THIS is how Tony Blair gets dressed:

CHRISTOPHER Sands has hiccupped for 15 months.

He hiccups once ever two seconds, for up to 12 hours a day, at which point, one assumes, he goes to sleep.

The Mirror says Sands calculates that he has hiccupped 9,828,000 times since February 2007.

Sands has tried everything to stop, and now hopes an operation to repair a damaged stomach valve can stop his talent.

Indeed, Sands may not see it as such, but he is billed as a singer, and we have plenty of those already. But we have only one hiccupping singer.

Can Sands do for the hiccuppers what Gareth Gates did for stammerers?

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A TUNISIAN family alleges their daughter was raped during a telephone conversation with a man.

The 30-year-old man said he never touched the young woman. But he acknowledged he heard her scream while they were “totally into” an erotic telephone conversation — and that she reported bleeding, Al Arabiya reported.

Maha al-Metebaa, a lawyer representing the family, told the Kuwaiti newspaper Al-Qabs the case needs careful investigation because of its unprecedented allegations. He said a medical examination had determined that the woman, 20, was no longer a virgin.

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HOW do you fingerprint a woman with no arms?

Spokesman Vincent Moaga said the commission was concerned the department had requested that a woman with no arms could not get an ID unless she was fingerprinted.

Victoria Modise, 37, of Diepkloof Zone, Soweto, who lost her ID last year, applied for a replacement but was told she needed to be fingerprinted.

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THE Mail is making preparations for Armageddon, as ever it should.

It has seen a report from the Defence Plans Division, released by the National Archives, and what the Government of 1955 “assumed” would happen in the first two weeks of a nuclear war.

“The tea position would be very serious,” notes one civil servant. “With a loss of 75 per cent of stocks and substantial delays in imports and with a system of rationing, it would be wrong to consider that even 1oz per head per week (enough for about 12 cups) could be ensured.”

To the Mail the tea shortage is headline news. But surely the bigger story is what the Russians deem worthy of annihilation, and if the plan takes into account a post-apocalyptic Britain, and which places the invading Russians would feel most at home in.

The top five targets of the Soviets were London, Birmingham, Merseyside, Manchester and Clydeside.

In addition, 14 less powerful atom bombs, “similar to the one dropped on Nagasaki at the end of the Second World War”, were to fall on Tyneside, Teeside, Leeds, Sheffield, Hull, Derby, Southampton, Portsmouth, Bristol, Plymouth, Cardiff, Coventry, Belfast and Purfleet in Essex.

Indeed, dear reader, Red Russians hell bent on destroying all that is good/bad in Britain deemed Wales worthy of saving.

Or else, not worth a bomb?

FOR sale on EBay: Steven’s “Trader Joe’s Cashew #4″ sculpture & print 1/1 - once in a lifetime piece up for auction:

I don’t know why I stopped at this particular cashew as I was eating my Trader Joe’s sweet, savory & tart trail mix, but as an artist the unexplainable happens often. My body is a vessel of creation and expression in tune with everything around me, including what you would see as “just another cashew”

No, something about the shape of this particular cashew reflects the shape of our society. As the artist, I have split and re-glued the cashew as an expression of the “cracks” that have been “glued” in modern life. It is a complete work of art in every way. Famed art critic Richard Barokavov had this to say about the piece:

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BROWSING the Journal of Ethology, the Anorak happens upon the case of the Antarctic fur seal attempting coitus with a king penguin.

This might have been going on for years, but that it should come to light now is not without scientific interest.

“At first glimpse, we thought the seal was killing the penguin,” says Nico de Bruyn, of the Mammal Research Institute at the University of Pretoria, South Africa.

“But then we realised that the seal’s intentions were rather more amorous.”

The effect of the 100kg seal subduing the 15kg penguin by lying on it brings to mind the uncomfortable image of a be-jumpered John Prescott wresting with a packet of chocolate covered biscuits, penguins, naturally.

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IT’S hard to look at the cards when there’s an aroused bull approaching from the rear.

Is that tell on the other’s players face, a bead of sweat, or is it a line of snot flicked from the bull’s flared nostrils?

This is entertainment in the USA. This is rodeo day at Angola Prison, Louisiana, where Convicts’ Poker is the go.

The game’s winner is the last man sitting as the bull stampedes the table. He gets $50.

The show’s finale is called Guts and Glory. The clue is in the title.

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MR Speivak grew a finger.

Mr Speivak’s brother Alan - who was working in the field of regenerative medicine - sent him the powder.

For ten days Mr Spievak put a little on his finger.

“The second time I put it on I already could see growth. Each day it was up further. Finally it closed up and was a finger.

Maybe he only thinks it’s a finger?

CHARLES Ray Fuller, 21, of Crowley, Texas, walks into the Chase bank in the 8600 block of South Hulen Street, Fort Worth.

It is about 4pm.

He has in his possession a personal check. The check is not made out to Mr. Fuller. The bank clerk is unsure.

She contacts the check owner, the mother of Fuller’s girlfriend mother.

She says she did not write a check for… $360 billion.

That’s $360,000,000,000.00.

Police are called.

Mr. Fuller is accused of unlawful carrying of a weapon and possession of marijuana.

Mr Fuller tells the police his girlfriend’s mother gave him the money to start a record label.

Mr Fuller has a record…

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BANISH any arcane and stereotypical ideas you have of the Chinese being less tall, less big then Westerners.

Everything in China is big, massive, even.

The country has just opened the “world’s longest sea bridge”, the 36-kilometre (22-mile) Lake Pontchartrain Causeway Bridge connects Jiaxing city near Shanghai to the port city of Ningbo in the eastern province of Zhejiang.

China is home to the world’s largest shopping mall (the seven-million-square-foot South China Mall); the largest hydroelectric dam (the Three Gorges project); and the highest railroad (5,000 meters above sea level).

In Beijing there’s the world’s biggest concert hall, the National Center for the Performing Arts, aka The Egg, a venue twice as big as the Kennedy Center in Washington.

And the new Terminal 3 at the airport in Beijing is twice the size of the Pentagon.

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THERE be crocodiles in Wales.

“Startled” Steven Jenkins tells the Sun how convinced he is that he spotted a crocodile in a lake by a branch of Morrison’s in Swansea.

Police were called. They dived down – “several times” - but they found nothing. Although the Sun’s picture clearly identifies a shopping trolley and a canister of gas.

Of course the crocodile could be hiding, an idea given added weight by Mr Jenkins’ admission that’s since giving throat to his discovery he is rubbed mercilessly and when people see him they whistle the tune Crocodile Shoes.

And deep in the reeds and the cans and the old boxes, a pair of boots lives in fear…

A COURT in Greece court has been approached by three islanders from Lesbos — home of the ancient poet Sappho, who praised romance between women.

The trio are protesting at the Homosexual and Lesbian Community of Greece daring to use the word lesbian in its name.

One of the plaintiffs says the name “insults the identity” of the people of Lesbos, also known as Lesbians.

“My sister can’t say she is a Lesbian,” says Dimitris Lambrou. “Our geographical designation has been usurped by certain ladies who have no connection whatsoever with Lesbos.”

She goes on: “This is not an aggressive act against gay women. Let them visit Lesbos and get married and whatever they like. We just want (the group) to remove the word lesbian from their title.” (more…)

IRANIANS have been alerted to the “destructive” cultural and social consequences of importing Barbie dolls.

Prosecutor General Ghorban Ali Dori Najafabadi has written an official letter to Vice President Parviz Davoudi. In it, hhe say Barbie is a “danger” that need to be stopped.

Had only the French been so resolute when the plastic effigies of Klaus Barbie, the notorious head of Lyon’s Gestapo unit, infiltrated that land.

Says Najafabadi: “The irregular importation of such toys, which unfortunately arrive through unofficial sources and smuggling, is destructive culturally and a social danger.”

The letter goes on: “The displays of personalities such as Barbie, Batman, Spiderman and Harry Potter … as well as the irregular importation of unsanctioned computer games and movies are all warning bells to the officials in the cultural arena.”

He makes no mention of GI Joe, Gonks and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but this is surely only an oversight. Better the Iranian kids stick with their Ahmadinejad dolls, a hairier version of the every popular Troll.

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A WOMAN, who does not wish to be named, says Mr Troy Buswell, West Australian Opposition Leader, began to sniff the chair she had been sitting on at his Parliament House office in December 2005.

“I was shocked and outraged and I told him,” says the woman in the West Australian newspaper

“Outrage over chair-sniffing incident,” says The Age.

The Australian says that “Just 24 hours after 13 times labelling the chair sniffing an ‘unsubstantiated, anonymous rumour’ which he would not comment on, Mr Buswell finally admitted he sniffed the woman’s chair seat after she got up so he could get a laugh from other staff.”

Had Mr Buswell only whipped the chair away at the opportune moment or made a farting sound as soon as the women sat down things would have been left there.

But he elected to sniff, an action one imagines intended to imply the woman has made a smell, or else Mr Buswell is searching for her scent, marking him out as a pervert or a chair fetishist.

No CCTV footage of the sniffing has been unearthed, which is itself a shock. But the matter has nonetheless reached a head.

“Yes, I did inhale,” says the Sydney Morning Herald.

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TO Lo Prado south of Santiago, Chile, where Viagra is handed out for free.

Older men have been complaining – as is their wont – about not getting enough sex.

Says the town’s mayor Gonzalo Navarrete: “This has to do with quality of life and it’s done responsibly. It’s not just like handing out candy at the corner.”

Navarrete, a trained doctor, goes on: “We’ll give out four, 50 milligram pills, in other words, for four sexual relationships per month.”

He issues the caveat: “Sildenafil doesn’t get you going without direct stimulation.”

Look out for a class action from the town’s female residents…

HAD only health and safely got their first, Sharky the dolphin would be alive today.

The Mail looks on as Sharky and Tyler rise from the waters at Discovery Cove Orlando, Florida.

Heads band into each other. And Sharky is dead.

“It’s an unfortunate and random incident,” says a park spokesman.

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Zhirinovsky, Vice-Chairman of Russian Parliament, the Duma, is hunting for Crows by shooting from a moving train.

He sees some crows and shoots some of them. He then shoots at chickens.