TV & Radio Category
Television and radio programme reviews, trailers, highlights, twilights and cinema news. Also the neglected gems from years past.
In its front-page farewell to Andrew Sachs, known chiefly for his work as Manuel, the well-intentioned and hapless Spanish waiter in Fawlty Towers, the Mail juxtaposes the actor’s portrait by the news “MIGRANT NUMBERS HIT NEW RECORDS”.
The Mail fails to say how many migrants hail from Barcelona.
PS: Andrew Sachs was born in Berlin in 1930.
The Daily Star has news on Ola Jordan, the former Strictly Come Dancing hoofer now being portrayed as a sex goddess, as her her contract with high-street seller of martial aides. On its front page the Star tells readers “randy dance babe” Ola “leapt straight into bed” with her husband “minutes” after getting voted off I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here.
Like most of you, we thought pot-eviction the celeb were duty bound to chat with Ant and Dec. Maybe it was foursome? As we wonder what foe son just off camera, over pages 4 and 5 we see Ola and hear her reveals all about the sex – “He did get a kiss and a cuddle.”
But that’s not all. The Star has how it”exclusively revealed that Ola was set to become a mum after her jungle stint and last night the star confirmed the news.”
Wow! She went into the jungle knowing she was pregnant? Er, no. Says Ola: “Yes I would like to be a mum one day.” Best give those “sex toys” a rest, love. They don’t come pre-loaded.
Can you trust front-page headlines? The Daily Star’s cover story is that Ant and Dec have been in a “threesome” with “Jungle Scarlett”. Life moves pretty fast for Ant and Dec, the TV duo who just yesterday were triggering a “race storm” with “sensitive” Australians. Todays it’s a threesome with Scarlett, whose full name and title is “camp President Scarlett Moffat”.
Over two pages of I’m A Celebrity news, readers scan for sign of the threesome. And in the small print on page 5, we find it. Scarlett Moffat, “star” of TV’s Gogglebox “reckons she should team up with Ant and Dec as a Geordie trio”. For sex, right? For a threesome?
No. Scarlett made her views known not in the I’m A Celebrity jungle, rather in a book, in which she opined: “Imagine handing out with those boys all days and having a laugh.”
Yeah, just imagine that. Although if you’re a Daily Star reader, you’re most likely blown 30p imagining so much more.
Hats off to the Daily Star for one of the most absurd and joyous front pages. The paper brings news that Ant and Dec are in a “RACE STORM.
Ant and Dec are the faces of ITV’s I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, a show that’s been running so long the local wildlife has unionised.
The story is that Ant and Dec have insulted “sensitive Australians” by calling them “uncouth layabouts who rarely wash. The paper’s bit about the Poms’ joke upsetting “sensitive” Aussies is brilliant.
Years and years of storied abuse between the English and the Australians and the Star sets new standards. No longer rugged and tough, Aussies are “sensitive”.
It’s all very touchy feely Down Under.
Books. Ever hear of them? The Sun says “SHOCK LEAK Game of Thrones fans sent into a frenzy as ‘entire plot for season seven leaks online’”. Games of Thrones is based on a series of books by George R.R. Martin. If you want to know what happens in the TV version, why not just, you know, read the books?
Yes, yes, the TV version does differ from the books. Producer David Benioff says the show is “about adapting the series as a whole and following the map George laid out for us and hitting the major milestones, but not necessarily each of the stops along the way”. But you get the gist of the plot.
The Mail says “a Reddit user going by the name awayforthelads posted an enormous list of very detailed spoilers”.
How do we know to trust awayforthelads? Maybe they made it up? After all, the Sun looks at the leaks and says it is”reveals a pregnancy and a saucy romp between two main characters”. Sex in Game of Thrones is like the weather at the end of the evening news. It’s expected. As for a pregnancy, the show is about dynasties. Kids are part of the process.
And then comes the truly conniving part: the Mail wants to turn the taps open on that leak.
If you want to read the leaks, you can, of course. If you enjoy escapism, you might want to pass over the leaks and just wait for the entertainment.
“These must be the best costumes of Halloween 2016 by my sisters friends in Wicklow,” tweets @ChrisJudge.
“I edited the entire first season of Danny Dyer’s The Real Football Factories into one 60 second chunk,” tweets @AchinglyChic.
I edited the entire first season of Danny Dyer's The Real Football Factories into one 60 second chunk. pic.twitter.com/U8thmYU9CR
— #BROKEN Wil Jones (@AchinglyChic) September 29, 2016
When Donald Trump had his hair ruffled on the telly, Armando Iannucci thought it “beyond satire”.
What could Trump do that could be un-presidential? Well, he could carry on doing what he’s doing – being a TV show creation building towards the big shark jump.
Barons says it’s all for the cameras. And we love it.
The audience for the confrontation [first Presidential debate] could exceed 100 million, not far short of the 112 million viewers for the biggest U.S. sporting event, the Super Bowl. And if folks get together for parties on Monday with chicken wings and beer, maybe this debate will match that total.
According to the Strategas political team led by Daniel Clifton, that would be about half again the 67 million viewers that Barack Obama and Mitt Romney drew in their first debate in 2012 and nearly twice as many as the 52.4 million who tuned into Obama’s first face-off with Sen. John McCain in 2008. Indeed, Monday’s face-off is likely to shatter the record set in 1980, when 80.6 million watched Ronald Reagan’s first bout with Jimmy Carter.
Iannucci says President Trump is no longer a joke: “I used to say I was very sure, but I’m kind of sure.”
Trump bills himself as a anti-Establishment candidate. Why does that chime? “Who would want to be politician?” says Iannucci. “You’re not allowed to earn a certain amount of money, or go on holiday, or buy some dog food and put the receipt in the wrong place. You do anything wrong, and you’re just scum.”
In this video, an Ethiopian shepherd transports two sheep. Notes below the video tell us the “shepherd moves a couple of his animals across Bahir Dar in Amahara State”.
So much for Olympic cyclists going round and round and round a track. This takes the sport to new heights. The Tour de France King of the Mountain (Goats) would be great telly.
Liverpool FC tonked Leicester City 4-1 in the Reds’ first home match of the season. Looking on was Howard Webb, one of the platoon of former referees earning money as a pundit. Webb works for BTSport, where he analyses decisions to deadline. He told viewers that Jamie Vardy’s goal should not have stood.
Webb says Leicester’s Shinji Okazaki broke the rules when his pressing panicked Liverpool’s Lucas into a dreadful pass across an empty area that gave Vardy an easy finish. According to the absurdly picky Webb, Okazaki was illegally inside the penalty area before the ball had left it following Mignolet’s goal-kick.
As Law 16 states:
Opponents must be outside the penalty area until the ball is in play…
The ball is in play when it leaves the penalty area..
This is the same Howard Webb who told readers of his Times column:
If all decisions can be reviewed by video, referees on the pitch become nothing more than remote-controlled referees.
And how many of them will go on tot have a media career?
Colin is remembered for a scene in 1987 when he and Barry Clark (Gary Hailes) preformed the first gay kiss on a British soap opera.
The Sun is delighted Colin is back, calling the character a TV “legend”.
Back then the paper dubbed the show EastBenders and called Barry and Colin “yuppie poofters”, whose “homosexual love scenes” was performed “when millions of children were watching”.
The Gay Times recalls:
When the storyline did air, Michael’s real-life boyfriend found his world turned upside down. On the centre pages of the News of the World read the headline “secret gay love of AIDS scare east ender” – outing Michael’s partner to his friends and family. “They printed our address – all but the door number – and that afternoon a brick came through the window.”
Legends can involve real people. Who knew?
The air is alive with insects. The wasp you saw was nothing. In the troposphere, there are billions of insects riding over your head. Take a look:
Amy King was on the lakefront in Chicago to record this video of a cloud rolling in.
Meteorologist Cheryl Scott explains:
What is a Roll Cloud and how does it form? It’s a low, horizontal, tube-shaped cloud. It is formed by winds changing speed/direction when the air temperature reverses its state (resulting in warm air on top of cool air). The shear in the atmosphere sets up a rolling motion, think [of a] rolling pin used in a baking.
Is this Tom Baker talking in an outtake for an advert he was recording? YouTuber campfreddie thinks it might be:
Tom Baker is over here.
Former Strictly Come Dancing hoofer Ola Jordan reveals her “sexist secrets” in the Sun. Ola is the new “celebrity face” of Ann Summers, the high-street store selling aids to masturbation.
SAUCY Ola Jordan has confessed she wears a blindfold in bed to let her dancer husband know whether sex is on – or off – the cards.
If your wife will only shag you when she’s blindfolded, you might worry. If she asks you to wear David Beckham’s new scent behind the armpits, play a recording of George Clooney breathing and promise not to talk, you might worry a little more. Or you might just think, ‘Well, that lazy eye always was a little distracting’ and crack on.
Ola, 33, said: “It’s so good. On one side it says ‘Yes Please’ and on the other side it says ‘Not Tonight’.
“When I don’t fancy it, I just put that side, ‘Not Tonight’.
The funny thing is that he also wears blindfolds to communicate his sex drive, and they’ve not seen each other in bed for years. Nah, they are, of course, at it “hammer and tongs”, as the Sun says.
As husband James reads his wife’s mask and wonders if she’s asleep before watching slinking off to Match of the Day, we see a picture of Ola dressed in her busy undies.
Yeah, she’s wearing less than she does on prime-time telly.
Helping readers spot Nazis and other far-Right loons is the Daily Star. The paper that once cheered for the EDL leads with a picture of erstwhile panto dame Chris Biggins, formerly of Celebrity Big Brother, dressed as a Nazi. Is this how he chillaxes at home?
No. This is his work gear. Says the Star:
Disgraced CBB housemate Biggins dresses as Nazi in unearthed video
The Star adds:
IN a story that keeps getting worse, Christopher Biggins once appeared on television dressed as a Nazi.
Biggins is now on par with – in no special order – Ricky Gervais, Ralph Fiennes, Roger Moore, Michael Fassbender, Alec Guinness, Michael Caine, Marlon Brando, Donald Duck and various actors on TV’s Dad’s Army. Biggins must be delighted. Who knew he could act so well?
Grainy footage has surfaced of the pantomime star appearing in sketch wearing a full Nazi uniform.
Oh, yes he did.
It couldn’t come at a worse time for Biggins, who was booted from the CBB house on Friday for making offensive comments towards X Factor star Katie Waissel.
Waissel should get a grip. Big Brother should stop being so censorious and killing its own show. Biggins should get some new material. Lest you missed the joke, Biggins (not a Jew) told Waisell (is a Jew) she had best be careful in the showers. Geddit?! If you did, you should like Jerry Sadowitz (is a Jew), who often starts his shows by telling the Jews to head to the shower blocks.
An insider from the show told The Sun: “I was part of the crew in 1997 and we were filming a ‘joke’ gameshow called Vahalla or Bust as part of a BBC documentary. Biggins didn’t seem to mind dressing as a Nazi at all, and didn’t question the morality of it.”
Well, to take the piss out of Nazis, it can be useful to dress as one.
Why was Christopher Biggins kicked out of the Celebrity Big Brother house?
In the “Real reason Christopher Biggins was removed from Celebrity Big Brother house LEAKED”, the Daily Mirror promises to reveal all.
When news broke yesterday about his shock departure, we learned that the star had allegedly made a sick joke about Nazi concentration camps.
So bad was Biggins’ joke that Katie Waissel, a former X Factor contestant (more on her here), was reduced to “teas”.
As Katie reaches for the sugars, know that the Mirror’s story about is based on a Daily Star story. The paper adds:
Now, The Sun Online is reporting that he also made an offensive comment about people with AIDS.
What did he say, then?
As the CBB celebs queued up to use the bathroom shortly after waking up, The Sun reports he said to the former X Factor star: “You had better be careful or they will put you in a shower or take you to a room!”
Waissel was left in “tears” by that. The Mirror then tells us that Katie Waissel’s mum has called for “a police probe”. Oh, puh-lease. This is so pathetic. A weak joke is a crime? And it clearly was a joke. If that comment reduces to Waissel to tears and teas she should toughen up.
Another story in the Mirror notes in headline that might well be beyond parody:
Celebrity Big Brother Christopher Biggins ‘Nazi transcript’ is a FAKE confirm Channel 5
Do people know what anti-Semitism looks like? Not, Shami Chakrabarti, clearly. She can’t see antisemitism over all that ermine. Biggins is no Nazi. That’s plain to see.
The Mirror continues to milk the gnat’s teat by asking in yet another story on Biggins:
Has Christopher Biggins’ shocking comments ruined all his good work?
No. But don’t take our word for it. The Jewish News notes:
Christopher Biggins’ Jewish agent defends star over ‘Nazi gas chamber’ jibe
Showbiz agent Jonathan Shalit, who represents Biggins, told Jewish News: “I have been close friends and worked with Biggins for many years and can confirm that he would never intentionally cause offence. If something was said in jest which caused offence then I am certain that was not his intention. Biggins is a much loved and wonderful man.”
It’s not the causing offence that is the issue – it’s if someone thinks you are causing offence that matters in these censorious times. You can be an unwitting racist.
Biggies told Sun on Sunday: “I am mortified by what has happened. Most of my friends are Jewish. I apologise. I love Jewish people. My best friend is Lesley Joseph and you don’t get more Jewish than that.”
As the righteous media grade Joseph for her Jewishness, we read in the Mirror what else the old stager said:
He joined in a discussion with Renee Graziano and Frankie Grande on sexuality and when asked if she had a problem with gay people, the Mobs Wives star said: “When you’re gay you’re gay. And I think it’s beautiful because I think it’s who you are and it’s natural. But I think today in society they kind of force things on people and they confuse you.”
Man who says gays are beautiful is ousted from TV show for causing offence? We live in odd, offence-seeking times, indeed, readers.
Biggins then went on to claim bisexual people are the “worst type”, telling the pair: “I think the worst type though is, I’m afraid to say, the bisexuals. What it is is people not wanting to admit they are gay.”
The Mirror then notes:
And on Saturday it emerged that he was partly removed because he claimed bisexuals are to blame for AIDS during a shocking outburst.
Which part of him was removed? His mouth? His foreskin? His hair? He said:
“Gays had been really badly treated for so long. Then came a period where they were respected. But suddenly, a killer disease then came along which was attributed to homosexuals – but it was actually a bisexual disease. What the government didn’t realise is that there were bisexuals out there who were having sex with those people. They then brought it back to their families over here and in America. That’s how it became a worldwide disease. Whoever investigated AIDS f***ked up big time.”
In a welter of stupidity, however, the price for opportunism must got to Big Brother, which summoned Biggins into the Diary Room and in words George Orwell would surely appreciate, ruled:
“On Monday in a conversation with Katie when she remarked she was not in the house to represent the Jewish community, your comment was plainly capable of causing offence to Katie and the viewing public.
“Big Brother spoke to you about your language. When BB pointed out to you that your language was capable of great offence you apologised and indicated you understood the seriousness of the situation.
“But you have continued to use unacceptable language.”
Once upon a time, the Celebrity Big Brother VIP silo was a bit of fun, a chance to see forgotten-faces of TV stars you thought were dead or living in Spain. Now it’s a miserable place, where free speech is trampled on and everyone is watched lest they cause offence. It’s getting to be a lot like modern Britain.
In Samantha Fox’s Big Boob Hell”, the Daily Star looks at the former Page 3 stalwart now starring on Celebrity Big Brother, and says: “My boobs were too big for Page 3.”
How about Page 3 and Page 4?
“I asked my mum if I looked fat in a dress because my boobs looked too big in it. She said, ‘Your boobs are great’. I only realised they were fine when other women began paying for surgery to have boobs like mine.”
Did women really browse the aisle of Messers Nip ‘n’ Tuck’s surgery and say ‘I’ll have the Sams’? And did they realise that having ‘Sams’ is akin to being in hell – a hell that looks like being caught in your undies riding a small rocking horse:
Other Uncles (a chapter of Other Parents – Anorak’s look at those other parents we deride and pity) spots Chris Swann from Birmingham, England, and his young niece, nine-months-old Alice. At his grandparents’ home Chris played with his sister Elizabeth’s bundle of joy.
They even shared a meal:
Who wants to see Laura Carter in an “explicit sex tape”? Well, not any of the 634 people who complained to Ofcom that seeing Carter being felt up in the Big Brother house was too much before the 9pm watershed. Of course, you can watch the sex tape any time you like. A video of Carter being spit roasted / dry roasted by a “Premier League footballer” is “set to go online”, says the Daily Star in its front-page exclusive.
The video is “so hot it already attracted a £10,000 bid”, says the paper. And we turn the page. No self-respecting sex tape star gets into bed or even onto the kitchen table for ten grand. Which is why the Star relegates the scoop to Page 15, where we read that Carter is “unaware a video has been offered for sale for £10,000”.
“This isn’t what she wanted,” says “a pal”. Indeed, one images it is not. Ten grand for a sex tape. It’s as insulting as it is derisory.
Yes! Yes! Yes!!! That’s the sound of channel 5 executives celebrating. Big Brother remains relevant as Ofcom launches an inquiry after contestants Laura Carter and Marco Pierre White Jr groped, grunted, frotted and reached on the Channel 5 show before the 9pm watershed.
Why did Channel 4 reject the show that continues to titillate the great unwashed, allowing it to slip over to Channel 5?
More than 600 people have complained at seeing White, the son of a celebrity chef of the same name, slide his hands down Carte’s knicker – whilst she was wearing them. Who knew that Channel 5 had such a big audience for Big Brother? Of course, we cannot overlook the chance that many of the 634 outraged citizens who called Ofcom to complain work in TV. Moan and groan enough and – hey, presto! – Big Brother is all over the tabloids.
A spokesperson for Ofcom says: “We’re investigating whether sexual scenes in this episode of Big Brother exceeded generally accepted standards for its time of broadcast.”
If it did it will be tied up and whipped. Yes!
Russell Hawkins cultivates the Carolina Reaper chilli pepper – the world’s hottest vegetable. Hawkins thought it a worthwhile experiment to see what happens if he vaped the red-hot chilli pepper and rubbed the stuff in his eyes.
The action warms up after the third minute:
Did you see the “Big Brother Live Sex Show”? No, us neither. Well, that’s not true. We did see it last year, the year before that and the year before that but this year’s shag we missed. Thankfully, lending onanists a helping hand is the Daily Star, which leads with news of “record complains over soft porn scene”.
Most of those complaints most likely seep from the offices of the Star and BB broadcaster Channel 5, where the moaning and groaning sounds like a episode of Channel 4’s Sex Box, BBC TV’s Versailles, Sky’s Game of Thrones or wherever else viewers can get their prime time aids to masturbation on the magic box. “why can’t we do more porn?” they ask. “Big Brother is tamer than The Archers.”
Daily Star readers and Big Brother watchers demand more than soft porn. They want the proper porn. And on Page 11 they vent their spleens at the antics of Marco Pierre White Junior, an ambulatory comic strip who has been generously given the same name as his famous dad to help readers know who the hell he is. MPW’s leftovers have been engaging in “randy games” with Laura Carter (no, us neither). The TV chef’s son suckled on Laura’s breast and shoved his hand down her shorts. He then tied a belt about a his throat and asked her to whip him into a pink mousseline.
They then “dived under the covers for what appeared to be full-on sex romp”. Appeared? The Star’s Peter Dyke needs to get up to speed with his porn. If he turns to page 32, he can see the advert and sign up for Television X, a porn channel run by the Daily Star’s owner.
Saeeda Vorajee plays a prostitute in Game of Thrones. She is also known as Sahara Knite, claims the Sun. The Mail is excited:
An actress who played a prostitute in Game of Thrones is actually a real-life hooker.. Saeeda Vorajee, 41, starred in the first two series of the hit show as a prostitute called Armeca where she took part in a controversial lesbian sex scene and acted alongside Jerome Flynn.
The Sun does her marketing:
The Sun on Sunday’s reporter was invited to Saeeda’s home in Strood, Kent. She led him to a dimly-lit room where she offered a massage and sex act for £65 or full sex for £900.
The Sun adds: “The Muslim, who has been disowned by her family, advertises herself as a “porn star, masseuse, mistress and session wrestler”.
The reporter’s religion is not stated.
What it all adds up to we can’t be certain. Saeeda wasn’t recruited for her acting abilities alone. She looks great and is versed in seduction and sexual excitement. She is also cheaper than hiring an actor, leaving more of the show’s budget to be spunked on CGI monsters and inventing novel new ways to murder people.