the Star that Princess Beatrice is to go shopping with Kate Moss. The shopping spree will happen in New York, where many Britons head in search of a bargain.

The royal PR campaign to make the Family seem normal continues unabated, not derailed by Prince Edward’s business failings, Prince Harry’s non-combatant Army role and Prince Andrew’s golf tour.

Says a source: “Shopping with style icon Kate is a dream come true…She is already excited about mixing vintage, second hand stuff with High Street labels and designer gear.”

To complete the common look, and burnish Bea’s street cred, the Windsor is said to have asked Kate for security advice. “Kate has recommended two female protection officers who she knows well.”

They’ll be the ones in classic black..

Posted: 28th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment

Prince Edward Soldiers On

PRINCE Edward’s son is unwell.

James Wessex is scooped up and rushed to hospital. At Great Ormond Street, mum, Sophie Wessex, waits for news.

Says a palace spokeswoman in the Mirror: “James suffered a minor allergic reaction. It’s not lifethreatening and not serious.”


“Edward continued with his royal duties yesterday, despite his son’s condition.”


“The spokeswoman said the prince’s diary had not been altered because of the hospital visit.”


Posted: 26th, January 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Goths And Pet Lover Banned From Bus

goths-lead.jpgYOU wait ages for a bus story and then three come along at once. See here and here. This is tale of the Goth who walks his girlfriend on a leash.

And when he’s not taking her for a walkies, Dani Graves is taking Tasha Maltby on the bus. Readers may expect to see a picture of Miss Maltby with her head pushed out an open window, her tongue lolled out as the bus hurtles along.

But Tasha, 19, and her fiance, Dani, 25, have not been allowed to get on the bus in Dewsbury, West Yorkshire. They claim the driver told them: “We don’t let freaks and dogs like you on.”

Paul Adcock, operations director of Arriva Yorkshire, responds: “Arriva takes any allegation of discrimination very seriously and have interviewed the driver regarding Mr Graves’ claims.

“Our primary concern is passenger safety and while the couple are very welcome to travel on our buses, we are asking that Miss Maltby remove her dog lead before boarding the bus.

“It could be dangerous for the couple and other passengers if a driver had to brake sharply while Miss Maltby was wearing the lead. We are writing to Mr Graves to apologise for any distress caused by the way this matter was handled.”

No pun intended…

Posted: 23rd, January 2008 | In: Royal Family | Comments (4)

Paul Burell’s New Look

burrell.jpgA VISIT to the Paul Burrell’s official website (Burrell: Diana and My Website) reveals the message: “Temporarily closed, for updates and a new look… come back soon.”

A new book? No, a new look? Didn’t he give the dresses back?

Posted: 21st, January 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Buckingham Palace Snubs Kiwis

SIR Edmind Hillarey is dead. And our dear Royals: “Buckingham Palace has decided not to send a member of the royal family to Sir Edmund Hillary’s funeral in what will be seen as a snub to one of the country’s greatest legends.”

Are they saying that Prince Edward is too busy?

Posted: 20th, January 2008 | In: Royal Family | Comment (1)

Royals Flee On The Queen’s Flight

prince-william-at-airforce-training1.jpgPRINCE William is leaning to fly planes. He is not the only Royal flyer. The Prince of Wales, The Duke of York and The Earl of Wessex can all fly a plane. It is the cause of much excitement on the cover of Hello! magazine.

Queen Elizabeth The Queen Mother once took the controls of the de Havilland Comet I jet. She told us: “I am delighted to tell you that today I took over as first pilot of a Comet aircraft. We exceeded a reading of 0.8 Mach at 40,000 ft. What the passengers thought, I really wouldn’t like to say! Elizabeth R., Hon. Air Commodore, 600 Squadron.”

King George VI, King Edward VIII, the Duke of Gloucester and the Duke of Kent all learnt to fly in the 1920s and 1930s.

Either the Royals like to get away from it all, or else they are preparing for an evacuation. Hence, the Queen’s Flight, literally.

Come the revolution, the Windsors will be many thousands of feet up in the air, each in a separate aircraft lest they all perish as one and Sarah Ferguson is the last remaining member of their tribe and proclaimed Queen…

Posted: 18th, January 2008 | In: Hello!, Royal Family | Comment (1)

Princess Of Tides: Streisand At Diana’s Mousetrap

mousetrap1.jpgTHE Princess Diana Inquest is vying with the Mousetrap to be the longest running show in town.

“It’s the cleverest murder mystery of the British theatre!” – Telegraph

“A truly entertaining classic thriller” – Sunday Times

“A fuggin’ murderous Royal night out” – Daily Express

Whodunnit? Was it the copper, Sergeant Trotter, played in the Express by Paul Condon, the former Metropolitan police commissioner, Britain’s top copper at the time of Diana’s death?

Michael Mansfield, QC for Mohammed Al Fayed, puts it to Mr Condon that he was up to no good. He puts it to Mr Condon that he was part of a “criminal conspiracy”.

Condon says that is a “blatant lie”. And: “But I find the suggestion, even though I respect your right to raise it, as totally abhorrent, offensive, and would actually mean that I am a murderer or, in essence, part of a murderous conspiracy”.

The audience gasps. A body stirs. “I’m mad and my husband agrees,” says Diana, who could be dressed in a Newcastle United replica kit with “I’m mad me,” inked on the back.

“He wants me treated in a home.”

A Ms Barbra Streisand listens. She is in conversation with Diana in 1992 at the film premier of the film the . The comments were overheard by Diana’s “interior designer pal” Roberto Devorik.

Says Devorik: “It’s my belief the man she loved until she closed her eyes was the Prince of Wales.”


Posted: 18th, January 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment

Paul Burrell: Diana And The ‘Pitiful Charade’

the-rock.jpgPAUL Burrell is at the Princess Diana inquest. He has in his possession a “last secret”.

What happens next leads to the “humiliation of Burrell” (Express) and a “FLOP SECRET” (Sun).

It was high time Burrell broke his silence. He owes it to Diana. And now he is ready.

The court waits. The room is alive with speculation. Would this be the moment Burrell reveals how the Queen Mother made a pass at him and when rebuffed threatened to reveal how Diana had asked for his hand in marriage and had worked incognito as a Lenny Henry lookalike for two years?…

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 16th, January 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment

Princess Diana’s Is The Media’s Whore

prostitute.jpgNO easy thing to breathe new life into the Princess Diana legend.

But her mother Frances Shand Kydd has made good fist at it by calling her daughter a “WHORE”.

Kydd, who looks like Michael Caine in drag, gives rise to the front-page headlines: “YOU WHORE DIANA” (Sun), “DIANA YOU ARE A WHORE” (Express), “THE DAY DIANA’S MOTHER CALLED HER A WHORE (Mail) and “DIANA WAS A WHORE” (Star).

The shock may have affected the papers’ ability to pun and make light of news. But it can be hoped that this development has opened up new and exciting avenues for Diana and her official merchandisers.

Look out for the Diana’ Telephone Kiosk Calling Card (embossed and bearing the legend “By Royal Appointment”), the Diana Doll (with realistic tilting head) and the Diana: No Hire Love, a 500-page study on Diana’s knicker drawer by Paul Burrell…

Posted: 15th, January 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Sarkozy And Bruni Pay Queen’s Bed And Board

sarkozy-bruni.jpgPRESIDENT Nicolas Sarkozy of France is to visit Her Majesty the Queen on his first State Visit to the United Kingdom since becoming President of the French Republic.

The State Visit will begin on 26 March 2008 at Windsor Castle and will last until 28 March 2008.

And the Sun’s Fergus Shanahan reports that “snooty courtiers” (are there any other kind?) want separate rooms for Sarkozy and his leggy lover Carla Bruni. This, we are told, is because they are unmarried.

Perhaps a compromise can be reached and two single beds be divided by a bedside table, or a member of the household cavalry?

But, hold on, five pages earlier, the same paper reports: “Sarkozy has wed his Carla.” Surely now the President and his wife can share a double bed and not have to meet in secret by the big tree…?

Posted: 15th, January 2008 | In: Politicians, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Paul Burrell Rocks Up

the-rock.jpgVACUUM the carpet and dust off your Man At Diana dress, Paul Burrell is arrived in town.

There’s Burrell on the covers of the Mail and Express. He’s appearing at the Princess Diana Inquest.

“Diana’s ‘rock’ faces a grilling…will he drop a bombshell?” asks the paper. Or will he save it for his next book?
A world waits…

Posted: 14th, January 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Walls Have Ears: Princess Diana Bugged, And Charles

prince-charles.jpg“DIANA: ‘SHE WAS BEING BUGGED’,” says the Mails’ front-page headline.

Princess Diana asked former soldier Graham Harding to scan her room in Kensington Palace. He located a “suspected bug behind a wall in her bedroom, adjacent to a room which had been used by Charles”.

If you were going to bug someone wouldn’t you gain access to her chamber, perhaps by passing yourself off as a TV interview, doctor, dress salesman or playboy, and then plant the bug in a telephone or box of tissues?

“How Diana’s bedroom chats were bugged,” says the Express on its cover page, a fact illustrated by a smiling Diana. “Diana’s bedroom was being bugged,” says another headline inside the paper, the initial fact repeated aloud in Town Crier voice.

While the Express repeats, Mr Harding continues to talk. Says he: “As you walk into her bedroom, I believe there was another room off it where this royal highness the Prince of Wales had a room and it was on that wall.”

Indeed, a room each, with a decompression chamber between, a Demilitarized Zone where taffeta and tweed are ever watchful of the other. Such is the way of the royals, who also – and this is fact! – furnish bedrooms with a sofa placed at the foot of each bed.

But we digress. Mr Harding, the stand is yours. He is unable to examine the device. There is “no indication” that the fabric on the wall had been altered. Says he: “It could have been innocent electronic equipment in another room.”

“Diana’s bedroom was being bugged,” says the Express, over and over and over…

Posted: 8th, January 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Prince William Flight Of Fancy

prince-william-flying.jpgPRINCE William is training to be a pilot. Of course, William is part of the Royal Family, aka the Windsors, and their drive to appear modern, normal and working, just like some of the rest of us.

Which means that he doesn’t learn to fly in at a private flying school but with the RAF.

Says the Mail: “By the end of his course, William should be able to fly solo and perform the loop-the-loop”.

Next stop: learning to drive a Speed Boat with the Sea Cadets…

Posted: 8th, January 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (5)

Princess Diana’s Circle Of Tears Drops

THE Circle Of Tears, the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain, is sinking.

Bob Munroe, billed in the Mail as an “engineering expert”, says the fountain should be rebuilt from scratch.

“It’s a disaster,” says he. “Hundreds of litres of water [tears] are leaking away every day and as a result it’s causing subsidence and making the paths rise and buckle.”

This rebuild would mean more expense, which seems fitting for the woman who is now centre stage in £10million inquest into her death.

And where there is Diana there is opinion. A spokesman for the Royal Parks Agency says: “The fountain is not an engineering disaster. It is not sinking, subsiding or leaking hundreds of litres of water a day.”

This one could run and run. Look out for a Daily Express (“Is Diana crying?) and Prince Philip with a sledgehammer…

Posted: 4th, January 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (8)

Power Corrupts: Royal Family Warned On Global Warming

lights.jpgTHE rapture of the Al Goreans has touched the Bishop of Norwich, the Rt Rev Graham James.

Addressing a congregation at St Mary Magdalene Church, Norfolk (the Royal Family in attendance), the Bishop says: “Some people, I have noticed around here, turn their houses into minor ecological disaster zones.”

The Queen’s Sandringham estate was, as the Telegraph notes on its front page, lit up by half a mile of fairy lights.

Whether aimed at the Windsors or not, the Bishop’s point is noted. And we commend to his attention another story in the Telegraph: “London’s £1.3m big bang to welcome in 2008.”

The picture is of the London Eye Ferris Wheel lit up like a massive halo. Of course, this is a picture from last year. And in the spirit of Recycling we urge all revelers along London’s South bank to party like it’s 1999 and thrill to the River of Fire.

Anorak will be handing out pictures of that event (blink and you miss it), and encouraging party goers to nod in appreciation (breathing, whooping, and cheering only add to global warming).

It’s what the Bishop would want…

The Queen Mother is be exhumed and her remains scatterd by a sapling in London’s Green Park, Prince Charles ears are to be fitted with solar panels and  Prince William encouraged to breathe only when absolutely necessary

Posted: 31st, December 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Royal Family | Comment (1)

Princess Diana Is Now A Joke

CAN we laugh at Princess Diana, in public. Did we laugh at Madeleine McCann?

I once heard Jerry Sadowitz deliver a fake news bulletin: “Here is the news – Princess Diana put her hair in a bun and her **** in a toaster”.

Now this on the BBC:

Can we laugh? Is there a time frame for these things?

Posted: 28th, December 2007 | In: Royal Family | Comment (1)

Prince Edward Names Baby

edward-baby.jpgEDWARD Wessex and his blonde Sophie cradle their knockout newborn son and show him off to the world. “Beaming Sophie” (Express) and “delighted” Eddie (Mail) could not be happier.

All that remains is to choose a name. Viscount Severn will open doors, but bookmakers tell the Mail the “most likely” choice is Archie at 8-1. The Express agrees and says it’s James at 3-1.


The top 10 candidates are as follows:

1. Mohammed
2. RJH Public Relations
3. Mini-Series
4. Mazher Mahmood
5. My Edward’s Not Gay
6. Rover
7. Ardent
8. Edward Formerly-Known-As-Prince
9. Joker
10. Jules

Posted: 21st, December 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Princess Diana Warns Camilla

diana-car.jpgTHE Princess Diana inquest moves on and on and on, and the Express has a front-page headline: “CHARLES PLANS TO MURDER ME – Seen for the first time, Diana’s anguished letter naming her husband in car ‘accident’ death plot”.

Readers are drawn towards “Diana’s distinctive large, rounded hand”. The news gets more and more intriguing, and readers wonder how Diana managed to conceal this apparent deformity from view for so long. Answers to the usual address.

But the Royals are good at keeping secrets. Only last week we learned that Prince Philip, far from being a man who had made Diana “fear for her life” (Express) was “Dearest Pa”, a nice old boy she could turn to for advice.

Now writes Diana: “I’m sitting here at my desk today in October, longing for someone to hug me and encourage me to keep strong and hold my head high. This particular phase in my life is the most dangerous. My husband is planning ‘an accident’ in my car, break failure and serious head injury in order to make it clear for him to marry Tiggy [Legge-Bourke, the nanny]. Camilla is nothing but a decoy.”

How more right could Diana have been? Spooky.

Perhaps now Camilla will take more care, choosing to wear her seat belt while hurtling through the streets of Paris with her playboy lover…

Posted: 20th, December 2007 | In: Royal Family | Comments (3)

Nine Looks At Queen Elizabeth’s Bruise

queen-elizabeth-bruise.jpgHER Majesty the Queen has a bruise on her neck.

The Express features the blemish on its front page. “Mystery of the Queen’s bruise,” it announces. Inside: “How did one get a bruise?”

DAILY EXPRESS: “’PHILIP IN PLOT TO KILL QUEEN’” – Mohammed Al Fayed says the Queen has been targeted by SPECTRE. “That man from Oncle,” he knows, says Mr Fayed. “Give him call”









Posted: 19th, December 2007 | In: Royal Family | Comments (4)

Prince Edward Is Reproduced

prince-edward.jpgIT is Prince Edward on the Daily Mail’s front page.

Hard to spot, admittedly, with no baseball cap and not being dressed up as a root vegetable for a game of knockabout fun on It’s A Knockout, but that is the The Weed In Tweed alright, the royal who makes living filming his immediate family members and their homes.

The news is that not only has Eddie been spotted but that he is now reproduced. He and his wife Sophie Essex have given birth to boy, a second child.

Stood by a hospital and drawing on hi experience in theatre, Eddie says the new child is “cute and cuddly”.

The image would only be improved upon were Eddie to be delivering his tribute to mother and baby while clutching a teddy, preferably one of his own…

Posted: 18th, December 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Pa For The Course: Testing Princess Diana And Prince Philip

diana-philip.jpgWHAT excitement on hearing that Prince Philip’s letters to Princess Diana have been made public at the inquest into her death.

Philip is famously Greek, and Diana was partial to a foreign gentleman. Might more be revealed than anyone could have dared think?

“Thank you for taking the time to respond to my letter,” writes Philip in fluent English. “I hope this means we can continue to make use of this form of communication since there appears to be very little other opportunity to exchange views.”

Philip’s letters are typed. Diana’s letters all begin “Dearest Pa” and are all handwritten.

Experts will cue up to comment on that. But we wonder if there is not something odd about calling your in-laws mum and dad, pa or ma? If they are your mother, what does that make your spouse – your brother, your sister? Should such name calling be encouraged?

“DEAREST PA,” says the Mail’s front-page headline. “Revealed: Intimate letters between Diana and Philip.”

It all depends on how you read these missives. The Mail sees a bond in the edited letters. The Express reads the same letters and asks: “Did Philip want Diana dead?”

In years to come one imagines that question forming the basis of an A-level exam, students invited to quote the set texts: Daily Express 1997-2007; Paul Burrell Volumes I to XI and Philips Letters – The Who The Hell Are You? collection.

Posted: 14th, December 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (10)

Walk (About) On: Her Majesty The Queen Calms Down

queen-elizabeth-liverpool.jpgWE live in an age where every high street from Land’s End to John O’Groats looks the same, and the spice of regional difference is lost in the cloying custard of conformity… or something.

Even local accents are under threat, as “Estuary English” has now been noted as far north as Scotland.

So it’s good to learn that there’s one place where you can still hear an old-fashioned Liverpool or London accent. And it won’t surprise you to learn that the place in question is that bastion of tradition, Buckingham Palace.

“SCOUSE OF WINDSOR,” declares the Sun, below a picture of HRH The Queen, with a speech bubble bearing the royal legend: “Calm down, calm down.”

The story relates to an interview (“approved by the palace”) with Angela Kelly. In case that name is unfamiliar, you might know her better by her official title: Personal Assistant, Adviser and Curator to Her Majesty The Queen (Jewellery, Insignias and Wardrobe).

The paper reports that, according to Angela, the Queen is “a dead ringer for a Scouser”. And Angela should know, as she hails from the ‘Pool herself.

“I love the Queen and everything about her,” says the 55-year-old mother of three. “I adore her, then so does everyone.”

We do indeed. But what about this Scouse business?

“The Queen has a wicked sense of humour, and is a great mimic,” reveals Angela.

Well, we all know that – she’s always mimicking that bored-looking woman in a hat. You know, the one with the catchphrase, “And what do you do, then?”

But there’s more…

“She can do all the accents,” says Angela admiringly. “Including mine.”

The paper reminds us that this is “not the first time details of the Queen’s love of mimicking accents has come to light”. A few years ago Princess Michael of Kent told how the Queen “likes to put on a Cockney accent”.

Stalk On 

All perfectly splendid, of course, but isn’t there a danger that all this accent-hopping might encourage her loyal subjects to become a trifle over-familiar?

Not as long as Angela is around. The paper reassures us that the personable PA “knows her place”.

“I would never overstep the mark and I remain in awe of the Queen,” she vows.

Angela allows herself a moment of melancholy, as is said to be traditional among Scousers. “If I died tomorrow,” she reflects, “my girls have been trained to make sure that the Queen’s life carries on smoothly without me.”

In the meantime, though, there is much to look forward to. “I hope the Queen and I grow old together,” she says simply.

And so say all of us. The thought of Her Majesty having to master a Polish accent at her advanced age is quite unacceptable.

This royal story is now officially finished, and you may sit down if you wish.

Posted: 10th, December 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (2)