Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
O Brother!
‘BECKS timed his latest tattoo well, because from today onwards he will be hard-pressed to find space in the tabloids for his antics. Thats because Big Brother starts today, and the Star promises that it will be bigger than ever.
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| Can you identify last year’s biggest loser? |
A new cast of characters beckons, and before long we will of course be intimately acquainted with them all. But first, the paper invites us, with typical tact, to MEET THE SAD LOSERS.
The losers were booted off the show before they got anywhere near the house, and they certainly sound like a rum bunch.
Theres a woman in her 40s who made bird noises and blew raspberries; a girl who boasted she would fart in front of anyone and proved it; a nerdy bloke who needed a new home after his mum caught him masturbating; a guy who… Oh, you get the picture.
Its amazing the lengths people go to, says executive producer Shirley Jones.
Like that sad geezer with the angel tattoos ’
Wise Words
‘AND FINALLY, in case you are having difficulty getting your head around the big issues of the day, help is at hand from two of the deepest thinkers of the moment.
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| ‘Be careful how you get on your bike’ |
Michelle, 21, from Oldham is todays Page 3 girl in the Sun, and shes glad hate-filled cleric Abu Hamza will be slinging his hook.
Send him to America to face the consequences of what hes done, says Michelle. He hates Britain and is bad news. Were better off without him.
Thats that sorted, then.
And in case you are worried by reports of Britains obesity epidemic, heres Lord Tebbit with his take on the issue.
Its all down to the gays, you see. Or, as Norman puts it, Labours promotion of buggery is to blame. It breaks up families, you see. And that means that because people dont eat together. And that makes people fat.
But Tory Chief Executive Ben Summerskill tells the Mirror that it is incredible Lord Tebbit manages to shoehorn his extreme prejudices into a discussion on obesity.
Whats the matter, Summerskill you some sort of poof?’
Kat Gets The Cream
‘ACCORDING to the tabloids, EastEnders is set to get even more cheerful when Gary tries to commit suicide.
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| Worrying itch? Contact Dr Legg on 0800 PORK SCRATCHING |
Gary, along with ten million other defecting viewers, has decided he cant take it any more and tries to gas himself in his car. Its not known if he survives or not but quite frankly, who cares?
Since joining Eastenders, Garys been fighting Gus and Barry for the title of reigning idiot. His biggest storyline revolved around his affair with Laura and now even that turns out to have been a lie.
This week, Gary discovered that he wasnt the father of baby Bobby after all and he tearfully had to hand him over to Ian Beale. Ian had insisted on a DNA test, which proved that Gary couldnt possibly be the father.
Instead of being relieved that he was off the hook, Gary took the news very badly. Im not givin im up, he sobbed, as Ian wrenched the baby out of his arms, hes all Ive got – conveniently forgetting the presence of his (allegedly alcoholic) wife and unborn child.
Its also surprising that Ians gone from referring to Bobby as a runt and a bastard; hes now fighting for his paternal rights, but then this is Eastenders, and personality changes are as common as Labour Party U-turns.
Elsewhere in the Square, the Ferrairas have a week left in their house before being thrown out by the bailiffs – and even people who havent met them are celebrating. Crack open the bubbly! Wilfred told Nana, were putting an offer in on their house.
Wilfred has also bought the car lot, and has installed Pat as manageress – showing that however hes made his money, its not through astute business dealings.
Kat and Alfies money worries are also over but their martial problems have only just begun. Check this out mate, Andy told Alfie, handing him a video tape, I think youll enjoy this, he smirked. Alfie sat down to watch what he expected was a blue movie, and he was certainly a lot bluer after viewing it.
You dirty slut! Alfie screamed at Kat when she came in. A tearful Kat had to reveal to Alfie how shed slept with Andy for his sake as she was worried that Andy would have killed him (hope Dirty Dens taking notes on these novel excuses). I ated it, sobbed Kat. It was like bein raped all over again.
Kat and Alfie have decided to give their marriage another chance. If we give in now, es won, Kat whispered. So Alfie and Kat went round to confront Andy at home. Fanks for the tape, Alfie brazened, heres one we fort you might like, tossing him a copy of Kat and Alfies wedding video.
Ill never chose you over Alfie, spat Kat. Indeed what other man could prove a lifetimes supply of pork scratchings on tap?’
Not Too Posh To Push
‘SOME days, the papers all agree on a story and today is such a day.
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| ‘Ruddy foreigners! Come to this country, sponge off the state…’ |
Only a couple go for the tempting option of recreating Charles Saatchis multi-million Brit Art collection that was lost in a fire earlier in the week.
The Mail builds a Tracey Emin tent and knocks off some Damien Hirsts for under 70 quid, but the Sun, as ever, offers the best value for money, at £39.99 for the lot.
However, there is one story that none of the tabloids can resist, and that is the latest gaffe by Princess Michael of Kent, or Princess Pushy as she is more commonly known.
She is famous for three things:
1) Being the only good-looking royal.
2) Being pushy ie, pulling rank even over other royals.
3) Being rude eg, telling a man at a bravery awards ceremony that he must be mad; asking a black actor if his nickname was Chalky.
It is the last of these traits which gets her into todays papers. The Sun dubs her LYING RACIST and the others follow suit with different degrees of deference.
The Mail explains that the latest row involves an incident in a New York restaurant not the best place to make un-PC remarks, unless, off course, your aim is to provoke a scandal.
Witnesses say that Pushy was at fashionable Da Silvanos in Manhattan when she became irritated by the noise coming from a table occupied by influential people from the world of the media, banking and PR.
As they tell it, Pushy swept over to their table, slammed her hand down on it and said: Enough! You need to quieten down!
After an exchange of views, she told them they should go back to the colonies a comment made particularly explosive by the fact that they were all black.
Needless to say, everyone is in uproar about this slight. And needless to say, they have all grabbed the wrong end of the stick. The Mail gives the full story, and it transpires that the whole thing was just a misunderstanding.
When challenged as to her meaning she claimed that she replied: I didnt say go back to the colonies I said remember the colonies. There were rules in those days that were very good.
There. That clears things up.’
Golden Years
‘ONE day to go!
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| Kebabs never tasted the same again |
Yes, its almost Big Brother time again, and the Star whets our appetite with an EXCLUSIVE round-up of a poll to find the best moment in the shows illustrious four-year history.
As you would expect, the competition is fierce. Pray silence please for:
1. Jade in her birthday suit in strip-poker game.
2. Helen saying I like blinking and falling in love.
3. Tim saying Comprende?.
4. Adele telling Jade that her minging verucca was a fungal infection.
5. Er, thats it.
Telly bosses hope the new series of Big Bruv will provide more classic moments, says the paper. And so say all of us.’
Cheeky Chappy
‘STOP PRESS: More important news from the Star.
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| ‘It’s the only thing I’ve ever caught’ |
A bum rap as Tuffers suffers, reports The Paper That Used to Support Our Builders But Doesnt Seem To Any More As It No Longer Announces It On The Front Page.
It transpires that 38-year-old ex-cricketer and Im A Celebrity winner Phil Tufnell has been doing a 500-mile walk for Macmillan Cancer Relief.
And this has caused a certain amount of discomfort to Tuffers nether regions, requiring the application of a soothing balm.
Ive got nappy rash and thats where the Vaseline comes in, admits Phil cheerfully. I have to apply it myself the physios wont do that.
Hope that clears things up in both senses.’
Loos-ing It
‘ONE thing you cant accuse David Beckham of is using the media when it suits him, and then turning on it when he doesnt like what it is saying about him.
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| Read all about it – David Beckham is really, really nice… |
Well, you can accuse him of it, but hell have a hissy fit if you do.
In fact, thats just reminded us of another thing you cant say about David. You cant say that he cheats on his wife and is not a perfect father.
And why cant you do this? Same reason as above: hell have a hissy fit and refuse to talk to you.
Thats the situation facing the Daily Mail. For Becks has decided to cast the esteemed paper into the media darkness.
The Daily Express more in sorrow than anger, of course reports Davids complaints about its deadly rival in detail, under the headline: Beckham: The Daily Mail is an absolute disgrace.
He complains about how he and his family have been treated, but why? Because at the end of the day Im a loving husband and father and thats what Ive made clear to these people.
Well, that should settle the matter. Lets hope the Mail takes note and hangs its head in shame
Oh. Oh dear. It seems that the Mail has not done the decent thing. Instead, it has launched a shocking attack on the worlds top dad and hubby, whom it dubs Captain Cantankerous.
Theres even a special Daily Mail Comment column on the subject (He snivels. He sulks. Etc.).
Furthermore, it invites former England skipper Emlyn V-neck Hughes to give his twopennyorth, and he believes that Becks has a duty to speak to one and all something EH always did, regardless of whether anybody wished to hear his pearls of wisdom.
Another former England star (and mini-cab driver) Alan Mullery goes further, describing Becks tantrum as crass stupidity.
The paper concludes that Becks should concentrate on captaining a successful England teams instead of behaving like a big girls blouse.
But deep down, it would be happier with both ’
Pick A Letter
‘WE are all used to receiving damaged mail, complete with explanatory note, detailing exactly how the envelope was mangled, or smeared with dog excrement.
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| Pat was last seen boarding a jet to Rio |
But when money and valuables go missing, there is usually not a squeak from the Post Office.
How refreshing, then, to read in the Star of the couple whose opened letter contained the following note:
Dear customer, we had to open this letter to check for money or credit cards. There were none, so you can have the fucker back!!! Next time, make sure there is some money!! Love Royal Mail.
The elderly couple have since received a bunch of flowers from the Royal Mail prompting complaints from neighbours that a postman was seen nicking them from their front gardens.’
Creature Comforts
‘A RUSSIAN circus is attempting to overcome its financial difficulties by renting out its animals to members of the public.
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| ‘Ok, Bubbles, this time I want you to only pretend like you’re eating a banana…’ |
For £100 you get a giraffe, £85 buys a camel, and so on. All good stuff, but there have been objections.
Self-appointed critics or interfering busybody killjoys, to give them their proper title are claiming that the zoo is lavishing luxuries on the creatures.
The Mirror reports that gorillas have had TVs installed in their cages, to allow them to watch documentaries on the great apes of the world (and gorilla porn from Amsterdam, no doubt).
Rumours reached a peak last week with the story that one gorilla was looking into the possibility of purchasing a majority share in Liverpool Football Club.
We are pleased to confirm that he has confirmed that he has no such intentions, although he refuses to explain his recent meetings with Richard Desmond.’
Keeping It Real
”THE raiyne in Spaiyne fawls maiynly on ther plaiyne.’
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| Anorak’s Dream Moments No.23: Victoria Beckham takes a vow of silence |
Egads! She’ll have to try harder if she wants to fit in on the Iberian peninsular – even the locals at Lineker’s Bar & Grill will have trouble understanding Posh.
But hearing her caterwaul for help is Rebecca Loos, the famous personal assistant who tells the Star that she’s now happy to help Posh settle in Spain, as she once extended a welcoming hand to husband David.
And Loos insists that the way to reign in Spain is to speak the language. And that’s not just any language, Posh, but Spanish.
‘Madrid residents think you are snobby if you can’t speak Spanish,’ says Loos. ‘Victoria must try to pick up our phrases, our habits and our manners.’
The master-class (or mistress-class, if you will) cannot start soon enough, but Loos might have to wait a while.
The Sun is of a mind that, before settling in Spain, Posh must first return to America, a place that’s just ripe for her invasion.
Simon Fuller, the head of 19 management company and the man behind Pop Idol, thinks Posh can break the US.
‘Simon feels it is becoming more and more difficult to make the British music-buying public like Victoria. The reaction here is to hate her music,’ says a spokesman for 19.
‘But she won’t take that sort of baggage into the US market.’
So it will be a fresh start for Posh Spice Victoria Beckham, the name that will appear on her next single, Love Is For Real, to be released in July.
That will presumably be the same next single as Mine For Real (or even Mime For Real), which the Mirror says the warbler will release on the Internet, making the track only available online.
As is the way with things, we’ve accidentally hacked into it and can now bring you a taste of things to come.
Take it away, yer Poshness: ‘Art and music will thrive without you. Somehow Keats will survive without you. And there still will be rain on that plain down in Spain…”
CD Rot
‘WHILE Posh tries to destroy music from within, something called ‘CD Rot’ is worming its way into your collection from without.
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| ‘Ah! B*Witched’s Greatest Hits!’ |
The Mail has identified a condition that is rendering CDs – mostly those produced in the later 1980s – unplayable.
A failure in the lacquer coating on the first ever CDs means that many of the first batch of aluminium discs are oxidising, leading to what appear to be patches of rust on the recordings.
But why is this happening? When the discs came out, we were invited to test their indestructible properties.
You could smear them with butter and jam, toss them under Fred Dibnah’s steam-engine and still put them under the laser beam and dance away to Kate Bush’s Running Up That Hill.
But now we learn that things are not as promised. The works of Bruce Springsteen, Big Audio Dynamite and Gary Numan are rotting away quicker than the actual artistes.
And Jerry Hartke, who runs something called Media Sciences, believes he knows why.
‘If people treat these discs rather harshly, or stack them, or allow them to rub against each other, this very fragile protective layer can be disturbed, allowing the atmosphere to interact with the aluminium,’ says he.
And it sounds even worse when you turn to the Express and hear Simon Fayle, of CD duplication firm Spool Multi Media, say that he’s had discs bought just three years ago that are now unplayable.
We know what he means – when we put Victoria Beckham’s eponymous 2001 album on the stereo just the other day, we too found it utterly unplayable – even more so when the next door neighbour came round and smashed our machine to bits with a sledgehammer.
And if that happens to you, Steve Redmond, of the British Phonographic Industry, has some words to the wise.
‘I would advise anyone with a CD that isn’t working to return it,’ he tells Express readers.
However, if you are seeking a refund on Posh’s original recording, as we shall be, best wear a balaclava to the record shop, lest you be recognised and shamed for all eternity…’
Plane Crazy
‘WHEN leafing through the pocket of the seat in front, a cleaner on board a Thomas Cook chartered Airbus 320 from Ibiza to Gatwick found something unusual.
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| ‘I must not leave notes on planes, I must not leave notes on planes…’ |
Amid the advice on what to do in the event of a crash, a brochure extolling the benefits of a three-inch high ruby and gold crusted tiepin (with free ‘Cooky’ teddy bear) and the usual complimentary snack-in-a-bag of chunky carrot and pea soup was a note.
Its message was clear: ‘You will all die.’
Had the cleaner been of a philosophical bent, he would perhaps have chortled to himself, laughing at the futility of life and got on with his job.
Instead, he called the captain, who initiated security procedures.
The plane was swept thoroughly and then, as the aircraft was taxi-ing on the runway ready for take-off, was ordered back for another search by the local Guardia Civil.
No bomb was found, but the powers that be did manage to track down the author of the profound message, revealed to be a certain Jamie Ellis, from Eltham, London, who had travelled on an earlier flight.
‘It’s been dealt with – that’s all,’ said Jamie’s dad when the Express caught up with him by the hotel pool.
‘Our kid’s been given a telling off and that’s the end of it,’ added his brother.
But where is the wee scamp? No-one is telling, but beneath an orange hood in a remote part of Cuba, a young lad is wondering when his turn will come ’
Losing The Plot
‘EASTENDERS sunk to an all-time low this week, recording the lowest ever viewing figures in its 14-year history.
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| ‘It’s disgusting! No-one should have to watch this’ |
Producers blame the hour-long Emmerdale special for the appalling ratings but the fact a soap about sheep can beat EastEnders ought set the alarm bells ringing.
Walfords highlights this week include Sonia shopping for a wedding dress, Dennis teaching Zoe to play darts and the Ferreiras shockingly deciding to start squatting in their own house. And who says great drama is dead?
The only reason to watch EastEnders at the moment is to see how many references to Leslie Granthams Internet exploits scriptwriters can get in before his two-month suspension kicks in.
Youre a naughty girl, arent ya? Dirty Den breathed down his mobile phone to a mystery woman. I cant wait to see ya again. Which will probably be the minute he locks himself in his dressing room and boots up his laptop.
The moment EastEnders really lost it, however, was when producers decided to appoint Den the Squares relationship and childcare councillor.
Pat had discovered baby Bobbys birth certificate and was shocked to see that Laura had named Ian as the father and not Garry. Unsure about what she should do, she approached Den for advice.
Hes got a right to know, Den told her. Ian may be many things, but hes a good dad. Den decided to take matters into his own hands (which isnt all that hes been taking into his own hands recently) and told Ian himself.
But Ive had the snip?! a confused Ian replied. These finks are never that cut and dried, Den replied. Well sometimes cut but not necessarily dried.
Ian discovered from his doctor that he could technically have fathered a child before the vasectomy became effective. Garry is demanding that Ian have a DNA test before he hands the child over. Something you would have thought hed insisted on the minute Bobby was born, but then it usually takes Garry a good six months to process any idea.
Someone else whos in for a nasty shock soon is Alfie. Kat finally gave in to Andys blackmailing and agreed to sleep with him in return for Andy wiping out Alfies debt. Just this once then the slates clean, he promised her.
In typical soap style, however, moments after theyd come back downstairs, Kat heard Alfie arrive with an envelope full of money. Well, I didnt see that one coming, admitted Andy.
Unknown to Kat, Andy has videoed their secret liaison and is soon to show the tape of a naked, writhing Kat to her husband, in revenge for his marrying her.
Poor Alfie thats a real video nasty.’
On the Throne
‘HOW long can it be before Posh or agents known to her get on the phone and offer a fly-on-the-wall docu-soap about The Beckhams to the highest bidder?
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| ‘And look what Brooklyn did this morning!’ |
We could then have it reaffirmed that David is a stay-at-home type who likes to watch Ground Force while his wife is a multi-talented artiste.
And we might even get to see them on the toilet, the one place the Beckhams have never yet invited us into.
And it could happen, especially if the new cameras in the lavs at the Big Brother house prove to be a hit, a splash and a whoosh.
The Sun says that the show’s toilet has two glass doors, and users can only be hidden from view only if both are closed.
The thinking is that to begin with, the contestants will take care to hide themselves from view, but a few drinking sessions and hot curries will loosen inhibitions.
‘We’ve specifically designed the house to make life difficult,’ says the show’s producer Shirley Jones – although she fails to say whether her policy is aimed at the show’s contestants or the watching audience.
But however bad it is, can it be any worse than the Poshes and Barrymores who have been and gone before..?’
Stand By Your Man
‘THE T-shirts are off in the war to win back the public’s support.
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| ‘Hands up, who’s slept with David Beckham?’ |
Signs are that Victoria Beckham has stopped communicating by shirt and is now speaking in a language more familiar to her as she poses in a low-cut, flimsy red dress.
She’s also using more conventional words to describe how she feels about her life these days in an interview with Marie Claire magazine, reproduced by the Sun.
And it’s refreshingly truthful stuff as Posh tells us: ‘I can honestly say I’m really lucky to have him.’
The ‘him’ is her Day-vid, the footballer who is alleged to have cheated on her with one, two, three or maybe even more women.
But after a promising first few touches, here’s where things begin to depart from reality – oops, best make that alleged reality.
‘To me, it’s just like a collection of women…I honestly couldn’t tell you all their names,’ says Posh of the harem of women rumoured to have been with her man.
‘David feels the same as me. People have said we should have sorted things out, but the bottom line is we’ve nothing to sort out.
‘I know for a fact David’s been faithful to me and I know it in my heart. It really comes down to knowing the truth yourself, that’s all that matters.’
Bravo! Who needs fancy lawyers to drag those scheming girls through the courts to protect your name and reputation when you know the truth? Not Posh and Day-vid. Solid as rocks, those two.
However, it does seem important to Posh that she should tell the world about the eternal truth of Day-vid’s loyalty, fidelity and how ‘he’s not the sort who…has loads of women around him’, lest we mistake him for a cheating, lying scoundrel and slam their marriage as sham.
But at least one good thing has come out of it all: Posh is off to live in Spain.
And she’s taking with her what the Star’s Vanessa Feltz calls a ‘foul, unsmiling snarl on her pinched little face’.
And some T-shirts – allegedly…’
Strike It Unlucky
‘IN days of yore, Britain used to export what passed for civilised society fuelled by tea served with Sheffield steel spoons. Now we export celebrities.
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| ‘I’ve told a few Whoppers in my time…’ |
As Posh ventures forth into the unknown on a mission to bring light, pap and just a soupcon of fairy dust to the darkest corner of a Madrid dress shop, the Sun calls to mind another of our great British exports.
And news is that Michael Barrymore, who now lives in New Zealand, is telling his local fans, Flossy and Dolly, that ‘I’ll do whatever I have to in order to get the money’.
This mind-boggling statement comes in light of news that the non-swimming entertainer has filed for bankruptcy after receiving a £1.4m tax bill.
Barrymore is not too proud to work, and, while his school for clowns and comedians has yet to be made real, he’ll happily toil away in the most menial job imaginable.
‘I’ll fill out the Burger King application form with no embarrassment at all,’ says he.
That he might, but there’s no guarantee Barrymore will be given a job flipping burgers at the fast-food emporium.
Even if he were to get the gig, at the current rate of pay he’ll have to work – by our estimations – every hour of every day for over 100 years to pay back his debt in full.
Which means there will be little chance of him having enough spare readies to pay compensation to Terry Lubbock.
Terry is the father of Stuart Lubbock, the man found floating in Barrymore’s swimming pool, and the news if that he’s now suing the disgraced entertainer for damages.
And that’s something that’s not escaped the notice of Lubbock, who calls Barrymore’s claim of bankruptcy a ‘deliberate cheap stunt’ to avoid him having to cough up any cash if found liable.
Stunt of not, Barrymore is apparently looking for a job, and we note that owing to highly unusual circumstances there is a gap in the employment market in the Hertfordshire area.
If Barrymore can wear a dress, rap and contort his face into a pinched-face snarl, the job’s his. Oh, and he might even get to sleep with David Beckham from time to time…’
Posh Off!
‘STOP all the clocks; cut off the mobile phone/ Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy Boneo/ Silence the pianos and try to explain/ Her Louis Vuittons are packed, shes heading to Spain.
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| ‘Day-vid, what’s the Spanish for **** ****?’ |
The news that we have all secretly dreaded for so long is carried under a banner headline on the front page of the Sun Englands favourite daughter is quitting these shores.
The paper says Victoria Beckham has surrendered to husband David and is planning to move to Madrid, quashing speculation that the England captain was planning a quick return to London.
The time is now right for the children to move to Madrid and we are all looking forward to it enormously, said the 30-year-old mum-of-two.
Brooklyn and Romeo will enrol in Spanish classes, where they will learn the Spanish for such phrases as ******* your ****, feeling you **** deep down my ****** and Love the sound of that cotton just *** *** *** ***** getting more *** and your *** all nice *** ***.
And Posh will be able to keep a close eye on her errant husband and stop him from straying.
Not everyone is as sorry as we are to see what remains of the back of Victoria.
The Star unkindly headlines its coverage, Posh Off!, adding Victoria and kids finally join David in Spain for good (riddance).
And others seem just that little bit too supportive of her decision.
The Suns Victoria Newton, for instance, wonders why it has taken so long.
I cant help thinking if Victoria had upped sticks and moved lock, stock to Madrid a year ago, she says, she wouldnt have endured half the heartache and humiliation she has.
And we wouldnt have endured half the earache and titillation we have.
The Mirrors womans editor, Clare Raymond, agrees.
If youre married to one of the worlds richest, sexiest, most famous and best looking men, its not a bad idea to keep an eye on him. And living in the same country is a start.
If she has any sense, she wont let him out of her sight again…nor his text messages, phone bills and credit card receipts.
There will always be beautiful, predatory and sexually adventurous young women waiting to take their chance with an international hero. And I should know, Im one.
Predatory maybe; sexually adventurous perhaps; but beautiful? Time for a new photo by-line, we think, Clare.’
Sophie’s Choice
‘WITH wife Victoria checking his phone bills and intercepting his text messages, David Beckham will have to put pen to paper if he wants to cast his vote in todays big debate Slim Lass or Hourglass?
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| ‘I prefer Nuts readers actually’ |
Shocked by pictures of a stick-thin Sophie Dahl, the Sun asks its readers which they prefer shapely women or super-slim girls.
Loaded editor Martin Daubney (a representative in the Suns eyes of those of us with XY chromosomes) insists that blokes like women with a bit of meat on them.
Big bums and heaving breasts send us into meltdown, he says, but heroin chic leaves us cold turkey.
Good news for Vanessa Feltz, who we can now expect to see as Miss April in next years Loaded calendar, but not so for poor old Posh.
A picture of her on the front page of this mornings Mail is not so much heroin chic as Belsen freak.
The paper says that for all the show of unity between the Beckhams, both were constantly in tears.
Victoria has lost more than a stone, it adds, and has told friends she finds it impossible to eat because she is so depressed.
If shes looking for sympathy, however, we advise her not to turn to Martin Daubney for a shoulder to cry on.
Back in the Sun, he winds up the Slim Lass v Hourglass debate with this advice to Sophie Dahl – get a nice meal and youll be tons more attractive.
Not only that, but you might even snare a Loaded reader as a boyfriend…’
Business As Usual
‘HAD flour been ricin and Tony Blair been hit by a real bomb, it would have deprived the papers of the chance to laugh at the Prime Ministers choice of attire this morning.
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| ‘Eew – purple’s like so last year!’ |
(Even Labour-hating papers like the Mail might baulk at criticising the cut of Blairs shroud.)
However, thankfully the only damage our revered leader suffered in Wednesdays attack was to his suit – and that gave him a chance to try a loud check number on for size.
Both the Express and the Sun publish pictures of the PM in the offending garment, while Gordon Brown chortles in the background.
But had flour been ricin as we said, Brown would not have been alive to laugh at his boss. Instead, David Blunkett would be Prime Minister today.
The Express says the Home Secretary was the most senior Cabinet minister not in the House of Commons chamber at the time, with Geoff Hoon also absent.
The Mail imagines the scenario, suggesting the stock market would plummet, troops would take to the streets, the Underground would be closed and traffic in London would come to a standstill.
In other words, business as usual…’
Barmy Army
‘WHEN the Daily Mail introduces Ron Davis on its front page as the man who could have killed Blair, its hard to know whether its shocked by yesterdays powder bomb attack or ruing a missed opportunity.
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| ‘Call Ambulance Chasers Direct on…’ |
However, the fact that the purple powder that was thrown by the fathers rights activist was contained in a condom is undoubtedly evidence in the papers eyes of the deleterious effects of the permissive society.
No wonder Home Secretary David Blunkett can be heard elsewhere in its pages calling for the rebuilding of a culture of respect in Britain.
He told the annual Police Federation conference that alcohol and drug abuse were largely responsible for the erosion of entire communities.
And he bemoaned the way in which a terrible selfishness over the past 30 years has become so much a way of life.
Indeed, this hankering for a golden age long since past and disillusionment with the excesses of the present is something of a theme in todays papers.
The Mirror, for instance, puts our compensation culture to the test by ringing up 10 insurance firms freephone lines pretending to have slipped on spilt coffee in the work canteen and broken an ankle.
Anyone could have been responsible, the paper says. It might even have been our own fault. But what became clear was the number of firms determined to push the case.
Rather than accept it was an accident, the response was You could make thousands.
If you dont fancy breaking your ankle or Heaven forbid! faking such an injury, you can always make a tidy little sum by applying for a job in what the Sun calls Britains bloated public sector.
The paper leafs through yesterdays Guardian Society supplement and identifies adverts for nearly £10m of barmy vacancies in quangos, local councils and government agencies.
For instance, you can earn £105,000 a year as Executive Director, Development in Doncaster.
To qualify, you would need to be a real change agent, work on a whole of municipality basis and unlock the potential of capital assets and people.
Sounds easier than pulling a filing cabinet over on your foot…’
Posh – The Early Years
‘IF modern Britain is embodied by a single figure, it is no longer the curvy form of Britannia but the pencil-thin features of Victoria Beckham not much of a future, rocky present and dodgy past.
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| ‘Just say no!’ |
We leave visions of the future to Mystic Meg, who if she peers into her crystal ball can no doubt see 50 years hence an 80-year-old Posh still desperately striving for that elusive solo No.1.
For Poshs present, we need only look at the gossip pages of any tabloid or celebrity magazine we care to pick up in our local newsagents.
But for her past, we turn to the centre pages of this mornings Sun and pictures of a 19-year-old Victoria Adams on her first modelling assignment for a self-help sex book.
Looking at the dodgy perm and dodgier skin, one imagines that the thrust of Linda Sonntags sex advice was Just say no!
Even the Sun can find little positive to say about the shots, taken with teenage boyfriend Mark Wood.
With her flammable levels of hairspray and more puppy fat than a dogs home, its amazing that this girl was to become one of Britains style icons, it says.
Yet this really is the future Posh Spice and these are the pictures she prayed had been lost for ever.
Tomorrow, Britannia’s topless photo shame…’
More Poms, Please
‘AUSTRALIA may be a nation of whingers (See Broadsheets), but they are at least the best whingers in the world and they are determined to stay that way.
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| The gold medal-winning Aussie Olympic Whinging Squad |
Unfortunately, a declining birth rate and the pubs of London have decimated the population and the Express reports that the Aussies are looking abroad for fresh whingeing talent.
And where better than the Old Country and who better than the Poms, we who exported the noble art of whinging to Australia before as is the way with these things the pupil overtook the master?
The paper says Scott Oster has been sent over from Down Under not to serve pints to the thirsty locals but to scour the country looking for people to tempt away.
And to help Scott on his way, the Express volunteers 25-year-old financial analyst Scott Mitchell.
His name sounds Aussie (although hell quickly have to learn to answer to Scotto or Mitch), hes keen to make the move and most important he can outbleat an Aussie sheep.
Compared with slaving away in London, he moans, working in Australia would be a dream come true.
Back home in Kent I had to get up in the dark at 6am to catch a bus 30 miles through traffic jams and roadworks for an hour and a half to get into the city of London.
Plus, you never seem to be able to save any money.
Blah, blah, blah…all the way to Brisbane.’
Life’s Not Fair
‘NEVER mind the Amazonian rainforest, the white rhinoceros or even post-McFadden Westlife – the shocking news in today’s papers is that the blonde is on the verge of extinction.
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| Charlize had spent many a lonely night since Ann Widdecombe went blonde |
Stocks of blondes have reached dangerously low levels in many parts of Britain and, were it not for hair dye, would have almost disappeared.
According to the Mirror, for instance, 36% of women in Cardiff sport blonde tresses, but only 1% of them are naturally fair.
The situation is not much better in Bournemouth, where only 8% of the 43% of women with blonde locks have not had recourse to the bottle.
Bournemouth does have the consolation of being home to the highest number of blue rinses in the western world, but that’s another story for another day.
The Express is of the opinion that the whole ‘collar and cuffs’ debate is irrelevant.
‘Just being blonde is the only issue and if it comes from a bottle, so what?’ it says. ‘Eyes still follow you across the room in a way they didn’t when you were a mouse.
‘There are gasps and whistles where once silence reigned.’
Take Ann Widdecombe. Is the former Tory minister any less of a sex kitten because we know that her blonde locks are a recent addition?
And Ann is not the only one who thinks that blondes have more fun – according to the Mirror, a quarter of bottle blondes said they would never go back.
And with its new-found expertise at separating the real from the fake, the paper takes 20 celebs and reveals which ones are as nature intended.
Among the fakes are actresses Charlize Theron, Kate Winslet and Tamzin Outhwaite, models Jerry Hall, Kate Moss, Jordan and Nell McAndrew, singers Madonna and, er, Kerry McPadding, and DJ Zoe Ball.
Among the naturals are actresses Gwyneth Paltrow, Lisa Kudrow, Cameron Diaz and Cate Blanchett, model Claudia Schiffer, singer Emma Bunton and TV presenters Denise Van Outen, Tess Daly and Ulrika Jonsson.
Indeed, if it wasn’t for Jonsson, the blonde may already be a thing of the past.
And so the Anorak ‘Lie Back And Think Of Sweden’ Award for Services to the Propagation of the Blonde Gene goes to…’
Play Misty For Me
‘TO the serried ranks of fake blondes we may one day be able to add the name of Stephen Goddard – or Misty, as he would like to be known.
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| International rock star makes scrambled eggs |
But not quite yet – Stephen, who got down to the last 50 hopefuls for this year’s Big Brother, was hoping to use the £70,000 first prize to have a sex change operation.
But last night his dreams were dashed when producers told him that he was not going to be one of the final dozen.
‘I’m gutted,’ the 22-year-old tells the Star. ‘I would have been the best thing that could have happened to that show.
‘But I won’t give up. I’ll get in even if I have to balloon or parachute in.’
Even if Stephen gets into the house, there is no guarantee of a happy ending.
The Sun reports that Big Brother lovers Tom McDermott and Claire Strutton have split up two and a half years after having a baby together.
And Claire warned this year’s contestants not to go looking for love.
‘This is not what I dreamt of when I was a little girl,’ she said from her home in Marbella. ‘I never dreamt of growing up, having a baby and then being on my own.
‘Big Brother only lasts a few months and then you’ve got to get on with real life.’
Remember Paul and Helen. When they got out of the house, a life of fame and fortune beckoned (at least in their own minds).
These days, we hear that Paul has eschewed the life of an international rock star in favour of his old job as a car designer.
And (fake) blonde Helen has abandoned a career in TV and ‘hopes to open a hair salon’. For blinkin’ blondes.’
Spolit For Choice
‘ORDINARILY, we would expect the Daily Mail to take up our ‘Save The Blonde’ campaign and run with it.
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| Three of these cans are killers. Can you spot which? |
But some days there are so many stories vying for the paper’s attention that, even with 88 family fun-filled pages, it can’t cope.
For instance, on another day news that fizzy drinks can cause cancer of the gullet would probably have made the front page (as it does in today’s Express).
But readers have to wade through until Page 19 before reading how carbonated drinks are being linked with a massive rise in oesophageal cancer over the past 20 years.
An exchange at a EU summit in Brussels, in which Foreign Secretary Jack Straw compared France and Germany to blood-sucking mosquitoes only for his French counterpart to suggest that Britain was like a tsetse fly putting Europe to sleep, only makes Page 15.
And a report claiming that every household in Britain is paying £500 a year to cover the cost of the country’s spiralling compensation culture fares only slightly better, finding a berth on Page 10.
On Page 7, we read how ’50 Black Policemen Were Happy To Give DNA To Help Identify A Rapist. But When Their Union Heard, They Opposed The Idea Saying It Was Politically Incorrect. Now The Hunt Has Stalled.’
But pride of place this morning, beating even the toddler who swallowed a toy and the memory loss woman who learned to love again, goes to ‘Mother’s Fury As Child Abuser Is Freed’.
Some stories are just made for the Mail…’
