Royal Family Category
The Royal Family, the House of Windsor, in the news and on a horse
IT’S day five of the Princess Diana car crash inquest, or, as the Express puts it, 3698 AD. (Pic: Beau Bo D’Or)
And the paper’s headline is adamant: “BODYGUARD: DRIVER WAS TO BLAME FOR THE DIANA CRASH.”
Trevor Rees is talking with ABC News breakfast show Good Morning America. Says he: “The accident happened because Henri Paul was taking alcohol and was driving the vehicle. That’s why the accident happened.”
The case rests, yer honour.
But what of the reaction to it? For that we go over to the Mohamed Al Fayed camp.
A spokeswoman for the Harrods tycoon tells us: “We are now in a legal process, and any discussion of the evidence by a potential witness should be handed over to the coroner.”
No small shock there. Usually we would expect to hear al Fayed calling Prince Philip names and, dressed in trademark vomit-and-cuffs shirts, demanding that Her Majesty the Queen be placed in the witness box, and open this winter’s Harrods sale (see press for details).
But, as we say, the case is closed. Rees, the sole survivor from the crash, says Paul was drunk. Paul was speeding. Diana was not wearing a seatbelt. Crash. She died.
So let us hear more of Rees, who cracked the mystery. But where is he? What have they done with him? As the Mirror reports, he has gone to Iraq.
Mirror readers learn that Iraq is “war-torn” and very possibly “dangerous”. Has Rees been smuggled there to be offed?
No. As reported: “But Rees – horrifically injured in the Paris crash that killed Diana, Dodi Fayed and chauffeur Henri Paul – is so desperate to avoid reliving the tragedy he is happy to take risk his life.”
Rees has taken a job as a security expect. (Lesson 1: wear your seatbelt.)
As for other facts, the Mirror notes that Mr Rees drives a silver Saab, his wife Ann is “a slim, attractive brunette”. She drives a BMW. Their £500,000 home has a gravel driveway.
In light of the ongoing Princess Diana Inquest, we do not wish to comment on the matter, only to say that Her Majesty reserves the right to remain silent and retains a fully armed and operational Household Cavalry.
Reading on, though, we discover that the story is not related to Diana (may she never rest) but BBC1 controller Peter Fincham, who has resigned in the wake of the controversy over a trailer for a documentary about The Queen.
It was Fincham who told journalists that the trailer for BBC TV’s A Year With The Queen showed the monarch “walking out in a huff”.
This proved to be less than totally true. The pictures were of the Queen walking in and not out of photoshoot with celebrity snapper Annie Leibovitz
There followed a three-month inquiry by Will Wyatt, a former senior BBC executive. He noted “misjudgments, poor practice and ineffective systems”, with BBC employees described as “naive” although nobody “consciously set out to defame or misrepresent the Queen”.
As to whether the Queen was in a huff when she walked in for her celebrity makeover, we dare not say…
Remove your Baseball Cap, play the last note of Return of the Living Acid and raise your half coconut shells of flaming amaretto.
Harry is laid our before a Union Jack with his head resting on the Bible and a gun in his holster. A vulture sits by his feet.
But this not the work of the Taliban or a rogue cocktail, rather artist Daniel Edwards.
It’s “sick” says “angry mum” Carole Jones whose son served and died in Iraq. It is a “disservice” to the armed forces, says Robert Lee, of the Royals British Legion.
“DEAD HARRY” (Mirror) has sparked the sound of “fury”. But Harry will not hear it because in a “chilling” reference to the threats by insurgents to send him home without them, his ears are to be removed.
Says Edwards: “I don’t think it would be any more distressing than the month he spent not knowing what would happen, if deployed. It recognises that he is willing to put on the line…his life for his country.”
Perhaps so. But we say leave the ears where Chelsy can grab them and get rid of the gun. And re-label the work “Harry: Looking Up At The Stars – Boujis Pavement 2006”.
A life study…
DAILY EXPRESS front page: “Fingers entwined, the last tender moments of Diana and Dodi”
Pages 2 and 3: “Intimacy that proves Diana was in love” – These are the “most intimate images ever seen of Diana”. They are more intimate than the images of her on a TV interview; more intimate than her photo sessions with Mario Testino; more intimate than the shots of her in a bikini…
Eight pictures of Diana and Dodi in a lift and reaching the ground floor
Page 4: “Were paparazzi given a tip-off by Henri Paul?” It is “suggested” that the driver told the snappers where to find Diana. It is a “dramatic twist”
DAILY MAIL front page: “Why did driver disappear hours before Diana died? MYSTERY OF THE MISSING EIGHT MINUTES”
Where did Henri Paul go for 8 ½ minutes? Blanket CCTV coverage of the Ritz Paris and no sign of him. Which begs the question: are their cameras in the toilet and the CCTV surveillance room?
Pages 2 and 3: “From chauffeur’s arrival to the moment Diana and Dodi made their break, the last night caught on CCTV” – There are 14 pictures of Diana and Dodi in a service lift and in the service area
Page 4: “Four key questions over the mysterious Mr Paul” – “Was he being the consummate professional” talking to paparazzi? “Or was it part of the murder conspiracy?”
Pages 6 and 7: “HENRI THE RAT. Sneaky signal to paparazzi”
Did Paul tip-off paparazzi that Diana was about to emerge? He waves to three snappers. He has 12,565 French Francs in his pocket
There are five pictures of Diana:
“THE CUDDLE” – Dodi outs his arm around Diana’s waist
“THE BRIEFING” – Paul says how they will leave the hotel
“THE SALUTE” – Diana raises an arm after Paul has ended his talk
“THE TIP-OFF” – Paul waves to paparazzi
“THE CROWD” – A crowd
And not forgetting:
“THE SWIMSUIT” – See past pictures of Diana
Page 27: “Let the lady lie” – Paul Routledge says the inquest is a “waste of time and money. Their time, your money”
Al Fayed is an “old man exploiting the justice system to pursue a personal fantasy”
THE SUN front page: “Di and Dodi’s tender hug”
Pages 4 and 5: “Did Paul get cash for Diana tip-offs? HE HAD £1,200 IN POCKET”
DAILY STAR front page: “Diana and Dodi’s last tragic kiss” – the Star is judgemental
Pages 6 and 7: “DI DRIVER’S SIGNAL TO PAPARAZZI”
“The final embrace” – “The setting is not romantic – it was the rear service entrance of the hotel – but their body language oozes pure chemistry”
THE TIMES page 16: “Mick Hume looks at “Diana’s death – the lizard theory”
Conspiracy theorists and the celebrity princess’s ten-year-old drink-driving accident. It is a “morbid melodrama”
Pages 26 and 27: “Touching intimacy as Diana waits to dodge paparazzi on her last ride”
Diana “inclines her blonde hair to the left; Dodi, nuzzling up to her, grasps her left hand folded round her back and occasionally strokes the base of her spine”
Mick Hume is right. But no worry. After all, tomorrow is another day!
THE INDEPENDENT pages 6 and 7: “CCTV footage suggests Henri Paul tipped off paparazzi about Diana’s movements”
DAILY TELEGRAPH front page: “The last embrace: jury shown CCTV footage of Diana and Dodi”
Pages 8 and 9: “Laughter and a touching embrace before Diana and Dodi leave on their last journey”
Diana “giggled” and put her hand up to her face while he broke into a smile
THE GUARDIAN no Diana death news
DAILY EXPRESS front page: “DIANA: THE TRUTH:
She was on the Pill inquest is told
Death crash driver was NOT drunk
Dodi HAD bought engagement ring”
That Diana was on the contraceptive Pill is “sensational”
Pages 2 and 3: “Diana’s love affair with Dodi” – Dodi has bought a ring from a range of trinkets called Dis-Moi Oui or It’s Not A Crown But It’s All I Could Afford
Lord Justice Scott Baker bites it, rubs it on his head and reveals: “It is made of gold and has number of diamonds forming the shape of a star.” Look out for one like this – The DiDo – at the Franklin Mint and Argos
The jury is “hushed”. It sees footage of “a young woman initially at ease with the world and enjoying the luxuries of time in the company of a multi-millionaire in one of the world’s greatest hotels”
Jurors are drawn towards a picture of Diana in a swimsuit. Is she pregnant? And is the suit still available from all good shops?
Pages 4 and 5: “’No evidence to suggest Henri Paul was drunk”
“MI6 HAD AGENTS IN PARIS” – Good to keep an eye on the French, n’est pas?
DAILY MIRROR front page: “Less then twelve hours before she died, a smiling Diana is captured unaware on CCTV with lover Dodi
“Another extraordinary new image revealed to her inquest yesterday – THE HAPPY PRINCESS”
Diana is in a lift. The lift has mirrors. Dodi Fayed is in the lift. Diana is smiling. It is an “historic picture”
Pages 4 and 5: “Not a care in the world” – But didn’t she think dark forces were out to kill her?
Pages 6 and 7: “PRINCESS WAS ON THE PILL” – Coroner knocks down pregnancy claim
“Bodyguard: Mr al Fayed is obsessed” – Trevor Rees survived the crash. He says he knows “exactly” what happened. He worked for Fayed. He quit in 1998. Says the coroner: “He felt Mr Fayed was obsessed with the idea of Diana and Dodi were murdered, and was trying to pressure him into agreeing with that”
THE SUN front page: “DIANA MORE UNSEEN PICTURES.” Diana is in a lift. The lift has mirrors. Dodi Fayed is in the lift. “HER LAST SMILE”. But it might not have been
Pages 4 and 5: “BABY? DI WAS ON PILL”
Readers see a picture of Diana in that swimsuit. Is she carrying excess weight? Can we handle such a shock?
Pages 6 and 7: “RIDDLE OF THE RING” – Two road of thought are meeting. Was Dodi about to ask for Diana’s hand? Sophic minds wonder. Which animal has one ring, but two, three or four handmade shoes, being favoured on three?”
Martin Philips is in court 73. In “Horror of watching last hours tick away” he experiences a “hushed” court as pictures of Diana are shown on the big screen. It is “more gripping than any suspense thriller”. Diana is seen “from beyond the grave”. There is a “sense of doom”.
Can the tape please be played backwards to give us all happy ending? Fate dictates otherwise. The footage is “haunting”
DAILY MAIL front page: “Inquest hears about Diana on the Pill, Dodi and a diamond ring and a mystery about their driver as intriguing new pictures pose the question…WHAT DID HER SMILE SIGNIFY?”
Readers see a picture of Diana. She is in a lift. The lift has mirrors. Dodi is in the lift. Diana is smiling.
Is she smiling because:
a) She is pregnant
b) She is not pregnant
c) Dodi is a doing his impression of John Inman in Are You being Served?
Pages 2 and 3: “Riddle of the ring in last hours at the Ritz” – It’s complex
Pages 4 and 5: “Pregnant? She was on the Pill – Coroner demolishes al Fayed’s baby claim”
“THE SURVIVOR WITH NO MEMORY – Trevor Rees-Jones, the sold survivor, says he has virtually no recollection of the crash”
DAILY STAR front page: “DIANA – Pics show that it was love”
Pages 6 and 7: Diana is in a lift. The lift has mirrors. Dodi Fayed in the lift. Diana is smiling
“DUKE’S ‘HATE MAIL’ STOLEN – “Damning letters from Prince Philip to Princess Diana could have been stolen”
THE INDEPENDENT page 9: “MI6 men were in Paris when Diana died” – British spooks in Paris… How can this be?
THE TIMES front page: “Diana – unseen pictures, unproven theories”
Diana is in a lift. The lift has mirrors. Dodi Fayed is in the lift. Diana is smiling. What does it mean?
Pages 22 and 23: “Diana ‘was on pill’ when she died – so how could she be pregnant?”
Well, the Pill is not 100 per cent safe. And we wonder if Diana was using the rhythm method or Dodi had invested in some Dis-Moi Oui condoms. More questions…
Pages 24: “Conspiracy theorists on red alert over ‘bias’ coroner” – Yesterday Michael Cole, Al Fayed’s spokesman, introduces one and all to bias, “whether intended or not”
THE GUARDIAN front page: “Diana’s last days. CCTV of the princess’s time in Paris was revealed as her inquest focused in whether she was pregnant”
Page 5: “Diana was on pill at time of death, inquest told”. Says the coroner: “No indication was given to her doctor, family or friends of pregnancy”
DAILY TELEGRAPH front page: “DIANA CCTV REVEALS HER FINAL HOURS”
Pages 2 and 3: “Haunting images of a joyful Diana hours from tragedy” – Diana in on the stairs. Diana is in the lobby. Diana is in a lift. The lift has mirrors. Dodi Fayed is in the lift. Diana is smiling.
Such images will be “crucial in helping the jury to form a picture of how events unfolded that night”
The world, as the Star notes, is now her “lobster”.
There is no Page 3 in today’s Sun, in honour of the start of Princess Diana’s inquest. Readers can however go to all other papers and see a picture of Diana in a swimsuit.
DAILY EXPRESS front page: “DIANA INQUEST: Sensational claims on first day. ‘THEY NEED TO GET RID OF ME’”
Readers will discover:
• “Why she feared for her life”
• “She said Queen would quit”
Page 2 and 3: The Express asks: “Do you believe Diana was murdered?” It’s a phone poll. Readers may wait until the inquest is over to call. But many will have already made up their minds. Vote now and vote often
As the coroner tells the jury: “The conclusions of the French inquiry and the Paget, or Stevens report, are neither here nor there, if you take a different view of the facts. And what you make of the evidence is for you and you alone. No one can tell you what to decide”
“Coroner raised fears of bias, says Fayed” – Mohamed Al Fayed’s spokesman Michael Cole, he of the whipped hair, says: “Mohammed al Fayed was surprised at the tone and the contents of the opening statement…Mr Al Fayed fears that the opening statement could present an appearance of bias whether or not this was intended”
It’s a fix. Well, it might be…
Pages 4 and 5: “Coroner tells the heartbreaking story of Diana’s final few days”
Lord Justice Scott Baker kicks things off with: “Members of the jury, in the early hours of Sunday August 31 1997 a motor car in which Diana, Princess of Wales, was a passenger crashed into a pillar in the central reservation of the Alma Tunnel Underpass in Paris”
Well, if you say so…
The jurors are sworn in. All 11 pledge to “diligently inquire on behalf of our sovereign lady the Queen into the deaths of Diana, Princess of Wales, and Mr Dodi Fayed”
Is there irony in this pledge?
Pages 6 and 7: “Diana: The Queen will abdicate soon.” That’s what Diana is said to have told her lawyer, the now late Lord Mischon
“Tears, laughter and a disabled permit make history” – The Express’s Paul Callan is at the High Court. In the cheap seats, Callan sees a picture of Diana in a swimsuit flashed on a “cruel screen”. Is she pregnant. If she is, then around 80 per cent of British women are pregnant, including Old Mr Anorak’s dowager mother. Or else they are carrying excess fat?
One potential juror cannot sit for long, such is an old leg injury. The man raises his arm. He holds a piece of paper in it. “It was borne aloft, like some Olympic flame, by an usher and the coroner read as though it was a Holy Writ”
Let us pray…
“It was the would-be juror’s disabled parking document”
The man is excused. Amen
THE SUN front page: “MOMENTS BEFORE CRASH – DIANA IN DEATH CAR”
The picture is of Princess Diana in the back seat of the car she took on that fateful night
Pages 2 and 3: “CAR STILL SMOKING” – New pictures have been released. The Sun looks and sees: “Driver Henri Paul states manically down the lens of a paparazzi cameraman”
Pages 4 and 5: “Fight to free her. RESCUERS AT MERC WRECK” – Graphic photos of workers in fluorescent jackets trying to save the Princess
DAILY STAR pages 80 and 9: “Queen may be quizzed”
“FAYED OUTRAGE AS JUDGE RUBBISHES DIANA ‘BABY MYTH’” – That picture of Diana in that swimsuit was taken before she began dating Dodi Fayed, says the coroner.
Fat girls can still pull. Hurrah!
DAILY MAIL front page: “DIANA IN THE DEATH CAR” – A picture of Diana in the back of Mercedes”
Pages 2 and 3: “All the pictures from the crash. Ghouls and conspiracy theorists come closer…
Pages 4 and 5: “Diana: Queen is going to abdicate”
The Mail’s Paul Harris says: “In a moment that will doubtless be recalled for generations to come, they started the inquest into the death of Princess Diana.” And not just mentioned by future generation of the Harris family, neither
The courtroom has “beige walls and Ikea-style furniture”. When will the heartache end?
“I am a Diana fan,” says the man first in the queue for the public gallery. “At Last!” he exclaims as the turnstile opens. He brandishes ticket No. 0000001
More Diana fans join Harris in the gallery. “Several of them chatted about ‘Diana’ as if they she had been a lifelong friend.” That’s Express hacks for you
DAILY MIRROR front page: “DIANA INQUEST SENSATION – The Last picture. She is driven off in her Mercedes..five minutes before the fatal crash”
Pages 4 and 5: “Questions jury must answer.” There are eight in all. There are 20 in the Sun
THE INDEPENDENT PAGE 8: “Diana jury told to consider ‘other conspiracy theories’”
DAILY TELEGRAPH front page: “Diana: the final moments. Inquest to put conspiracy theories to the test”
Pages 2 and 3: “Coroner dispels many of the myths surrounding death of Diana”
Picture of Diana in a swimsuit
THE GUARDIAN front page: “Inquests opens into the death of Diana”
Page 9: “30 lawyers, 11 jurors ad one angry billionaire – Diana inquest begins”
Says the coroner: “We all need to keep our eye on the ball.. I hope everyone will remember that no one is on trail in this court”
THE TIMES front page: “Judge releases unseen photos of Diana crash”
Pages 2 and 3: “’Diana decision is yours and yours alone’” – the 11 must decide
The inquest is expected to last six months and cost £10million
The post-inquest inquest is expected to go on for much longer and cost 40p every day in the Daily Express
As the Sun says (“DIANA: Who’s who at the hearing of the century”) readers get to see the leading players in the DIANA INQUEST.
But we know them all, at least we who have read the prelude to the case in the Daily Express for the past ten years do.
And we turn to that paper and see… Shock of shocks. Can it be that on the verge of achieving justice the Express has stopped caring?
The front page is enlivened not with the Princess of Hearts but with the younger and blonder Madeleine McCann and the news that the Express has won a “VICTORY” in putting an end to inheritance tax.
Only it hasn’t. It will only be the ‘Express Wot Won It’ if the Tories get into power. And make that ‘if’ as big as Gordon Brown’s tent.
It is left to the Mail to feature the story and say on its front page: “Burrell will testify at Diana inquest”.
Paul Burrell is pictured alongside Diana. The paper says that the centre of his evidence is his claim that the Queen warned him of “dark forces” at work in Britain.
Inside the paper there’s a picture of Paul ‘Rock’ Burrell walking along a street in jeans and T-shirt. He is carrying a bag.
And inside it there might be the outfit he will wear in court – an eau-de-nil jacket, with pearl earrings…
For now, though, and for all time, the Express concerns itself with Her Majesty’s part in the death of Princess Diana.
The inquest into the Paris crash (or was it?) opens tomorrow, and it is hope the case will shed more light on the matter than the French police report, the British police report and ten years of Daily Express reporting.
Fingers crossed. But not crossed under oath. We demand the truth, the whole truth and the right to questions the truth for some years to come.
Today, readers learn that lawyers acting on behalf of Harrods owner Mohamed Al Fayed have submitted a request for Her Majesty, the Duck of Edinburgh and Princes Charles to be called as witnesses.
We have consulted our own lawyers here at Anorak Towers, and are now under the impression that this has less chance to being agreed to than Camilla Duchess Of Cornwall has of wrapping her battered white Fiat Uno in feminine hygiene towels and driving into a Paris tunnel wall.
Still, it is polite to ask. And when the Queen fails to show we can continue to speculate on what she knows and does not know and how Lord Lucan did it with a length of lead piping in the speedboat…
PRINCE Harry has yet to have how own club but news in the Star is encouraging. (Pic: Beau Bo D’Or)
In “PRINCE ALWAYS AT PUB”, the paper notes that Sir Harry’s pub in Edgbaston, Birmingham has altered its sign to show its appreciation of young Harry Baseball cap.
The pub’s sign now features Harry wearing a suit of armour, his flame-red hair blowing in the wind, and a St George’ flag aflutter over his shoulder.
“Most folk find it funny, and I’m sure Harry wouldn’t mind,” says the pub’s landlord.
And why stop there?
We urge the landlord to develop what he has started and turn the pub into Prince Harry theme bar, with a smoking garden, a storage area for minders and a polite notice on the door inviting insurgents to come on in if they feel lucky…
The plan to send Harry to the frontline and equip our finest boys and girls with red frightwigs – so seducing the reward-eager enemy from their foxholes and making them more easy to slaughter – never materialised. Read the plan here.
And so it is that the Army remains bogged down in Iraq and Afghansitan. And Harry is eating spaghetti bolognese in Leeds.
But now a report in the News of the World that if Harry will not go to the War on Terror, the War on Terror will go to Harry.
As the paper notes, Chelsy Davy, Harry’s blonde, is studying for a law degree at Leeds University.
She is residing in a £55-a-week student home. Chelsy is sharing with three “pals” in “the rundown” Hyde Park area.
And as the paper says: “Two years ago cops swooped on a nearby property following the 7/7 London terror attacks.”
Can this be it? Is it no mere chance that Harry has been despatched to the provinces?
How long before the people of Leeds are all sporting red wigs and with the rallying cry “I am Harry”, sparing Leeds from the grasping hand of Muslim extremism?
The Princess Diana inquest in almost upon us and the jurors are being sworn in. But first a spot quiz.
“Have you or, to your knowledge, any immediate relatives or close friend ever been employed by or associated with any of the following:-
(i) MI5 (The Security Services)
(ii) MI6 (The Secret Intelligence Service)
(iii) GCHQ (the Government Communications Headquarters)”
And that’s not all:
“Are you, or to your knowledge, any immediate relative or close friend employed by or associated with any of the following:-
(i) The Royal Family or the Royal Household
(ii) The Al Fayed Family
(iii) Any business or enterprise in any way connected with Mohammed Al Fayed (such as Harrods, Fulham Football club or the Ritz Hotel Paris)
(iv) The Metropolitan Police Service
(v) The Spencer Family”
The Mail has more questions. Always questions. And, no, one of them is not: “Did you kill her, did you kill the Princess of Hearts?”
The key question is surely:
“Are you aware of anything that would prevent you from returning an independent and impartial verdict in these inquests based only on the evidence that you hear, if so, what?”
“Well, yer honour, I have read ten years of Daily Express headlines, most of which allude to the notion that Princess Diana – THEY MURDERED HER. BASTARDS! – was killed by The Establishment.”
The test is taken. The answers are processed. Of 227 possible jurors, a shortlist of 25 names is produced.
Indeed, it is incredible to think that 25 people in this country have no preconceived notions as to how Princess Diana died.
And the chances are that the jurors – who are to be given police protection – LEST THEY MURDER THEM TOO – will deliver a verdict the papers can question for some years to come…
(If only she’d worn a seatbelt.)
Bea is dressed in a gown for an appearance in Martin Scorsese’s film based on the life of Bea’s great-great-great-great grandmother, Young Victoria.
In Hollywood, where nepotism makes a casting agent’s job that little bit easier and resumes come with the section “Famous Relatives”, Beatrice would fit right in. The Windsors are our Hollywood Family.
We know how she got the part; that much is clear. And to remove any doubt, Mail readers learn that the film’s executive producer is Sarah Ferguson, professional royal and Beatrice’s mother. The Express says the film was her idea.
What is less certain is why Bea’s role affords her no lines and reduces her stature to that of lady-in-waiting?
It will require not little ability for Beatrice to hide her innate royalty, and her teeth, as she plays second fiddle third from left to Emily Blunt’s Victoria.
But she’s getting on with job with little fuss. As the director tell us: “Beatrice was wonderful to direct – very patient during what can sometimes be a long and arduous process.”
Looks like all those chats with Uncle Charles are finally paying off…
This is “BUCKSKI PALACE”, the Star’s insight into life in the Queen’s gilded cage.
News is that that Her Majesty is actively looking for Poles to perform butler duties in the family’s inner-city council house.
A combination of low pay and cramped accommodation have failed to secure British servants; the job outweighing the chance to watch Her Majesty eat cereal and arrange her collection of night sights and silencers in order of effectiveness.
The Star says this staffing crisis has been compounded by a string of Palace butlers being wooed by wealthy Americans.
A former royal lackey tells us: “For anyone who has just arrived off a coach at Victoria from Bucharest or Warsaw and wants accommodation it’s a great job.” Indeed, it’s the gateway to a new life in the United States.
The UK truly is the land of opportunity. And who knows, if you Europeans have a German relative, you could find yourself moving from Downstairs to Upstairs…
Models are big news. And teenage Beatrice should take care to eat and stay away from predatory older men.
Luckily, Beatrice is not alone, but chaperoned to the event by her mother, the Duchess of York.
As the pictures show, Fergie did not want to upstage her daughter nor embarrass her in any way and adopted the part of Beatrice’s invisible shadow.
Stood on the runway, Beatrice appears as a blip on London’s “style radar” clad in a long black dress with shoulder straps.
To her left might be a mirror, as Fergie (identified by the Telegraph’s keen spotter) stands equally attired.
For purposes of subterfuge, Fergie goes as far as adopting her daughter’s hair style and necklace.
The do goes well. Beatrice loses no weight and does not develop a cocaine habit.
It is a success. And the charity aided by Beatrice’s appearance – Children In Crisis (!) – profits immeasurably.
Monarchists to the quick, we have thought the Royal Family’s staying power a product of our support, well-padded chairs and the pickling properties of gin.
But might it be the water? Did the Queen Mother last so long because she chose to spruce up her morning livener with a dash of thread? Were it not for water would the Windors be living in Vienna, appearing exclusively in the pages on Hello! and at the Golden Rose of Montreux?
And this is not just any water. The mineral water that rises from a spring on the edge of the Balmoral estate has been tested.
And it is the very elixir of life. The spring water is shown to ease the affects of arthritis (moreover the Queen’s secretary who signs letters on Her behalf and Andrew’s putter polisher) and protects against “fee radicals” and other republicans.
And you can buy it. The paper says the waters are sold to the masses as Deeside Natural Mineral water, under the auspices of Prince Charles’ Duchy Originals brand.
But you might need to buy a lot of it. As reported, the water has been shown to increase the number of “microscopically small passes”, said to be “key” to the nourishment of the outer lawyer of skin.
When bathed in, the water increased this outer skin lawyer by a fifth.
Asses milk sales are sure to plummet as Britain goes bonkers for water.
But we must tread with caution. As the Royal Family shows, the water is good for skin, but you should avoid washing your teeth in it…
Minds buzz with possibilities as we see the picture in the Mirror and read in the Mail that Jodie Kidd, “the model with royal friends”, is facing “extraordinary allegations” that she helped supply cocaine to a businessman interested in backing polo venture.
Jodie Kidd is, as the Mail reports, the face of Marks & Spencer’s credit card.
The model is alleged to have told the businessman that she could attract royals to the business. It is alleged she said: “Prince Harry is very good. I’ll try to speak with Harry about it.”
Mindful of this, we return to the Mirror’s Harry exclusive. And we look closer. And we see that what’s on the end of Harry’s nose is cake.
Might well you gasp. But cake is no street slang for crack cocaine. Cake is a food that many, such as Harry, use to celebrate a birthday.
This is Harry’s 23rd birthday bash. Harry is at the Vine Tree Pub, near Highgrove.
“Hiccy burpday!” says the Mirror.
As the Mail notes, Ms Kidd was once the epitome of “heroin chic”. And was not at Harry’s birthday party…
Pic: The Spine
And we journey with the Sun to the rooms of Fax Hill Primary School in Notting Hill, West London.
A courtier is said to have children at the school. And in the course of their duties, Elizabeth did happen to purchase some raffle tickets.
And now to the draw. And we have a winner.
Sadly, in the best traditions of starry awards do, the winner in unable to attend, such are the pressures of the television schedules and so firth (it’s Kirsty’s Home Videos at 8pm.)
But she has been notified. And the Sun reports that she is now in possession of two bars of soap and a vial of bath oil.
A source at Buckingham Palace says: “This is not the first time the Queen has taken part in raffles… She loves to relax in the bath and I am sure she will be looking forward to getting her hands on the windfall.”
Let’s hope Elizabeth gets it in time for the Duke of York’s visit to Slovenia. Clean hands across the seas, as it were…
There is no mention of Camilla’s battered white Fiat Uno, her tampon with nightsight nor her sharpened, poison-tipped fags.
The Express just watches Camilla go back to her alma mater, Queen’s Gate School in South Kensington. And sees her “hailed a heroine”.
Camilla is said to have spent her school days – she scored one O-Level – on the roof smoking illicit cigarettes.
Says Camilla to the gels: “I used to go back home for weekends. Sometimes I used to not go back on Sunday night and miss the Monday.”
Camilla goes to the science lab and notes that “They’ve got bars on the windows so you can’t get out.”
Camilla is wearing a “Robinson Valentine cornflower blue raw silk suit”.
Camilla is cheered. Camilla is what schoolgirls with any ounce of cool want to be – not quite as dense as Shy Di and able to blow smoke rings…
While the Sun’s researcher looks through the archives, the paper produces a picture of Chelsy Davy and Kate Middleton in such a mode.
The girls are dating Prince Harry and Prince William, respectively and exclusively, and are “in lines to the throne”.
Chelsy is an bandeau dress and in the Mahiki club, London. Kate is in a knitted dress in a trade fair in West London.
The Sun wonders “What’s black and white and red all over”. It supplies no answer, leading readers to guess between a) a penguin in a penguin suit, b) Jonathan Ross’s newspaper column, and c) Michael Jackson.
The Mirror, however, focuses less on the dress and more on Chelsy’s face. This is “Chelsy Dazey” leaving the aforesaid club at 2.30am.
She jumps into a black cap with grey seats and red piping…
“DIANA DEATH,” announces the Express on its cover page. (Pic: Beau Bo D’Or)
“NOW 6,000 pages of key files vanish from French court.”
We would urge one and all not to panic. There are now in excess of several hundred thousand official files on Princess Diana and no less then nine million unofficial ones.
But the Express is not listening. It has set its mind on recording in triplicate every word ever spoken and written by Diana and about Diana. For fear of ‘losing’ them, each day the paper publishes extracts as a matter of public record. Readers should keep them all in secret place lest something happen to the Express.
And the paper wants to know where the 6,000-page dossier has gone? And it wants its readers to help.
“Is there something fishy going on in the Diana inquiry,” the Express asks in it daily phone poll. Does Jordan sleep on her back?
And readers learn of the disappearance of a “highly-sensitive” dossier. It has “vanished” amid circumstances “mysterious”.
The files contain “every shred of evidence compiled over 18 months during a £6.4million inquiry”.
Says Mohammed Al Fayed: “I have heard reports about this and it gives cause for concern. I await the official response.”
A British lawyer says: “It is scarcely believable that such evidence could be lost just weeks before the inquest.”
Indeed so. But happily the British police have a photocopy of this dossier. And they have their own one, too, known as the Paget Report. This 832-page report was compiled by Lord Stevens of Kirkwhelpington. It cost £3.69million to produce. It is not as long as the 6,000-page French police report but it might help.
And then there are the back copies of the Express…
Breaking News – As the Mail reports, a French justice official reveals: “We have traced the original file.”
Diana’s “trusted hairdresser” Richard Dalton (“Trusted” runs the legend beneath his picture), a “Scottish bachelor”, remembers the Princess Diana he observed from a unique angle.
It was Richard who teased Diana’s crown and to whom she came clutching pictures of a young Simon Le Bon.
He recalls the time she tilted her head forward. And she cried.
“I remember when one of the Queen’s corgis went up to her room and started to lick her legs,” says Dalton. “She said: ‘What’s the dog doing up here?’ I said: It’s your mother-in-law’s, it just followed me upstairs.’ Diana barked: ‘Get it out of here it’s licking all my tan off.’ She really was such a fun lady.”
With a tan as golden as her hair…
Those hairstyles tomorrow!
We only ask because of the Sun’s front page: “I BURIED DIANA: Pallbearer tells of moment Diana said goodbye.”
Or shouted, more like – those royal coffins are made of pretty thick wood.
But it is we who are being thick. The headline is, of course, suggesting nothing of the sort.
You can understand our confusion, though. We have, after all, spent the past decade reading the Daily Express every day, which means that we have absorbed at least two thousand articles speculating about the true circumstances of the princess’s death.
Today, THE WORLD’S GREATEST NEWSPAPER is at it once more. There on the front page, under the now customary Madeleine McCann story, is the traditional Di murder speculation.
So once again we have the tale of the playboy, his lover, and the Fiat Uno driver. And Jean Claude Mules, the French police officer who ran the initial investigation, reckons the driver dun it.
But the details are neither here nor there. What matters is belief. The crux of the feature lies not in the story itself, which has been lovingly constructed over the flimsy frame of a few quotes.
It lies in a small box headed: “Do you believe that Diana was murdered”
Underneath are phone and text numbers for “Yes” and “No”.
Having reconsidered the Sun’s front page after inhaling deeply of the Express’s noxious fumes, we reckon the answer is probably “yes” – and that undertaker has some serious explaining to do.
In fact, you would definitely be forgiven. And we here at Anorak should know – we read ’em all, so that you don’t have to.
Reading this morning’s papers is like walking into a party full of very boring people all discussing the same very boring subject.
And that subject is Camilla’s decision not to attend the memorial service for Princess Diana.
The consensus is that Camilla has done the decent thing – but only after a certain amount of persuasion.
“Camilla not to join Diana ceremony” reports the Guardian, while The Times records “Camilla’s change of heart about Diana service”.
“Duchess bows to pressure from princess’s friends,” declares the Telegraph.
“CAMILLA PULLS OUT ON QUEEN’S ADVICE,” announces the Mail.
“Hate mail fury forces Camilla out,” claims the Sun.
“ABOUT TIME TOO, MA’AM,” huffs the Mirror.
Only two papers fail to give the duchess a front-page berth.
There’s no room at the Star, what with Man United, Chanelle and Dannii (of whom more later). Meanwhile the Independent, which once boasted that it refused to indulge in stories about royalty, gives an equally sober report on page 14 – three pages after its double-page feature “LIVING IN THE SHADOW OF DIANA.”
The Keys To The Mystery
This leaves the Express, which can usually be found in a corner, muttering darkly about how Diana was murdered. Ah, there it is, with its front page poking out from behind the Racing Post. There’s a picture of Camilla, and the end of a headline: ‘…car keys had the ‘scent of corpse’”. No, surely not. They can’t be suggesting that she…
Indeed not. The fully exposed page reveals all. The portrait of the duchess is accompanied by a small and discreet caption: “Camilla will NOT attend Diana memorial service.”
So what’s all this about car keys? Oh, just a tastefully restrained front-page mention of “new slurs” about Madeleine McCann’s parents. These, the paper complains, are ‘the latest in a long line of lurid and hurtful stories’. All of which, you can rest assured, will be dutifully repeated in “THE WORLD’S GREATEST NEWSPAPER”.
Happy holidays, readers.
Might this child have lived? Could it be that out there in the greater world is a ten-year-old with tight blonde curly hair, a tilting head and a predisposition for candles?
The Express calls the news “sensational”. And such is the sense of shock that the paper challenges its readers to respond to the question: “Do you believe Diana was pregnant when she died?”
We no longer believe, we know. As the papers says, an investigative journalist “formerly of the reputable Paris Match magazine” has uncovered the “explosive proof” that Diana was with child.
This sleuth is one Chris Lafaille. And he writes: “It is near certainty Diana was nine to 10 weeks pregnant at the time she died.”
Near certain? Having eschewed the phone vote, we now pick up the receiver and dial once for “No” and once again for “Yes”. That’s a maybe. But we suspect Diana was pregnant, possibly with twins, so we dial a further three times for “yes”.
And we wait for Lafaille’s book, Diana: the Inquiry They Never Published to reach the bookshops…