Anorak

| Anorak - Part 7

- Author Archive

Babysitting Class

“FOUR out of 10 schools are not good enough, says watchdog,” announces the Guardian. THWACK! “Thirty eight per cent of secondary schools are only satisfactory.” THWACK! “One in eight children … (read more)

Posted: 23rd, November 2006 | In: Uncategorized | Comment


Your Chance To Look Like Michael Jackson

Mikey Dalton’s tennis; Michael Jackson’s waxworks; Gary Sobers’ ball
Dalton’s Weekly Ever wondered what happened to Mikey Dalton, the tall Scouser who appeared on the last Big Brother series? Well, his … (read more)

Posted: 23rd, November 2006 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Swan Bake

“HUNGER drove fasting Muslim to kill swan and bite into it raw.” So says the headline in the Mail, an enticing prelude to a story which, on the face it, … (read more)

Posted: 23rd, November 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Elton John Needs A Westlife

CAN anyone remember what Elton John was like before his gig at Princess Diana’s funeral? Elton’s performance that day transformed him into the nation’s favourite therapist, the Godhead of requiem … (read more)

Posted: 23rd, November 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Heather Mills In Pieces

Heather Mills Uncovered
“MARRIAGE?” asks Heather Mills. “I’d rather someone chopped off all my limbs.” Lest readers forget Heather Mills, the Mirror positions the woman on its front page. Our divorce … (read more)

Posted: 22nd, November 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Britney’s Justin Time

Britney Spears loves Justin Timberlake 
“BRITNEY’S LOVE SECRET,” announces the Enquirer’s front page. But what is there left to reveal? Britney poses about as much allure and feminine mystique as one … (read more)

Posted: 22nd, November 2006 | In: Reviews | Comment


Gordon Brown’s Gruffalo

Gordon Brown’s early Chrismas
HAPPY Christmas! But not so happy for the average mother who spends 13 whole days preparing for the seasonal binge. According to a survey seen by the … (read more)

Posted: 22nd, November 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Mindbend It Like Beckham II

When Beckham Met Cruise
“WHY does everybody hate Tom Cruise?” The Sun’ Jane Moore asks the questions. And before we can cite his failed marriages, spacey beliefs and height-adjusted wedding photos, … (read more)

Posted: 22nd, November 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Puss In Boots

WHEN reading the Times’s story that the European Commission is to ban the trade in dog and cat fur, we begin to wonder. And our first thought is what happens … (read more)

Posted: 21st, November 2006 | In: Uncategorized | Comment


Plodski

DO you know the Polish for “Evening wing commander. In a hurry are we?” If you do you could be a policeman. As the Express says: “NOW BRITAIN TO USE … (read more)

Posted: 21st, November 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Something Fishy

Alexander Litvinenko’s red herring…
THAT’S not Richard Hammond pictured lying in a hospital bed on the Mirror’s cover page. The man looking deathly pale, “with dark, sunken eyes, yellowing skin and … (read more)

Posted: 21st, November 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)


Video Nasty

Britney Spears does Paris…
“BRITNEY puts her kinky sex vid on the web,” promises the Star’s front-page headline. The move comes in light of stories that Kevin Federline, Britney’s estranged husband, … (read more)

Posted: 21st, November 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Madonna’s Double

Madonna’s Baby No.2…
ANOTHER week and another baby for Madonna. Toddle forward and look cute, Jessica Kondanani, an 18-month old orphan living in Malawi. The Sun says Madonna met Jessica in … (read more)

Posted: 21st, November 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


La Vida Limpia

“I HAVE already got all sorts of prizes, but to be recognised for my humanitarian work is something else,” says Ricky Martin. Hello! catches up with Ricky Martin in his … (read more)

Posted: 21st, November 2006 | In: Reviews | Comment


Al-Qaeda’s DIY Kit

AL-QAEDA “terrorist chiefs” have produced a “DIY missile-making guide” for anyone with access to the Internet. You can see the Al-Qaeda plotter wandering around his B&Q saver centre on a … (read more)

Posted: 21st, November 2006 | In: Broadsheets | Comment


It’s Us Or The Birds

EVERY day of every week the Mail thinks up imaginative ways to remind you that life is cruel and you are going to experience pain and die. And if it … (read more)

Posted: 20th, November 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Beam Me Up, Tommy

Tom Cruise comes down to Earth
TOM Cruise is walking in the air as he poses for the official wedding photograph. Tom and Katie Holmes, the blushing bride, are, as the … (read more)

Posted: 20th, November 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Pete Doherty’s ASBO

Pete Doherty’s latest performance
POOR Pete Doherty. He does try so very hard. Pete’s got the criminal record, the pale, skinny girlfriend and the drugs history but he has yet to … (read more)

Posted: 20th, November 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Archer’s Last Laugh

Jeffrey Archer’s fragrant sailor 
“THE MAN WHO HAS NO SHAME,” says the Express in a headline. “He’s a convicted liar and cheat who spent two years in prison,” it says. “Yet Jeffrey … (read more)

Posted: 20th, November 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Doherty’s In For Some Pennies

In For Some Pennies Pete Doherty has been fined £750 for kicking out a woman reporter attending one of his many court appearances. The singer was found guilty of assaulting … (read more)

Posted: 19th, November 2006 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Angelina Jolie’s Safe Haven

Angelina Jolie’s Gap year…
HOW to you dress in a refugee camp? For refugees, the choice is simple – you wear whatever you own, or whatever the charitable organisations have given … (read more)

Posted: 19th, November 2006 | In: Reviews | Comment


Copycat Crimes

PHOTOCOPIED ANYTHING GOOD LATELY?
Didn’t think so. One of the many things that’s keeping police technology in the 1960s is our insistence on photocopying everything. At the cutting edge of police … (read more)

Posted: 19th, November 2006 | In: Reviews | Comment


Dolly-ed Up

CAN you reuse body parts? Sure, you can transplant organs, but what about the other bits? Anorak once took a trip to a crematorium and having been given the tour … (read more)

Posted: 17th, November 2006 | In: Reviews | Comment


Michael Jackson’s Boo Boys

WAS it really Michael Jackson stood on stage at the World Music Awards? The Express watches as a Jackson-like being sings along to a backing track of We Are The … (read more)

Posted: 17th, November 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Having Paris

AS Michael Jackson (or was it?) flops on stage, and Paris Hilton get offered out by Texas singer Sharleen Spiteri (“F**k off, I’m not scared of you,” says Spiteri to … (read more)

Posted: 17th, November 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment