Television and radio programme reviews, trailers, highlights, twilights and cinema news. Also the neglected gems from years past.
Who wants to see Laura Carter in an “explicit sex tape”? Well, not any of the 634 people who complained to Ofcom that seeing Carter being felt up in the Big Brother house was too much before the 9pm watershed. Of course, you can watch the sex tape any time you like. A video of Carter being spit roasted / dry roasted by a “Premier League footballer” is “set to go online”, says the Daily Star in its front-page exclusive.
The video is “so hot it already attracted a £10,000 bid”, says the paper. And we turn the page. No self-respecting sex tape star gets into bed or even onto the kitchen table for ten grand. Which is why the Star relegates the scoop to Page 15, where we read that Carter is “unaware a video has been offered for sale for £10,000”.
“This isn’t what she wanted,” says “a pal”. Indeed, one images it is not. Ten grand for a sex tape. It’s as insulting as it is derisory.
Yes! Yes! Yes!!! That’s the sound of channel 5 executives celebrating. Big Brother remains relevant as Ofcom launches an inquiry after contestants Laura Carter and Marco Pierre White Jr groped, grunted, frotted and reached on the Channel 5 show before the 9pm watershed.
Why did Channel 4 reject the show that continues to titillate the great unwashed, allowing it to slip over to Channel 5?
More than 600 people have complained at seeing White, the son of a celebrity chef of the same name, slide his hands down Carte’s knicker – whilst she was wearing them. Who knew that Channel 5 had such a big audience for Big Brother? Of course, we cannot overlook the chance that many of the 634 outraged citizens who called Ofcom to complain work in TV. Moan and groan enough and – hey, presto! – Big Brother is all over the tabloids.
A spokesperson for Ofcom says: “We’re investigating whether sexual scenes in this episode of Big Brother exceeded generally accepted standards for its time of broadcast.”
If it did it will be tied up and whipped. Yes!
Russell Hawkins cultivates the Carolina Reaper chilli pepper – the world’s hottest vegetable. Hawkins thought it a worthwhile experiment to see what happens if he vaped the red-hot chilli pepper and rubbed the stuff in his eyes.
The action warms up after the third minute:
Did you see the “Big Brother Live Sex Show”? No, us neither. Well, that’s not true. We did see it last year, the year before that and the year before that but this year’s shag we missed. Thankfully, lending onanists a helping hand is the Daily Star, which leads with news of “record complains over soft porn scene”.
Most of those complaints most likely seep from the offices of the Star and BB broadcaster Channel 5, where the moaning and groaning sounds like a episode of Channel 4’s Sex Box, BBC TV’s Versailles, Sky’s Game of Thrones or wherever else viewers can get their prime time aids to masturbation on the magic box. “why can’t we do more porn?” they ask. “Big Brother is tamer than The Archers.”
Daily Star readers and Big Brother watchers demand more than soft porn. They want the proper porn. And on Page 11 they vent their spleens at the antics of Marco Pierre White Junior, an ambulatory comic strip who has been generously given the same name as his famous dad to help readers know who the hell he is. MPW’s leftovers have been engaging in “randy games” with Laura Carter (no, us neither). The TV chef’s son suckled on Laura’s breast and shoved his hand down her shorts. He then tied a belt about a his throat and asked her to whip him into a pink mousseline.
They then “dived under the covers for what appeared to be full-on sex romp”. Appeared? The Star’s Peter Dyke needs to get up to speed with his porn. If he turns to page 32, he can see the advert and sign up for Television X, a porn channel run by the Daily Star’s owner.
Saeeda Vorajee plays a prostitute in Game of Thrones. She is also known as Sahara Knite, claims the Sun. The Mail is excited:
An actress who played a prostitute in Game of Thrones is actually a real-life hooker.. Saeeda Vorajee, 41, starred in the first two series of the hit show as a prostitute called Armeca where she took part in a controversial lesbian sex scene and acted alongside Jerome Flynn.
The Sun does her marketing:
The Sun on Sunday’s reporter was invited to Saeeda’s home in Strood, Kent. She led him to a dimly-lit room where she offered a massage and sex act for £65 or full sex for £900.
The Sun adds: “The Muslim, who has been disowned by her family, advertises herself as a “porn star, masseuse, mistress and session wrestler”.
The reporter’s religion is not stated.
What it all adds up to we can’t be certain. Saeeda wasn’t recruited for her acting abilities alone. She looks great and is versed in seduction and sexual excitement. She is also cheaper than hiring an actor, leaving more of the show’s budget to be spunked on CGI monsters and inventing novel new ways to murder people.
John Oliver is the news king of talk telly. But unlike Oprah, he’s not giving away free cars – he’s burning cash! The host of HBO’s Last Week Tonight is a hero:
“Any idiot can get into it, and I can prove that to you, because I’m an idiot and I started a debt buying company and it was disturbingly easy,” Oliver said. John Oliver forgave nearly $15 million of medical debt with a tap of a giant red button on Sunday night.
No. Wrong. It was cracking TV. But he did not do as CNN said he did. He purchased his lot on the secondary market at a huge discount.
Last Week Tonight spent about $50 to create a debt-acquisition company in Mississippi. The corporation’s name is Central Asset Recovery Professionals Inc – also known as Carp. According to Oliver, soon after its creation, Carp was offered a portfolio of medical debt worth $14,922,261.76 at a cost of “less than half a cent on a dollar, which is less than $60,000”.
Not $15m, then. And at $60,000 it was a marketing and PR bargain.
Did you know that watching William Shakespeare on the telly is dangerous to any young minds tuning in? As part of the year’s Shakespeare celebration, the BBC is going large on the Bard. In the Times, Russell T Davies, executive producer of the BBC’s new adaptation of A Midsummer Night’s Dream, explains why he’s censored the original script. It is wonderful nonsense, entirely in keeping with the kind of bilge people in the arts spout when they talk about Will. Invariably, they make it all about themselves:
Russell T Davies said that he had excised the scenes in which Helena threatens suicide over her love for Demetrios because he believed that they were not fit for broadcast in the modern day. He said that he did not want the suggestion that a young woman would commit suicide because of thwarted love…
When a member of the audience at the Hay Festival asked whether he would change the ending of Romeo and Juliet, so that a young woman did not herself over love, he described the question as trite, and said he was offended that the comparison had been drawn.
Shakespeare is not set in stone. Adaptation keep it all alive an relevant, not least of all the pupils in class forced to study it, who seek shortcuts to the tricky texts through TV and video. But when you start cutting out the bits you don’t like it all smacks of censorship:
“I don’t care what Shakespeare was thinking, I don’t care, it is my name on it. It was standard in 1590 for a woman in a love story to say that I am about to kill myself. It is not standard now. I am deliberately hoping to get young girls watching. I will not transmit lines in which women are so much in love that they are threatening to commit suicide.”
Exit, pursued by a chicken.
PS – if you want young girls to watch, hire Kim Kardashian to play Bottom.
Facts about the new series of Top Gear are coming thick and thicker. The show’s resident ringmaster, DJ Chris Evans – doesn’t it all look a lot like when Top of The Pops introduced balloons, dancing and par-tee atmosphere ?- tweeted some facts of this own:
The new Top Gear is a hit. OFFICIALLY. 23% audience share. 12% MORE than the opening episode of the last series. These are the FACTS.
Top Gear audience grew throughout the hour. FACT. Won its slot. FACT. Still number one on i Player. FACT. These are THE FACTS folks.
The last series, featuring Clarkson, James May and Richard Hammond, averaged 6.4 million viewers – Guardian
The BBC Two show drew 4.4 million viewers, with a peak of 4.7 million, while the last series hosted by Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May bowed out with 5.8 million viewers. – Mirror
The first outing from Evans and LeBlanc failed to reach the lofty heights of five million that the Radio 2 DJ was hoping for and even worse missed out by a fair margin on Jeremy Clarkson ‘s last ever show which scored 5.3million.
Over the last ten years Top Gear has aired, with at least two series per year, the lowest viewing figures Clarkson, James May and Richard Hammond had for their opening episode was 4.75million in May 2006. – Mirror
“If we had to guess about the number of viewers we are going to get on Sunday night, you have got to say you would be disappointed if it was under 5 million. Five million-plus would be great, after that it doesn’t matter,” said Evans before the show – Telegraph.
Meanwhile, Top Gear lost its regular title of being Sunday night’s most watched show to Countryfile, which peaked at 5.3million viewers and had an impressive 27% share of viewers. – The Sun
All in all it was TV by committee.
Manchester United have sacked Louis Van Gaal. The decision seems to have been taken months ago, although no-one thought to tell the Dutchman and Phil Neville, the former Man United defender now working as a pundit on the telly. Before the FA Cup final, which Manchester Untied won with a 2-1 victory over Crystal Palace, Neville appeared on the BBC’s Football Focus show. Did he think Van Gaal wold be sacked? Said Phil:
“If Manchester United win today I think Louis van Gaal will stay as the United manager next season.”
Phil Neville then told BBC Sportsweek on May 22, after Van Gaal had won the FA Cup with Manchester United and been sacked:
“I thought before the game that winning or losing would make no difference…it looked like the decision was already made.”
Whoever said punditry was easy was right.
Front-page news in the Sun: “Britain’s Got Talent ballet sensation is Beau’s cousin.” The “sensation” is Jack Higgins, 14, a young stage school ballerina who “wowed” the TV show’s judges with his dancing, causing Amanda holden to gape and stop blinking, Simon Cowell to use up the expression he was saving for when he sees the face of Mamon, David Walliams to swoon and Alesha Dixon to hail it as the best thing ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever.
The best bit, of course, was that Jack cried. Tears are the cynical BGT’s pop shot, the moment of release. (Remember Hollie Steel who sobbed half-way through Edelweiss and triggered a race to see which celeb could reach her with the comfort hug? Hollie… Oh, never mind.)
Jack said he’d been “bullied for ballet since five”. He’s been at stage school for nine years, so you wonder who had been bullying him for that long – the smart money is on the tap dancing mob or the country dancing toughs?
Today the Sun tells us that Jack is related to Beau Dermott, the stage school singer who belted out a show tune one week earlier. Their mothers are twin sisters. To help us tell them apart. Jack’s mum Debbie is the one in the T-shirt yelling “GO JACK – BGT 2016”.
Jack says, “It would be amazing to both get to the final. We are completely different acts, so it wouldn’t feel like we were competing against each other.”
Not for you, maybe. But for your mums it could be. There will be T-shirts…
Beau Dermott is Britain’s Got Talent’s “sensation” (The Sun). West End musical Wicked has “reached out to her”. Beau, 12, is on the celebrity treadmill. Beau says that on an excitement scale of of ten, she is “TEN!”
Beau Dermott might be less excited at her appearance on the Star’s front page, where the headline labels her a “CHEAT”. How? Is she a 29-year-old professional opera singer? Was she miming over a backing tape? The Star soon tells us: “Star wannabe, 12, a stage school veteran.”
Can you be a veteran of anything at 12 – jelly, maybe, and burping? The Star thinks so, telling us that Beau has had singing lessons at “top arts school – despite her mum saying it was a big thing to perform”. The Star soon realises its scoop holds less water than Simon Cowell’s hairnet, continuing the story on Page 18.
The Star says “no reference was made to the fact, Beau, from Widnes, Cheshire, has had vocal training at the StagePro Academy in Warrington for five years”.
Other things not referenced on the show: pictures are manipulated; Amanda Holden is an actress; making Beau cry is ‘good telly’.”
Why did mental health professionals fail to identify Helen’s abuse?
That question to the, er, scriptwriters.
The Sun has news on ‘nation’s sweetheart’ Cheryl Cole and her X Factor career:
Isn’t The X Factor a music… Oh, never mind.
The BBC says it will not broadcast footage of Top Gear presenter Matt LeBlanc turning doughnuts around The Cenotaph on London’s Whitehall. Having leaked the event – one that took weeks to plan – to the Press, dear old Aunty says it was a bad idea and in poor taste.
Says the “mortified” Beeb:
Top Gear has been on location around central London over the past few days. Ahead of filming, the production team worked closely with the Metropolitan Police Film Unit and the Special Events Unit of Westminster Council. This was a large-scale, complex shoot, prepared over a period of four months, which required numerous road closures, health and safety regulations to be in place, and also included full disclosure to local residents, including the Treasury and Foreign Office.
The Cenotaph was at no point intended to feature in the programme and therefore will not appear in the final film. However, we are acutely aware of how some of the images in the press look today via the angle and distance they were taken and for which, as Chris Evans has already said, we sincerely apologise.
The driver of the car was briefed by production prior to filming as to where to drive and to not do any manoeuvres close to the monument, an instruction to which he fully adhered.
We would like to make it absolutely clear that the Top Gear team has the utmost respect for the Cenotaph, what it stands for, and those heroic individuals whose memory it serves so fittingly.
Now got watch it on the internet!
How do you trail the new series of BBC TV show Top Gear? Easy. You allow the BBC to shut roads in central London so that Matt LeBlanc can wheel spin around The Cenotaph in a Ford Mustang. Then you get the Sun to quote a few old duffers, like Col Richard Kemp – “It’s worse than doing a stunt in a cemetery” – and mop up the outrage with a syndication chitty from US telly.
You then get Chis Evans, show’s main presenter – there are hundreds of them in every conceivable demographic – to say, “If it was my decision I would say that scene shouldn’t be shown… We’re all mortified by it, so absolutely, one hundred per cent, it should not be shown.”
This will prove that whoever the presenters, the old formula of in-yer-face grunt remains undiminished.
Complete tosh, of course, something Evans pretty much admits: “The images on the front pages of the papers today – it doesn’t matter what actually happened – what is important is what these images look like.”
They look like PR bullshit, which is what they are. you can ever see the skid marks.
BBC Radio DJ used to have sex with underage kids. He remains a ‘national treasure’:
You can listen to the John Peel lectures on the BBC:
John Peel has not been dug up and beaten with sticks. Yet. He remains intact as John Peel OBE.
Heather Mills is off The Jump TV event. The former Mrs Paul McCartney was injured, thus becoming the seventh celeb to leave the show under doctor’s orders. In the Star, Peter Dyke gives Heather hope that she can return to celeb-fed telly soon. Stay tuned for Celebrity Competitive Environmentalist of the Year:
Competitive environmentalism will feature competitive environmentalists jetting off for the good of the common man.
In February 1970 the BBC broadcast the documentary Man Alive: The Disc Jockeys. The series was edited by Esther Rantzen’s future hubby Desmond Wilcox. (More on them here.) The show focused on the new wave of BBC Radio 1 DJs.
As Paul Gallagher writes:
In Britain during those promiscuous 1970s, millions of youngsters were shocking their parents by going to bed with John Peel and waking up with Tony Blackburn… and his dog Arnold. The sound of the DJs could be heard everywhere—from cars, shops, kitchens, homes, factories, schoolyards and those dinky little pocket radios that everyone and their Mom seemed to have, dangling from plastic wristbands.
The music revolution of the 1960s really began with the arrival of cheap polyvinyl chloride in the fifties which meant record companies could mass produce singles and albums. Previously record discs had been made of the far more expensive Bakelite. The PVC revolution tied in very neatly with the incredible flourishing of young musical talent—and so the Swinging Sixties were born.
Suddenly youngsters wanted to hear music before they bought it, or even if they didn’t buy it. This gave rise to Pirate Radio. At the time the BBC was the only organization in Britain with the license to transmit radio shows. However a small loophole in maritime law allowed DJs to broadcast from ships anchored just outside UK waters. And so pop-pickers Pirate Radio was born.
In 1967 the BBC admitted defeat and launched Radio One—a youth radio station for pop music. Radio One became the biggest and most successful radio station in the country with generation after generation of youngsters learning their love of music or finding their inspiration to form bands from listening to the station’s DJs.
This BBC documentary from 1970 looks at the rise of the Radio One DJ and features Emperor Rosko, John Peel, Kenny Everett and Tony Blackburn—a rum bunch of four very different radio hosts. Condescending in tone throughout, the documentary voice over even has the temerity to suggest that sex with fans was one of the perks of working for the BBC—-shurely not:
Radio One belongs to the taxpayer and doesn’t splash princely salaries around for men like Emperor Rosko. He accepts the BBC’s shop policy of paying low wages as both sides know about the big big perks that can accompany the adulation of this new empire—British teeny boppers.
The interviewer then grills one poor little teenybopper about her infatuation with Emperor Rosko:
“I listen to him and I like listening to his voice and I get carried away” says one young besotted teenager about the subject of her adoration DJ Emperor Rosko:
“What do you mean you get carried away?” says Ms. Prim from the BBC
“I just hear his voice and I imagine him…” says adoring young fan.
“When you say you imagine him…you imagine him doing what?” continues our interrogator.
“Talking and smiling and…all the actions with it. It’s just good.”
“And where do you do your listen to this?”
“In the bedroom.”
It’s an interesting hour well spent and worth watching mainly to see the pure genius of Kenny Everett making one of his shows and to hear some of the mumblings of the man himself, John Peel.
This is tremendous. Former Sky Sports pundit Andy Gray now works in Dubai with BeIN Sports. On those fascistic sandy wastes, Gray talks footy matters with his old Sky mucker, the absurd Richard Keys. Last week, while listening to a post-match interview with PSG defender David Luiz after the French side had played Chelsea, Keys and Gray attempted to translate the Brazilian’s words.
Gray was all barstool expert – until Graeme Souness told him that,er, Luiz was speaking Portuguese.
As seen on ITV’s This Morning show: “Live from Nilufer’s vagina”:
Former British Olympic gymnast Beth Tweddle was badly injured competing on The Jump, a TV show featuring celebrities taking part in winter sports. It’s an absurd format. Watching the Winter Olympics is dull; watching celebs try out cold-weather sports in slow motion is dire. But the chance of seeing whathisface from Hollyoaks injure themselves should appeal to some TV fans.
And so to Tweddle, who the Daily Star says “broke her neck”. The Mirror says Tweddle snapped two vertebrae in her neck when she “smashed into a crash barrier”. The Mail says Tweddle “broke her back”. The paper also announces: “Beth Tweddle thanks fans for their support as viewers demand Channel 4 axes The Jump after she breaks her back on TV’s most dangerous show.”
Viewers demand a show on Channel 4 is axed? Those would be viewers who watch or don’t watch it?
Her exit follows that of fellow Olympian Rebecca Adlington, 26, who withdrew from the show on medical advice after a shoulder injury, and Holby City actress Tina Hobley, 44, who dislocated her elbow and suffered two fractures to her arm.
Right now a TV executive is trailing Celebrity Hospital Ward, Celebrity NHS and Celebrity Graveyard. The Mail adds:
Fans flocked to Twitter to call on producers to scrap the programme – now in it’s third series – due to the sheer amount of injuries among contestants.
Fans of a TV show asked for the TV show they are fans of to be cancelled? Better, surely, to replace the celebrities with the TV producers who think up pisspoor celebrity-themed shows. Who fancies for TV Executive Cliff Diving? The Newsnight team can go first.
To Australia, where the TV subtitle writer is illustrating the importance of remembering to press the space bar…
Listen as Terry Wogan signs off his BBC Radio 2 breakfast show. Wogan presented his final Radio 2 breakfast show on 18 December 2009. This is emotional: